If I Had a Billion Dollars...

... I'd buy a bigger place, for damn sure. Brownstone in Manhattan. Maybe a whole block. I'd get people to fill it with who weren't complete assholes.

No... Muppets. I'd fill the block with fucking muppets. Decent muppets who keep to themselves and don't get all uppity like those Fraggles...

I'd buy some furniture once I had a space worth furnishing. I'd have enough money to hire someone to furnish for me coz I can't deal with that. I'd just pick and choose from a book coz I'm that lazy.

I'd sort out my family so I wouldn't have to worry/think about them.

I'd take all the time I needed for writing whatever I wanted.

Hmmm... that's about it, I guess... I'd probably do all that if I just had half a billion dollars, I guess... if I had a paltry 10 million, I might do everything except for the muppets thing... really, I don't need much beyond that... I just need to build a wall of money between me and the rest of the world... THEN, I'd totally be happy, I'm sure of it...

Disappearing Ink

Hey, look, it's a new blog entry.

Oh, wait... it's a half-assed one. Nevermind.

Maybe he'll revise it later when he's got something interesting to share. You think? Because everything he writes is magic. Like one of those cheap Blackstone magic tricks that the kids used to perform for their parents, and the parents pretended to be amazed so as to encourage the kids. But the kids eventually lost interest in magic because, like, magic is for stupids.

And... PUBLISH POST.

All Work and No Play

Digging in and writing more. I was hoping some magical elves would come out while I was sleeping to start writing for me (like they did with the original play), but it looks like I'm going to have to do this one myself.
I love writing! It is fun. I like to make up characters and try to imagine what they would say.

ROBO-GIRLHello.

DINO-BOYHi there.

Wasn't that interesting? I am doing just fine. And mentally, I couldn't be better.
Every day is sunshine and buttercups in my skull. Everything is perfectly fine.

So Lo

So many things weighing on my head, can hardly think clearly enough to write about anything here. Entertained some violent thoughts about my idiot Russian super. Suffered another mild crisis over my writing ability... and my ability to lead a normal life. The holidays put me in a black mood, no matter how hard I try to combat it. Crossed my mind to reconnect with my therapist, but I admit to feeling a bit Tom-Cruise-ish toward the field of psychotherapy.

I know it's Misanthropy Central, but let me try to dwell on some positives...

Finally got through all my reading/reviewing assignments for SPF '07. (It's gonna be a corker next July, lemme tell you...) Got a good clip of writing done last night. Took my mom to see THE QUEEN yesterday and have made peace with the fact that I think Helen Mirren's a bit of a GILF. (Though I'd be hard pressed to point out any celeb I wouldn't -LF.)

This year, the holidays happen to coincide with a sort of crossroads for my life. I've got a mountain of writing to get through. My "3-month leave" from work is over at the end of December, and I've got to make the final decision on how potentially difficult I want to make my life over the next year. I've been feeling uniquely alien, lately. Banished to the Isle of Misfit Toys. But if that were the analogy, I'd have other misfit toys to interact with. It's more like I've drifted off into the middle of a Sea of Depression, upon a leaky raft of despair...

Who says I'm a bad writer...?!

(Everyone. Behind your back.)

Tanks fih Nuffin, yeh?

Yeh'd think I'd be thankful fih something, wouldn't yeh...?

Think again, bruvah...

Chinese Water Torture

I know everyone in the world is too cool to care about Guns N' Roses except for me. There were some rumors that their/his long-gestating new album "Chinese Democracy" was supposed to be released today. I've waited too long for it to get my hopes up over the rumors. Certain "friends" tease me about that album as if I were responsible for the delays...! Linus is the fool for choosing to wait in that pumpkin patch instead of losing his virginity with Sally -- The Great Pumpkin can't be faulted because he isn't real!!!

Axl Rose went from a joke to a cautionary tale. My affection for him and the "Guns N' Roses" brand has evolved since I first got into them, about 43 years ago. Some people seem inexplicably hostile at the idea that he's taken this long to work on one album. They seem damn near offended that anyone would still be interested in this album or this brand. The album leaks just fueled these people.

I don't care. These people are missing the point entirely. There is NO way for ANY album to possibly live up to this much anticipation, to dispel this much ridicule, to warrant the epic production cost and time and personel changes. The history of the production of this one album is circus-level absurd. I imagine purchasing this album will be more akin to buying a copy of a snuff film: more about the morbid curiosity of what it looks like than about the actual content. For all the hooplah over leaked tracks, I imagine only a single track on the album. Pop in the album and you'll hear the voice of Bob Costas in an echo-chamber:

"Approximately 72 hours ago, seven men with buckets on their heads -- armed with machine guns -- forced my family into a van and drove them to an undisclosed location. As I'm recording this, I'm sitting in an empty warehouse... [undecipherable] There's a man with a gun to my head and a tape recorder pointed at my mouth. For the lives of my family and myself, I am reading the following prepared statement..."

I'm no stranger to procrastination and the stress of delivering under scrutiny. I can relate to the idea of hiding from the world for a few years and not getting much done. Arguably, Axl's taken it to an extreme. But that's why I'm rooting for him. The way people cheer for the last person to finish a marathon. They may have clocked the worst time in the race, but they crossed the finish line.

Axl's yet to finish, and the crowd's gone home, but I don't care. I'll be there at the finish line, with a digital camera and a Dixie Cup of water to hand him. Because all those drugs really dehydrate you...

Emma Sez I'm a Fast Walker

Friday night, I went to see "Evil Dead: The Musical" with Sleazy & Friends. Afterwards, we all headed to Brooklyn because Brooklynites are such fucking babies about hanging out in Manhattan...

(That's right, I said it!)

I ended up crashing on Sleazoid's couch... which I must admit, is uncommonly comfortable, like being embraced by a hundred fuzzy bunny rabbits.

Woke up around 8:30 Saturday mourn. Crept out before anyone woke up. Footed it over to Nicko-n-Emma's apartment, on a whim, just coz I realized they live so ding dang dong close to the Sleaze-Factory.

Stopped by the Farmer's Market @ Grand Army on the way so I wouldn't be crashing empty-handed. Ruined Nicks & Ems flow for a few hours before heading off to see a play at The Public with FedUp.

After the play, FedUp and I walked toward the Lower East Side to have a few drinks while he waiting to go off to a birthday party I wasn't invited to. I told him all the stories I'd already told the Sleaze Party and the NickEmma Party. Felt like I was doing traveling theater.

Then FedUp went off and I walked from 1st Ave & Houston to 95th Street & Central Park West. Coz I'm a dummy and like to make everything difficult for myself.

Off-topic, WTF happened to Kramer?

You Have No Malice

My mom may whine about my ink, but she oughta get a load of dis guy. [Special thanks, AMDuncan.] Face tattoos are one thing, but I can't even tell what this guy looks like beneath his ink.

Pretty hardcore, I guess, but all the really serious kids are actually gouging the flesh off their fucking faces. Sorry, dude! Grow a pair and then try to impress me again...

Behind the Scenes: Misanthropy Central

Okay, folks, what have we got for today?, somebody start pitching...

I had an idea for an entry about how much Malice hates "Studio 60", 'cept he owns up to the fact that he keeps on watching it. Then he breaks down the reasons it doesn't work.

What is zis blog, an audition to write for SLATE? Fuck that. What else.

Been kicking around an idea for an entry about all the things that "Heroes" gets wrong and the handful of things it gets right.

You jagoffs gonna force me to be a broken record today? See previous comment and NEXT...!

How about another entry about how much he procrastinates and has a hard time writing? Humanizes him and speaks to the hearts of a lot of bloggers.

Zzz... oh Jesus, I'm sorry, I must have fallen asleep for a second... I actually say "zzz" when I sleep, like in the cartoons... and I must be in a fuckin cartoon coz these pitches are about as fresh as a Marmaduke plotline... LET'S GO, PEOPLE! WAKE ME UP!

He went to see Guns N' Roses last Friday -- he made a mention of it, but he didn't actually detail his opinions of the show. That could make an interesting entry.

Where am I? Oh yeah, it's Misanthropy Central. That makes a lot of sense because I hate all of you right now. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. What I'm looking for today is an idea that I actually like.

His dad just sent him an email, it was pretty depressing as usual. We could have him talk about that, dig into the guilt that he feels about not being close to his family. It's the holiday season and it'd make a nice holiday piece.

You. Get out. Get the fuck out of here before I lunge over this table and cut you. I'm not kidding. You're worse than fired, I'm prepared to kill you and I would like to offer you a chance to get away.

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The fuck was that? Why do you keep pitching that coded shit? Knock that off. It's fuckin alienating!

He got his first check from the entertainment industry yesterday. He hasn't even gone to the bank with it yet, he wants to post a new entry on the blog before he steps out.

Well then, we had better get this entry done so he can do that, hadn't we? You're making me sad, people. And when I get sad, I start hearing "wee-a-boo", and then things get ugly...

H-how bout a "behind-the-scenes" type entry, like imagining that there's a whole team of people who put together this blog, and what goes into putting an entry together. We could cobble together a bunch of the ideas that he's too lazy to fully form into entries. People could interpret it as like all the crazy voices in Malice's head like.

Wow. That idea might just be mediocre enough to suffice. Who needs their timesheets signed? I want to get out of here...

Pass Go!

I.

Got.

Paid.

Not everything, but part of everything...

Suck on that...!

Who wants iced cream?

{SNL}

What is up with Saturday Night Live? The writing seems a lot stronger lately. Last Saturday, Alec Baldwin hosted with Christina Aguilera on music. With surprise cameos by Steve Martin, Martin Short, Sir Paul McCartney and Tony Bennett?! Axl Rose couldn't get in...?

There's a Rain Coming

Son of a bitch. 'Zit really gonna rain ALL WEEK...??? 'Zis sposda be FUNNY...? Coz guess what -- I'm not laughin!

Jesus, I hate the rain. On ever so many levels. My demeanor isn't dark enough, I gotta suffer a week of rain? I taste venom. Alien symbiote ink is crawling up arms.

I'm using a new system on this blog to track who's reading on a daily basis. Really just for laughs. Primarily a bunch of New Yorkers, but a few hits stand out...

Pennsylvania. Mt. Laurel, New Jersey. Provence-alpes-cote D'azur, Nice, France. Wolverhampton, United Kingdom. Amsterdam. Mexico. Someone from the Halliburton Company in Texas. Who the hell are you people? Why are you reading about me complaining about the weather? I don't even know why my FRIENDS would want to read about me complaining about the weather...

My composer friend introduced me to Mikhail Baryshnikov last night. Nice man. A lot shorter than I expected. Like my size. [I always like when celebrities are a lot shorter than I expect them to be because it makes me feel like a big man.] He owns a performing arts complex in the city and we attended an intimate little concert. Unfortunately, it was just instrumental and Axl Rose did NOT show up.

End the rain. Revise the forecast, you weather assholes. I want it gone!

When You See Me, I See You

Ohhh-kay...

To the sister who MAY be reading this even though she really shouldn't. Why are you reading this blog? You should not be here. This isn't everything you think it might be. And it may worry you more than it should. I've no idea what kind of impression you might be getting from all of this, but don't assume it's accurate.

Don't know how long you've been reading this. I can't stop you from reading this. And I won't be censoring this with the knowledge that you're reading this. Though many of these entries are cryptic and/or coded, sometimes they're blunt and ugly and... strongly worded. And I can't change that.

I don't talk about family much on here. Family is hard to explain.

I've got no control over who reads this and that's the point. But you do have the option of not reading this. So consider that...

Punch

Hello, how are you? I have the devil inside of me. There is no why. Cryptograms are the order of the day. Have a good evening.

Home...

Just got home from the Guns N' Roses concert @ Madison Square Garden. Yes, I walked sixty blocks to my apartment. My miniature fortress of solitude.

Whenever I tell D & J that I'm walking home, they look at me like I've told them I intend to fly to the moon in a paper airplane. Yes, it's slightly psychotic. Subways are cheap and cabs are easy. But it's one of the things I love about living in Manhattan. When I lived in Brooklyn, I was always taking trains or cabs. But I prefer the pavement under my feet. It's the cheapest transportation, gives me time to listen to music and collect my thoughts. And I always seem to have excess energy to burn.

My demons never let me rest...

Kick to Kill

Ed Bradley has a posse. At least it wasn't lung cancer.

Congratz to the kid who hasn't smoked in 48 hours. This is for you, Spider:

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Everybody miss the pumpkin/jackolantern motif I kept through most of October? No one really gave two fucks? Oh... all right, then...

This will only be amusing for nerds who play videogames. Stupid nerds, we hate you. (Royal "we".)

[extry-extry]

Caught up on my beloved DVR watching and found out that my favorite fucking Survivor got voted off last week.

I know no one cares. I know no one still watches that show. But I loved her. The sort of love you assholes can never understand. A love that is reality-based.

I started watching this season coz the "race-war" angle suckered me in, but none of that shit ever heated up. (They shoulda had Spike Lee produce this season.) Now with the tribes all *integrated*, it's pretty much like any other fucking season of Survivor. Maybe with more Asians than usual... but aren't Asians the new Whites?

Though it gets old quick, I like the concept of Survivor. We're these animals that have developed complicated civilizations. We all exist in a world that none of us directly earned. Countries, governments, architecture, culture. You are born into something and you go with it (or at least react to it). Survivor is this strange experiment where a lot of that stuff is stripped away. Superficially, perhaps, but significantly enough to make for some interesting boob-tube time.

By the by, hooray for democracy, eh...?

Chinese Democracy next. (More specifically, November 21st. As rumours have it.)

Not Ogrish, but what else are you gonna read @ work...?

Oh... no...!

What's that, I didn't hear you...?

Scorsese signed a first-look production deal with Paramount! I think it's about time he try directing a nice horror movie...

Honestly, I don't know how any of this shit works, but I wanna meet that motherfucker. I lost Tommy Cruise, I gotta hook up with Marty. It's like a big fuckin family, right? We'll be Paramount buddies! Wheeeeee!

Everybody n-togetha now...

[HOTWATERBURNBABY]

Vangelis Again!

Working from home... is not the happy-go-lucky merry-go-round I dreamed it would be. Last night, I got so stir-crazy, I was tempted to take a late night walk down to the old day-job office to have a smoke with old 2nd-shift Sleazy.

I ended up just taking a little walk to clear my head. 40-50 blocks, no smoking allowed. It's amazing what a little pointless walking can do.

I'm still trying to find my groove. People offer suggestions, but it's a personal thing and I've just got to figure it out for myself. I get too caught up in not doing the wrong things and I'll end up not doing anything.

But I'm going to figure it out. Because I am a fucking champ. And don't you ever forget it...

Lebensborn Kinder

"Source of Life" kids. Children bred to realize the idealized Aryan race. Tomorrow was supposed to belong to THEM, dammit! But all those tomorrows became yesterdays... and yesterday came suddenly.

What is real stories behind Borat movie?

Today's quandry... an agent or a manager? How is my play getting passed around the industry? Just got a call from a cali-based literary manager who's enthusiastic about my play but didn't even know I had a deal going with Paramount... MYSTERY!

Loopy Fuckin Bear

Hey, y'all remember CRACKED, dontcherz? The (historically) less witty, second-cousin, bargain-brand copycat of Mad Magazine...

Sunday Night!!!

Head Like a Hole

My bathroom is so small and poorly designed, yesterday I tripped over the side of my bathtub and hit my head. It's so small, it's got no business having a full-size bathtub in it. How asinine would it have been if I'd broke my neck by going to brush my teeth?

Renewing my lease. Got the option to renew for 1 year or 2, but I did the math and I don't really save much by going for the 2-year. And as much as I love my neighborhood, I am paying an absurd amount for the pittance of square feet I've got. I love living in Manhattan, but it is psychotic how much the rent is. Everybody knows that, but the price of living alone in a tiny studio apartment is just unconscionable. What a silly fucking city.

I'm going to live here at least another year. Moving's just too pricey and obnoxious. If I can keep my career moving in an upward trajectory next year... maybe I could look into finding a bigger place by the time I've gotta renew the lease again.

Next year, the majority of my friends will be based in Brooklyn. But really, eff Marty Markowitz and the horse he rode in on. YOU HEAR ME, MARKOWITZ?? I'M TAWKIN TO YOU!!!

???

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All Souls Day

Happy All Souls' Day, motherfuckers. If you're not a saint, this day's for you. If you don't believe in fairy tales like "God", this day is known as "November 2".

As fed up as I am with "Lost", it's found this level of bullshit in its third season. "Heroes", on the other hand, has just begun its first season and its bullshit scale is beyond measurement. And yet, I watch. Because I hate myself.

"Lost" is a lot more frustrating than it needs to be. There are times when I'm reminded of how incredible it can be, but more frequently it's cheap and grating. Withholding information may ratchet up suspense, but in hindsight it doesn't make sense for many of these characters to withhold as much information as they do.

"Don't open that door."

"Why not?"

"Just, you know, don't."

"Tell me why I shouldn't open the door."

"Because... I don't think you should."

"I'm opening the door."

"No, don't--!"

[Opens door. A swarm of bees fly out, stinging everyone in sight.]

"Why... didn't you just tell me there was a swarm of bees behind that door...?"

"I guess I thought it would be funnier if I were more oblique."

In other news, I have been in a black mood. It's appropriate for the pressure I'm feeling, starting this new writing project. All this build-up for writing something and now I'm finally writing it and I'm second-guessing myself to death. But it's always black in the beginning. Though the writing's officially been "commenced", I found out that the "clock" hasn't officially started. I'm guessing it'll start in about a week or so. More time = more time to second-guess. Did I mention that I hate myself? Mmm...

All Hallows Day

Good All Saints Day, people. Let's embrace all that is hallowed.

And welcome to November. A vaguely off-putting idea that it's already November, but here it is, and dat's dat, and there ain't nuttin that anybody cudda dun about it...

For the squeamish, I implore you, do not let curiosity get the better of you -- do NOT click on this link:

POP!!!
---
A serious of silly questions, for the geniuses who write "HEROES":
1. A jock tries to rape a cheerleader and accidentally ends up killing her. Tree branch sticking out of her skull and everything. Let's forget the fact that her body ends up in a morgue and partially autopsied. Should the jock be weirded out at all that the girl he THOUGHT he killed is back at school the next day, without even a scratch? Would he get into a car with her and act as if nothing happened?
2. Japanese "Hiro". Can't speak a lick of English at the start of the show. A few episodes in, he can abruptly speak "broken foreign guy engrish". Why? Was it just coz it was convenient and you didn't want to bother trying to establish him learning English? Would've made sense for him to speak broken English at the top of the show, but then we wouldn't get all those hilarious scenes of him trying to warn people about the end of the world -- in Japanese!
3. If "Hiro" can stop time, couldn't he do a lot more than cheat in poker games? Couldn't he just stop time, collect all the cash he wants, then start time again? Couldn't he avoid getting beat up? Couldn't he save himself a lot of trouble that he's not saving himself?

I believe you can logic anything to death, but HEROES is too fucking annoying. I want to suspend my disbelief but the show uses the logic of a retarded child. I want to like it... and I'm still watching the stupid thing... but I just want to beat the stupid out of it...
---
It's been verified. The divorce papers are "approved". All that stupidity is legally over. Now I can go on as if nothing ever happened...

Sooo... who wants to be my wife next...?