I went to church about two weeks ago. On the Upper East Side. With devout friends.
I've been an agnostic for most of my life but this is the kind of thing you do when you're scrambling for something to hold onto during a bleak time. Churches thrive on people like me. Desperate people in desperate times, desperately seeking any sign of hope.
It was not helpful. I felt and found no hope. I was falling asleep. I was not reeled in, as much as I wanted to be. I even emailed the pastor later that day, giving him the opportunity to tailor a lure for me. He responded thoughtfully but still, nothing worked for me.
Sometime last night, during a marathon of sleep that's become all too common during this bleak downtime between gigs, I dreamed that I agreed to join a church called "Aeris".
I don't know why it was called "Aeris".
"Aeris" was the name of this character from Final Fantasy VII that was renamed "Aerith" later. She perishes saving the world, but I only know that by looking it up.
In the dreams, a lot of people in my life are devout members of the Aeris church. All the details are blurred now. I don't recall the specifics of the belief system or ever actually being in a church. I just remember the feeling of having made a mistake by joining. At the same time, hoping that maybe it could help me yet.
This has been a really tough two weeks. Not just dealing with the breakup — with the lost... the utterly butchering vivisection of that dream... but taking a deeper, longer look at the emptiness of my life at this stage. 90% of my friends have kids, 98% have significant others. People with homes and careers and families. And I have... a blog I can't even bring myself to update as regularly as I used to.
I have not been well. I am starting a new job with complete strangers on Thursday and I need to pull myself together.