Wednesday, March 31, 2004

cry little sister

it's a precarious balance, working in an office. this handful of people you're forced to interact with day in, day out. being friendly while maintaining your boundaries. people generally know to stay away from office romances, but i generally try to stay away from office friendships -- unless i'm certain that the person is suitably stable and "safe".

but that balance of not being "friends" but being "friendly" (in order to maintain an easy workplace environment) can be so tricky -- exponentially the longer you're there.

this one fellow (let's call him "WB") has been waging a vigorous campaign to be my "beyond the boundaries" friend for a good while now, ever since he found out that i play videogames. his latest bit of warfare was to give me an "extra copy" of Final Fantasy Online that he just happened to have. he expects me to install this mammoth waste of time and harddrive space so that our avatars can fight alongside each other in this fantasy land, waging endless war against hordes of vaguely defined Evil.

if i were 12, this might sound cool to me. but i'm 28, and i'm married, and shitting away an entire weekend so that i can "level up" my character and earn enough virtual money to purchase magical chainmail for my "Chocobo" sounds like something that would make me fucking suicidal.

so now... to come up with the perfect lie to cover for the fact that i didn't even bother trying to sully my harddrive with this bullshit...

[INTERLUDE] Ben the Proofer writes my blog

dear my blog,

can't write a lot, since the day is still unfolding. wb and me talked videogames, jp called out sick and i talked to mpp today. more about that later. see ya!

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

o sullen boy

day 2 of my new position at work. let me recount how my day is different:

i'm sitting at a different desk in the same room.

now, theoretically, i'll be sent out to cover other people at other desks on other floors. when they're out sick or on vacation. otherwise, i'm on the proverbial bench, doing the same old shit i've been doing for an embarrassment of time.

i got sooo wasted last night. not a "happy" wasted, unfortunately. i was trying to help a friend. (yes, despite popular thought, i do have friends.) drinking is a brutal thing, tho. i don't see how other people do it on a regular basis.

as me and me mate were tucking on cancer sticks outside the pub, this irish bloke steps out, all worked up as if he were pumping up his blood for a prize fight, and says to us:

"i'm doin' it, fellas... i'm goin' ta break up wit moy girlfriend... i'm doin' it fo' real dis toyme, i'm fed up... wish me's luck..."

we placed our hands in a pile and raised em up as if we were getting ready to play a game. the irishman started to walk off, "i'll be back in a few minutes, i'll tell yaz how it went..."

when we were leaving the pub, the irishman pops up again, after doing the deed. turns out his girlfriend's name was "jennifer kim". this was funny on several different levels, none of which i'll elaborate on here.

the world is filled with so much pain and suffering. i need to take a vacation somewhere far away from the world.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Rolling Stone

Apparently I'm in the new issue of ROLLING STONE -- well, the letters section. I haven't gotten my copy yet, but I'd written to comment on an article they'd published about the recent spate of NYU suicides. Thing is, lots of NYU kids were committing suicide back when I was there (1993-1997) but for some reason it never reached the media like it has this time. (My freshman year alone, 3 kids leaped from my dorm. In fact, the shit-heels who ran my dorm tried to move me into a vacancy created by one of the suicides.)

Anyway, the article was called "The Lost Freshman" (by Janet Reitman) and it's really fascinating if you can find it. I did a search for the article online but only came up with this blog entry. Some kids who knew Stephen Bohler commented that the article got some things wrong and that the writer didn't talk to the right people -- people who really knew Stephen. Suicide's a complicated, totally irrational thing -- which i imagine must be the biggest difficulty to trying to trace a "reason" in the aftermath.

Saturday, March 27, 2004


it's late and clearly i've got too much time on my hands. quick question -- please leave your answers as COMMENT:

what was your high school mascot?

(mine was the Ramapo Gryphon, in green and gold)

[PS: i know i've been updating faster than many of you are actually checking, so please be sure to humor me and read some of the posts below...]

Friday, March 26, 2004

Death of the Party

Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz are no longer. Neither is currently seeing anyone new. (Heads up, single people...) Here's hoping that Cruise finds an appropriate mate who can afford him a better Q-rating.

A friend forwarded me this appalling article about President George W. Bush's appearance at this year's Radio and Television Correspondents' Association Dinner. For those who don't like clicking through, here's an abridged text, courtesty of David Corn:

(The Radio and Television Correspondents' Association Dinner is) a formal-and-fun affair where thousands of media folks assemble at the Hilton for a fancy dinner and fab pre- and post-parties...

The current president is often the honored guest at this annual affair, and the audience toasts him in what is supposed to be a sign of communal and nonpartisan spirit. And, the tradition is, that the president has to be funny; he has to provide us with an amusing speech that pokes fun at himself and his political foes. After all, political journalists love to see politicians engage in self-deprecating humor. Bill Clinton was quite good at these performances. Bush seems to enjoy them less. Rather than do straight standup, he sometimes relies on a humorous slide show, and that was how he chose to entertain the media throng this time.

It's standard fare humor. Bush says he is preparing for a tough election fight; then on the large video screens a picture flashes showing him wearing a boxing robe while sitting at his desk. Bush notes he spends "a lot of time on the phone listening to our European allies." Then we see a photo of him on the phone with a finger in his ear. There were funny bits about Skull and Bones, his mother, and Dick Cheney. But at one point, Bush showed a photo of himself looking for something out a window in the Oval Office, and he said, "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere."

The audience laughed. I grimaced. But that wasn't the end of it. After a few more slides, there was a shot of Bush looking under furniture in the Oval Office. "Nope," he said. "No weapons over there." More laughter. Then another picture of Bush searching in his office: "Maybe under here." Laughter again.

Disapproval must have registered upon my face, for one of my tablemates said, "Come on, David, this is funny." I wanted to reply, Over 500 Americans and literally countless Iraqis are dead because of a war that was supposedly fought to find weapons of mass destruction, and Bush is joking about it...

At the end of the slide show, Bush displayed two pictures of himself with troops and noted these were his favorites. The final photograph was a shot of special forces soldiers--with their faces blurred to protect their identities--who were posing in Afghanistan where they had buried a piece of 9/11 debris in a spot that had once been an al Qaeda camp. Bush spoke about the prayer the commander had said during the burial ceremony and noted he had this photograph hanging in his private study.

So what's wrong with this picture? Bush was somber about the sacrifice being made by U.S. troops overseas. But he obviously considered it fine to make fun of the reason he cited for sending Americans to war and to death...

... there was Bush--apparently having a laugh at his own expense, but actually doing so on the graves of thousands. This was a callous and arrogant display. For Bush, the misinformation--or disinformation--he peddled before the war was no more than material for yucks. As the audience laughed along, he smiled. The false statements (or lies) that had launched a war had become merely another punchline in the nation's capital.

Thankfully, it looks like this is getting larger press. Though this CNN article seems ultimately dismissive of the weight of this. Can we get this evil, religious-freak dumb-ass out of the white house any sooner? Come on, American Public, you have got to be opening your eyes soon...

Thursday, March 25, 2004

nothing man

Nine Inch Nail's new album is called BLEED THROUGH, it's coming out this year and I cannot fucking wait. I love Trent Reznor. Guns N' Roses (and the literal circus it has devolved into) will always have a special place in my pop music heart, but NIN has really kept me going.

I need to be better at applying for fellowships. It seems I'm always missing the deadlines. C., god bless her, is always forwarding me stuff and reminding me to send out for them, and I have been very clumsy about following through. There's a fellowship application that's due tomorrow: I'd put something together for it, but I'd need TWO LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION and i can't fake those -- errr, i mean, *acquire* those in time...

I have an idea of the identities of a handful of people who read my blog on a semi-/regular basis, based on COMMENTing and things people mention to me in conversation, but I *know* there are others. It's one of the reasons I now have to be a little more careful about my ranting.

O, but there are things I would like to tell you about, dear blog...

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

1000 cigarettes

Saw an old friend, Stevie Chen (aka, "Grampa Oatmeal", "Grampa Oatz", "Uncle Marvelous"), on THE DAVE CHAPPELLE SHOW last night. Wasn't planning on watching it but I got caught up in this one sketch where Dave knocks up Oprah and then moves in with her to mooch off her money/lifestyle, and suddenly we see STEVIE's familiar mug pop up in a closeup. Chappelle even calls him "Steve".

Short work week. Just have to deal with the accountant tonight and then I plunge into a mini spring break with C. Nothing like a 4-day weekend. (I'm still pushing for 7-day weekends.)

My last day in my old position. Though not my last day in this office. I'll act sort of as a substitute teacher. When a liaison is out (sick, vacation), I'll be sent to fill in for them. Otherwise, it's the same old job, the same old seat. I won't make you sleepier by explaining what it is I do.

It is warming up outside, in starts and stops. How encouraging...

Tuesday, March 23, 2004


I've added a hit counter, which should help me find out how many times I've rechecked my own blog.

[Coz so few read it, get it?! Whoopeee!]

door #3

i got the promotion. i'm no longer a "senior operator" -- i'm a "floater liaison". (kinda sounds like something you'd find in a toilet bowl.)

everything has been said before

i don't wanna get on a rant here... so i won't. ha!

(but you know what i was gonna say.)

running out of magazines to read at work. i put my name in for a sorta/kinda promotion at work. it could end up being a pain in the friggin' ass, but if it's more money... jesus, why have they kept me so long? i've never been at a place so long as to warrant any kind of promotion. they shoulda fired me when they had the chance!!!


C. was very ill Sunday. she slept for almost 2 days. i got concerned. we were supposed to go see ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND on Sunday night, but she was too sick to go and i'd already bought the tickets for everybody. brilliant friggin' movie. i so Envy charlie kaufman -- i'd like to murder him in a "SE7EN"-type manner. if you murder someone, you can steal their career. no foolin'.

just saw Martha Stewart outside the building as i was taking a smoke break. well, i saw the back of her, but apparently it was the real deal. no handlers, no bodyguards. shopping for a long trip, no doubt.

i wish *i* were going somewhere for a long time...

Ben the Proofer just made fun of me for blogging in the middle of the day. i may have to shank him in the men's room. i hope he doesn't read this entry.

rescheduled the accountant meeting for tomorrow night. me and the missus are filing jointly coz that's what married people do, so i'm told.

i wish i were on spring break right now like everybody else...

Sunday, March 21, 2004

send in the clowns

saw 5 hours of theater today, then went to karaoke with Christofah, Monifork, and Cartel.

saw the accountant briefly on friday night. he was over an hour late with the appointment. tole me it'd be cheaper if we filed jointly, as a married couple, even though you get penalized when both people in a marriage hold down jobs. maybe i'll quit my job, then. i just have to ask C. if she minds working longer hours to cover us...

my accountant's breath smells bad.

he's been doing taxes since 1977. i was 1 year old and still had trouble holding my bladder. not much has changed in the world.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

punk pistol

i know i'm posting these friggin blogs faster than people are even reading 'em -- my production is far exceeding demand! -- but such is the world. little messages in bottles.

Jewel is in a Feria hair commercial? i'm all about selling out as much as the market will bear you, but come on...

THE APPRENTICE was a cheap "recap" show tonight. Basically, an hour dedicated to summarizing everything that occurred since the season began. Admittedly, it helped coz I didn't start watching till a few shows in, and I missed the last one, but CHRIST i hate this reality show b.s. i mean, reality shows aren't cheap enough, they've gotta stretch a season by dumping in *filler* episodes like this that don't offer any progress.

and yet, i watch zombie-like...

rest assured, there is healthy self-contempt along with all my misanthropy...

wonder if i can get anyone to watch a double of PASSION OF THE CHRIST and that DAWN OF THE DEAD remake with me tomorrow...?

feast of burden

another day, updating my blog from work. i cannot make a habit of this as i'm sure there must be repercussions. but it is deadly quiet, here. o, so quiet.

i like charlie kaufman a lot. i envy his career. i'm considering changing my name to "Charr-Lee Koffmannn" and stealing some of his career momentum. i think that this is a sound plan.

i get to have lunch with the missus today! take that, actor's studio kids! kidnapping my wife for days on end... did you think you could hide her from me forever!!? blao!, suckaaas...

i have a date with my accountant tomorrow night. hopefully, he can wave his magician's wand and make my troubles disappear.

i can't wait to return to my fortress of solitude...

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Happy St. Paddy's

o how the day progresses with such lethargy… i shouldn’t be updating from work, but i am the work of the devil… idle hands, and so forth...

it is so difficult to put blinders on and do your creative work at your own pace without looking over your shoulder to see how everybody else is progressing. i know it's just the kiss of death to try to compare yourself to other folks, in terms of creative accomplishments and vocational advancement, but it's sooo hard not to.

still. must try to concentrate on my own work. not just "keeping up". that will only lead to crapitude.

the other week, i met a woman from, purportedly, the very first Dramatic Writing Program class at NYU's Tisch School of the Arts. (My old haunt.) I graduated in 1997. she went there in 1980. i was surprised at the number of teachers we had in common, despite the gap. she was just as bitter an alum as anybody i went to school with... that woman's name? Amy Heckerling... ha ha. actually, i don't even remember what her name was. this is why i'm a retarded networker. (that and the whole 'misanthropy' thing...)

every week, to help boost morale, the head trainer at work has been given *permission* to forward everybody a "Joke of the Week", provided that it is *clean* and inoffensive. this week's entry:

--begin forward--

Faith and Begorah, Happy St. Patrick's Day to you all!

It took me a while to find a joke that was both appropriate for the day and appropriate for the workplace. But I believe the one below will do. I found it at

I hope everyone enjoy this day 'o the green. Remember the immortal words of my Father: "There are two kinds of people in this world - those who are Irish and those who wish they were."

Erin go Bragh!



A lawyer from Texas, while hunting in the West of Ireland, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the Texan climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The lawyer replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pick it up."

The old man answered, "This is my property yer crossin into, and I'm tellin you, yer not coming over."

The indignant attorney said, "I'll have you knw that I'm one of the best solicitors in all of the US, and if you don't let me retrieve my bird, I'll take ye to court for everything y'own!"

The old farmer looked him over and said, "Well now, being as how you're not from around here, you don't know how we settle things like this. Y'see now, here we use the three-kick method.

"And what would that be?", asked the lawyer.

The farmer said, "First I kick you three times and then you do the same to me, and back and forth like that till one or the other gives up."

The Texan thought this over, and quickly decided he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to the local custom. The old farmer walked slowly over to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy boot in the solicitor's groin dropping him to his knees. The second blow nearly wiped the lawyers nose off his face. The attorney was flat on the ground when the farmer's third kick to the kidney almost finished him.

The lawyer dug deep for his every bit of will, dragged himself standing, and said, "Okay you old bugger, now it's my turn.

The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw I believe I'll give up now. You can have the bird."

--end forward--

d'ja see that comin' a mile away...?

no? shame on you...

what a discouraging world...

how'm i gonna get home with all this irish pride in my way?

Monday, March 15, 2004

master procrastinator class

Humor me with my infatuation with the animated gifs. I used to make little animated shorts with my home video cam when I was a kid, so this animated gif thing is very amusing to me. I downloaded this animated GIF maker from CNET and I can use it for 14 more days before it stops working.

How many animated gifs can I make in 14 days...?

Sir Thai-Hoa Le

O! my -- i may have to actually buy this fucking program. Too many ideas for me to exploit fully in just 14 days.

I've sort of got my archives back up and running -- don't look too pretty, but now you can see our humble blogging beginnings.

That Passion of the Christ continues to prove how much I don't represent mainstream America... I am so disappointed in you, Hidalgo...

Coming Soon: an update of my shit list! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

... it brings on many changes...

Just found out about the sad fate of Spalding Gray this weekend. Though he was missing and it was presumed that he had taken his life, there was that dim hope that he'd just wandered off and gone on some adventure that would surely sound rational once he'd gotten back and written a funny/poignant monologue about it.

Sadder knowing that he'd struggled with depression/suicidal tendencies early on in his life, and that it would revisit him later. You would hope that once a person is out of those woods, they're out...

I enjoyed his work -- what I've seen of it. It is a shame. Now he can hang out with Andre the Giant, Raul Julia and Andy Kaufman...

Sunday, March 14, 2004

come see the paradise

Well, this is my sad attempt to spruce up the look of my blog, using my 2nd grade knowledge of HTML and some rudimentary Illustrator skillset. (Like throwing paint on a shitty old car.) This BLOGGER template I use, they don't even offer anymore and it's kind of a dump. I don't even know how to fix the archives, which is why I have it set to show so many of my old posts on this main page. (Because I know there is such a desperate demand to read all my old posts.)

Friends have been trying to convince me to blog elsewhere, and/or to use different programs, but it takes a lot of courage to just pick up sticks and move elsewhere. It's like being stuck in a bad relationship: it's such a mess but I believe I can make it work... I've invested so much into it, I can't give up now...!

I'm revisiting an old horror script I wrote in film school. I swear, I don't just write horror. I just feel like it's a genre that can be exploited so much more than it has been. And I want to be part of that exploitation.

Friday, March 12, 2004

it's a do or die situation

meeting my accountant next friday night.  it'll be the second year i've used an accountant (this accountant) to do my taxes.  he is very good but i have never really met with him.  last year i just sent him the forms with some supporting documentation and a letter.  are you asleep yet?  are you still reading this or have you already clicked through your bookmarks to read what PARRY SHEN's doing today?
i gotta get my receipts in order.  and i don't know what kind of effect this whole "getting married" last year has on my/our tax situation.
i've recently been getting into the whole "reading other people's blogs" thing.  i mean, not just friends of mine.  i won't say who because, for all i know, they might be reading this -- and i want them to continue writing their blogs without knowing that i'm there.  it's a strange, voyeuristic thing.  peeking into someone's daily diary.  not always someone you like, either.  bwuehehehe... suckas...
i love 80s music.
i really liked Roger Dodger.  i just saw it today, after a friend recommended it a long time ago and i was just like "yeah yeah yeah".  i wasn't liking it so much for the first 10 minutes or so... and then it began to turn... like a Polaroid fading to focus... a nice accompaniment to In the Company of Men, so stay away if you hated that one -- which many people did but i didn't... HA!

Monday, March 08, 2004

Hidalgo: Glue Factory

Sorry, Mikey, we gotta put down Hidalgo!
But WHY, papa?!  WHY!!!!!
He came in third behind Jesus and a movie based on a TV show.  You don't want him livin' in that kinda pain.
I can take care of him!  I'll feed him and walk him and shield him from the reminders of failure!
You'll always have your memories of Hidalgo.  Let those keep you warm at night...

Saturday, March 06, 2004

the purging

christ, i puked so much last night.
co-worker's b-day party.  i didn't even drink that much.  (3 gin + tonic, 1 glass champagne -- is that a lot?)  but i came to the bar already dehydrated and didn't eat dinner and i tried to eat food afterwards but that, clearly, was a bad idea.
saw ralph fiennes at the bar.  it was at Ye Waverly Inn, 16 Bank St.  when you go there, bring a bunch of over-excited friends and ask them when ralph gets in and if you can get seated at a table near ralph and would ralph mind if everyone took flash pictures of him while he was eating.  this will let ralph know that he is loved by total strangers and will encourage him to continue dining at this establishment with great regularity.
i love famous people.  they are gods among us ants.
(i stole that from x-men 2.)
i have 2 go 2 another bar barfday party 2night.  no drinky for me.  just watching people drink on tv makes me wanna heave.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Hidalgo vs. Starsky & Hutch vs. Jesus

this blog thing is very strange.  for a while i was updating once a month or less.  then i had my reading and suddenly i was updating almost daily for a while.  and now... do you still update a blog if you don't really have anything new to report?  i'm not gonna test your attention span by discussing shitty new developments at work...
there's something strange about the idea of a blog.  a public diary that anyone can read, but most often it's a set group of people that you know -- people you've shared the url with.  and you don't necessarily know who among those people will ever actually check the blog.  (unless they leave comments -- and more people read than comment.)  it doesn't matter who you are: everybody gets a blog!  some are just more trafficked than others...
that said, here are some url's to check out for enlightenment:
i'd like to take a vacation somewhere nice... somewhere far...

Monday, March 01, 2004

suicide is painless

The Passion of the Christ has made a mind-boggling $125.2 million in its first five days.  Which just proves my idea that there are a fuckload of Jesus freaks in this country.  Somehow this frightens me.  I haven't seen it yet, but Mel's been acting loonier than ever in many of these interviews.  And I don't think he's been necessarily helping his public image.
I know money talks, but I wonder how this will affect his career from here on.
Sometimes it seems like, more and more, the end of the world is nigh.  The President and one of the biggest Hollywood stars start going God-happy, and all The People flock to the movie theaters to have this religious experience.
A friend told me he was watching all these people leave a big multiplex this weekend and he was trying to figure out if they were "Passion" people or "50 First Dates" people.  Many of them were still wiping tears from their puffy eyes.  Adam Sandler has that effect on people.
Hidalgo: The Movie opens this weekend.  I'm hoping that it claims the top spot at the box office and the headlines on Monday read,
The end of the world really is near, isn't it...?