thunder of holidays

happy fucking holiday. i know it's only hallow-fucking-ween, but it's the perfect warm-up holiday to the relentless holiday season. people get together, dress up funny, celebrate the good things with the people they love -- the people who love them back. i suppose you need more excuses to compound body heat when the weather starts getting bitter.

or not.

in any case, i need to call con ed and keyspan to shut off the heat and gas in my place. because why would i need heat or light?

why in the name of god would i ever want to return

peel off our skin,
we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
fuck in the fire,
and we'll spread all the ashes around
i wanna kill away the rest of what's left
and i do
yes i do

time check. this is where it gets interesting. the fortress is looking more and more chaotic the more it gets dismantled. the majority of my boxes are getting filled up with things i'm donating. get rid of a bookshelf and reveal a whole new area to sort through. open a drawer and reveal another junkbox of memories i need to get rid of. the more i do, the worse the place looks. and i still don't know where i'll be living in two weeks. what a fantastic fucking city i call home.

this extra hour is really going to make a difference.

i can't wait until the poisonous maple syrup cloud starts to thin out the population. maybe it'll be easier to find an apartment.

I'm Losing You

Nothing like a season of death to make you reflect upon the afterlife.

For the record, I'm not sure what I believe in but I'm fascinated by "real ghost" pictures...

Really old photos are hard to trust in general. They tend to have a spookier quality because of the texture of the old film stocks and all the natural light leaks. But people used a lot of "double-exposure" tricks back in the day, experimenting with the medium. In this picture, the photographer left a lot of headspace in the framing.

This one is creepier, IMHO. The man in the backseat. It's subtler. You get the sense that the man in the passenger seat wasn't aware of anything, which is always a sweet touch.

This one looks a little too much like a clip from a horror film. Supposedly taken in an empty hospital hallway in the 1920s.

Family portrait. Shenanigans? Possibly. But I know this house and there were some really unsettling things happening in there for years.

there is no fucking you!!! there is only me!!!

less concerned about living in the world...
... your world, that is...
-nin

crazy joey was trying to tell me about buddhism the other night, at the bar. living in the now instead of worrying so much about the future. now, i ain't no buddhist but something about the idea appeals to me. forget the future. just let it go.

as for the now, i've got about 9 more hours i've got to clock on this work-week. dodging work is nearly as arduous as actually doing work. but it's the idea that counts.

i've got another long weekend ahead of me, thanks to all the vacation days i didn't use up during the year. most of it will be spent packing and hopefully looking at apartments. this'll become a mantra over the next few weeks, but i cannot wait to be in my new home. wherever it ends up. (east river with cement block shoes?)

more pork snausages, mom

is it october 26th? are you fucking kidding me??

don't know where-at you're reading this from, but it's as cold as a witch's tit here in the city that won't die. i've been living in this region all my life, and yet i always forget how cold it fucking gets. mother-of-fuck.

have i mentioned how relieved i am that my show obligation is over? fuck and yeah. i aced it and i didn't burn any bridges i didn't intend to burn. (though perhaps i failed to burn some bridges that i ought to have burned, but we'll deal with that in the new year...)

nick-o and e-wun are s'posda drop by the Fortress of Solitude this weekend to possibly loot more of my furniture. everything must go! tonight and tomorrow night are dedicated to boxing as much as i can. i can do this.

wouldn't mind seeing jgoose and merillon sometime soon (next week?), but the specifics of my move should compromise my time over the next few weeks...

i fear dr. craig and dr. stef are a little too far for me to see before my move...

jet and elle are wild cards...

and i guess that's all my major coupled friends, who might still read this blog. (rico and sara sr. don't count.) thank you, jesus, for hooking up all my fucking friends in the past 5 years. and, you know, for the number you did on me. i'll see you in hell.

i'm actually in a cheerful mood today.

not that it matters

not that anyone should care, but my show went off remarkably well saturday night. particularly the second show. i'd hazard to say our segment was the best of the lot, by several people's accounts. my actors really brought it together, as i played the proud, drunk father rooting them on from the front row.

still, i'm not sorry i didn't invite any friends. the show as a whole was kind of crap and pointless. many reasons for this, but ultimately it's not my theater company. i did what i agreed to do and i'm done with it. now i get to concentrate my efforts on picking up the pieces of my life. it'll be funny.

feeling strangely disconnected today. that show has been such an unnecessary burden. now i've just got the clockwork of finding a new home. a final resting place, so to speak. oh, to sleep without dreams...!

"right where it belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the holl-ow-ness inside of your heart,
And it's all... right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your re-flec-tion,
Is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone
You can live in this illusion...
You can choose to believe....
You keep looking but you can't find the words...
Are you hiding in the dream...?

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems...?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream...?
And if you look at your re-flec-tion,
Is it all you want to be...?
What if you could look right through the cracks...?
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see...?

malicefool

the inner-monologue gets a little too loud sometimes, it's hard to turn it down. trying to give myself the space to be a human being with flaws and failures. it's okay to fail. (NO IT'S NOT, YOU STUPID FUCK!) it's okay to say and do stupid things sometimes. (ARE YOU NUTS? WHY DO YOU LET YOURSELF LIVE??) i'm going through a very difficult transitional time, and people will forgive me for falling to pieces now and again. (THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING AT YOU, YOU MORON!) i'm my own worst critic. (see previous, all caps.) but if i can just get through the next few weeks, the world will open up for me. (A WORLD OF PAIN AND SUFFERING -- GIVE UP, DUMMY.)

sunspots

sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
sometimes i forget i'm alive
i feel it coming and i've gotta get out of its way
i hear it calling and i come cuz i can't disobey...

some days are black. even when there's no reason for them to be. maybe it's the lack of sleep and the overclocked head and the bad dreams i can't even remember. how can i feel so relaxed and so strung out at the same time?

muppets take malice

broken keyboard at work. couldn't even log in because the "c" key was sticking so badly. (an omen...?) called help desk for a replacement keyboard that never came. eventually, a coworker came by and busted it into something usable.

this week's the final gauntlet of that show i'm associated with, occurring somewhere in n.y.c. on saturday.

tonight's rehearsal will be visited by the 'artistic director', which should be 'fun'. tomorrow night, i'm visiting one of my actors at his apartment to give him the what-for. thursday night, dress rehearsal in the space. friday is open for emergencies. and saturday, this abomination will be born. but it's just too damn late to be aborted.

arkham

god damn actors...

last night was supposed to be my one full cast rehearsal before the show. two of my actors backed out at the last minute. i've only had one rehearsal with those two actors. the actors i had were still shaky with their lines. i've worked in some pretty amateur situations, but i have never had to chase after actors as much as i have with this motherfucking show. i thought i had some bad experiences in the past, but at least people showed up to the fucking rehearsals.

the stupid thing is, these fuckers actually paid $50 to act in this fucking show. i'm just a director. they're the ones who have to go onstage and make asses of themselves. with all the shit i'm dealing with right now, this show's just a fucking farce.

i get some purple heart for this fucking year? jesus titty-fucking christ.

run away

i was looking at the remains of my apartment after my actors had left last night, and i meditated on the ruins of everything that was once good and innocent. every sweet memory of the past 5 years has literally been rendered trash. to be sold, donated or -- most likely -- thrown away. like it was all some absurd, elaborate reverie.

this doesn't "happen to everyone".

i'd gladly erase the past 5 years if i could. i'd give up everything "good" in those 5 years. i wish i had never met her. i don't know if she'll ever appreciate how much i've given her in the past 5 years and how little she's left me with. anything she's given me, she's negated on the way out. this isn't just the end of a relationship. this is a betrayal.

i don't know who'll be reading this. silently. conflicted. voyeuristic. but this shitty plot of blog space is mine to sully. and i've got less than zero now. everything has changed. so all bets are off.

(btw, this is so funny it makes me want to blow my brains out!)

met a morph osis

guns guns guns guns
knives knives knives knives
bricks
bones

guess all those fucking lunatics were right, i AM emotionally unstable!!! (you would be too if you were surrounded by all those fucks.)

rehearsal for thursday night's cancelled. i was a little pissed because one of my actresses is a stupid fucking {expletive}, but this is actually the best news i've gotten all year. i thought working on this show would be a fun diversion, a chance to meet some new people, a chance to explore the art. it's just been a fucking chore. i got two hours to get through tonight and i'm off of it till sunday night. raise the red lantern.

i'm feeling particularly malevolent and carcinogenic.

desolation

need to calm down. one thing at a time. the place will get taken care of. i will find a new home and it will be better. concentrate on the show for now. three rehearsals this week, three nights, two hours a shot, that's not bad. the actors have the hard work, all i have to do is herd them and give them an outlet to run it a shitload of times. will take pictures of all the things i need to sell off on friday. another counseling session on friday night, it's like an exit interview. saturday, do something nice for myself, like get shit-faced. sunday night, a big rehearsal, maybe our last real shot to get it right. monday, vacation day. tuesday night, the last real rehearsal i have to run. next thursday night, big group rehearsal/meeting. next saturday, the show, all day prep. and then i'm out. december will be better. maybe even mid-november will be better. small housewarming party to christen whatever Fortress of Solitude 2 ends up being.

die alone. die alone. die alone.

panic room

called in sick today. (bitch i spoke to was all attitude, but she can get fucked.) was hoping to hold off on using another sick day coz i got an limited number of them and this might be my last "safe" one, but when you're sick you're sick. and if i ever needed a mental health day...

apartment's a lot emptier now. there's still a lot here that's been left behind. stuff of hers to be donated or sold or thrown away. but it's a strange sensation. i'm trying to cook myself something right now and i'm realizing all the things that aren't here anymore. it's weird to feel a stab of pain at realizing that i'm not going to be using a certain pot anymore. no blender. down a cutting board.

this weekend was one of the toughest. horrible panic attacks. little sleep. need to pull myself together. need to breathe.

pray for malice

With the blood from my body
I could start my own still
But if drinking don't kill me
Her memory will...

my spirits and mood swings grow more and more mercurial. i've been sleeping less, which has rendered me a space cadet. i can't think straight. mental breakdown, kill spree, suicide blitzkrieg, what's it going to be, eh? the sadness is like thunder. i need to lie down. i need a night without dreams.

trashed

part of me gearing up for my move is trying to throw out a lot of stuff.

when i walked out this mourning, i found all this shit i'd thrown out strewn about the sidewalk -- and around the building. including a dry-erase board that i don't think i'd wiped off. it was very unsettling, but i had to get to work.

i've been feeling very uneasy all mourning. from the time i woke up. like i want to claw my skin off. i need to calm down. hit the gym during my lunch hour to try to even myself out. i am feeling very sick.

widow for a year

As one slowly makes the adjustment to all the ways in his or her life that have changed as a result of the loss, a sense of reorganization and renewal begins to evolve. Life is forever changed after a significant loss, but you slowly learn how the different aspects of your life become reprioritized as you “pick up the pieces” and begin to move on. It is not that you forget about the person who died, but you have begun to learn how to live with this knowledge.

it's been over a year since my wife walked out on me. i've done everything i could in this year. i've gone a lot further than anyone i know would have gone. but now it's over. as much as i've grieved this past year, the end is still hard. like pulling the plug on someone who's been in a coma for over a year.

some people may question why or how i 'held out' as long as i have, but i had to do this my way. i made a commitment that meant something to me. i've got some big hurdles over the next few months, between sorting things out and moving and making things official. but even though this is ending, i don't regret putting in the effort that i did.

now it's time for me to try to find some peace.

it's over

in the back
off the side
and far away
is a place
where I hide
where I stay

tried to say
tried to ask
I needed to
all alone
by myself
where were you?

how could I
ever think
it's funny how
everything that swore it wouldn't change
is different now

just like you
would always say
"we'll make it through"
then my head
fell apart
... and where were you?

how could I
ever think
it's funny how
everything you swore would never change
is different now

like you said
you and me
make it through...
didn't quite!
fell apart!
where the fuck were you?