Bitter. Yes, I can easily succumb to being bitter. It doesn't help, it doesn't feed, it doesn't inspire... but it's honest. It's an honest feeling that I can own up to — and in a way, feel better that I'm not spitting lies about it. I won't pretend that I'm above being fucking bitter.
When you're down and out, it's hard to look up and see other people enjoy success.
Facebook is filled with bragging. Come see my new show! Check out the great job I just landed! Look at my amazing kids! Pictures from my incredible vacation are up!
Oh, but if the reminders were only relegated to Facebook...
Seeing people I know in TV shows, or commercials, or magazines. Catching up with people over the holidays and hearing about all the brilliant promise in their careers and lives; people with kids younger than me who are more successful.
Of course, I'm talking about people I used to know, or faintly know. Former friends who have been demoted to acquaintances or frenemies or exes. I would not begrudge their successes if I knew I were on the right track. If I had my shit together and my career were on schedule. There is nothing worse than comparing the progress of your life/career with other people. It can drive you crazy.
Other people's successes can serve to highlight your own failures. They can be an indictment of your life and your dearth of accomplishments. It's not their fault... and yet somehow it is. And then it's time to take a bath in self-loathing.
Not exactly the most fruitful year of my life. Ultimately, the poorest year. But again, maybe it's too early to judge. The things that were started this year could pay off yet. Over a longer arc of time, could this year still be redeemed...?