Monday, December 19, 2011

Dehumanizing Malice

My mind is clearer now.

Over the years, I've grown colder. I don't bleed the same way. I'm better at concealing emotion. Or killing it outright. I can be heartless.

So when something happens that reminds me I'm a human being... it fucking hurts.

Letting go is something I've been working on for a long time. I've improved but it's not always easy. Something hurts, I still have the instinct to hold onto it. Transfix on the wound.

I should have had a great time this weekend. Which is to say, element for element, this should have added up to a great weekend. Saw some good movies, hung out with some good friends, did some impromptu potluck cooking and won a flip-cup tournament at a holiday party. I enjoyed these things... and still, I was haunted.

By what? By something that seemed to go well. By something that, at least, didn't seem to go badly. But it is my unique gift that I can take something that went well and turned it over and dissect it moment by moment until it becomes something tragic.

Jesus, lately this has become Self-Flagellation Central.

Avoiding failure is not the same thing as achieving success. At a certain point, success involves risk. At a certain point, avoiding risk becomes the same thing as avoiding success. But all of it takes such a toll...

This doesn't have to be this difficult. Maybe something just touched a nerve this past week. Reminded me that I'm capable of caring about something that's not career-related.


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