Today was one of those bleak days. It's easier to write about hard times when you've moved beyond them. There's always so much riding on perception. And I don't want to give some people the satisfaction of seeing me admit to struggling.
Fact remains that I've written a lot that I haven't gotten paid for in the past few years. I'm in wait-mode for one project right now -- a very extended wait-mode -- and trying to write other things while I wait. But it's difficult to not get discouraged.
Meanwhile, the last steady job I had ended in mid-February. A shorter gig on a television pilot got aborted before I could start. The break from a regular 9-5 gig has been helpful -- because that last gig took a unique toll -- but it's not easy making ends meet when you're scraping by on the dole. And these accounting gigs were just meant to help supplement the screenwriting gigs.
Then today, my desktop computer dies. So now I've got to deal with the expense and logistics of replacing it; and I can't really afford it right now but it's not a frivolous expense. Then this afternoon, my dad calls. Hadn't spoken to him in months. So we have one of our typical, awkward conversations. And I'm trying to avoid letting him know how much I'm struggling. I'd just like to prove to my old man that I can make it on this path I've chosen -- and he catches me on this particularly bleak day so I'm trying to not let him hear the panic in my voice. (But if he had any skill at reading social cues, we'd probably have a better relationship.)
Adding to the anxiety, I'm left to deal with trying to find someone to sublet my roommate's room since he's decided to extend his travels and our original replacement is leaving at the end of this month. A lot of responses from the Craigslist ad but a lot of people flaking out, as well.
One of the worst feelings in the world is getting to a certain age and starting to lose confidence in a career path -- a dream you've pursued since childhood. Because you take that away from me and there is literally nothing left. I've sacrificed everything. Nothing left to take solace in. Sometimes, it feels like there's no one I can talk to. No one has any idea what to say to me to talk me down off the ledge.