Monday, July 27, 2015

Joykill


It's a real pain not enjoying the things that I used to enjoy. I think it's connected to the writing problem. Nothing gives me joy. Nothing seems to cheer me up.

Forget cheering me up: I can hardly stomach some of the things I used to like.

I don't have the patience or the focus for it.

Trying to get back to the routine this week.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Just Kill Me

There is no relief.

It's objectively great that same-sex marriage is legal across the country, but I don't want to hear about people being in love and getting married.

Walk outside, listen to a podcast, watch television, click through my regular internet sites. Everything is a reminder of HER. The loss.

Couples. Children. Marriages. Sex. Relationships. One of the Gawker sites recently had a puff piece about aerial photographs of popular neighborhoods in NYC and L.A., and the top photo was of HER fucking neighborhood. AKA, the place I will never go again.

There is no relief. From the memories. The good and the bad. All the promises that were made and broken.

There is absolutely nothing I could have done and yet I still can't help but internalize this rejection. It has been corrosive these past two weeks.

I start my new gig on Thursday. Need to get back on track, in all ways. I have been killing myself. I need to just start picking up the pieces.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Aeris: Dream Cult

I went to church about two weeks ago. On the Upper East Side. With devout friends.

I've been an agnostic for most of my life but this is the kind of thing you do when you're scrambling for something to hold onto during a bleak time. Churches thrive on people like me. Desperate people in desperate times, desperately seeking any sign of hope.

It was not helpful. I felt and found no hope. I was falling asleep. I was not reeled in, as much as I wanted to be. I even emailed the pastor later that day, giving him the opportunity to tailor a lure for me. He responded thoughtfully but still, nothing worked for me.

Sometime last night, during a marathon of sleep that's become all too common during this bleak downtime between gigs, I dreamed that I agreed to join a church called "Aeris".

I don't know why it was called "Aeris".


"Aeris" was the name of this character from Final Fantasy VII that was renamed "Aerith" later. She perishes saving the world, but I only know that by looking it up.

In the dreams, a lot of people in my life are devout members of the Aeris church. All the details are blurred now. I don't recall the specifics of the belief system or ever actually being in a church. I just remember the feeling of having made a mistake by joining. At the same time, hoping that maybe it could help me yet.

This has been a really tough two weeks. Not just dealing with the breakup — with the lost... the utterly butchering vivisection of that dream... but taking a deeper, longer look at the emptiness of my life at this stage. 90% of my friends have kids, 98% have significant others. People with homes and careers and families. And I have... a blog I can't even bring myself to update as regularly as I used to.

I have not been well. I am starting a new job with complete strangers on Thursday and I need to pull myself together.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Widow Forever


need to slow down the drinking. i'm not working so i have the luxury of being a disgusting mess right now but i need to normalize.

cleaned up my roommate's cat's litter box this morn, which i'd been meaning to do since he left on a trip over a week ago. washed her crusty food dish. i'm usually the one who takes the better care of her but i've been shit.

can't stop thinking about the girl. ex-fiancee. ex-girlfriend. ex-friend. i hate her. i miss her. i think about texting her and apologizing for all the mean shit i sent to her on monday. she fucking deserved it but i can't help but hurt at the thought that i hurt someone i loved so much. i have these flashbacks to all the good times.

and all the bad times.

post traumatic stress. the laundry list of shit that reminds me of her. flowers. Adventure Time. the fucking Schreiber boys. hospital scrubs. bonding with her son.

i've known for weeks. maybe months. that this relationship couldn't be sustained. it's frustrating to me that i can't just bounce back from this.

i just want my headspace back.

it's before 8am. nursing a drink. need to slow down the drinking but it does calm me for little while.

i'm angry. i'm sad.

i've texted and emailed so many people about my emotional state over the past week. it helps and it doesn't.

it's wednesday. i need to stretch my legs today.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Death of a dream

Reconnected with an old friend at my birthday this year. We quickly dove into what would become the second longest relationship of my awful love history.

I dreamed of building a life with this person. Building a family. Dreams that she initiated.

It all fell apart today. Over text messages.

Too stunned to do much of anything.

I feel numb and sick.

It's over.