Tuesday, May 12, 2015

All Your Favorite Shows!

All Your Favorite Shows! from ornana on Vimeo.

This is amazing.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Dayplayers

Here's to all the moms, old and new.

My world's looking a lot more optimistic. Relationship's in a more solid state. We're at about four months -- do we subtract the "time-out" month? Regardless, it's still the longest relationship I've had in a decade. The future seems on track again.

And we've got all this lovely Sunday night television to look forward to tonight!

Saturday, May 02, 2015

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top

May 2, 2015.

I'd bought a ticket to see AVENGERS 2 this morning. Instead, I had the movie ticket transferred to the next day... so I could meet her kid for the first time.

What did I see instead of AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON this Saturday morning...?

It was hosted by a guy who plays an opium den owner in the show I've been working on. It was NOT good. I mean, it might be dismissed as fine for "children's theater" -- but I do not accept that. I don't accept that children's theater has to be this clumsy. I have zero experience with children's theater and I know I could do a better job of it than what this was. But I wasn't there to be a critic or to take on some new wild goose chase vocational calling.

When I arrived at the theater to buy my ticket, the box office girl asked if I was a performer. YOU WISH, I thought. YOU WOULD BE LUCKY IF I WAS A GODDAMN PERFORMER.

Some sparks ignited in my head, watching the show. Old competitive feelings of wanting to do a better job than what these jabronies were doing.

But this was about meeting The Kid.

And he totally took to me.

We saw the show. We had icy drinks at a bubble tea house. We ran around the playground at Union Square as a Canabis Event was being staged. Tossed around a beach ball on a grassy field on the West Side. Had a stroll and a snack on the High Line. And at the end of the day, I helped tuck him into bed and read bedtime stories. It was a perfect day. The kid adored me. If this were a job interview, I nailed it.

Things are looking better. The future. We hit a little turbulence there but we survived.

What happens from here? I don't know. But I think I can start to breathe a little easier again.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015


Humpday. Three days before I hop a plane for Florida to visit family. Feeling fragmented. In some ways, feeling a little easier that this month-long "time-out" is almost over. But then there is the endless uncertainty of what comes next. Still don't know when I get to see her again. This has been a month in limbo and it's been exhausting. And not nearly as fun or productive as I'd planned or hoped.

I have managed to set up my computer further. Photoshop, Premiere, After Effects. It has been years since I've used AE. I recall, that was the most difficult one to learn. But I did manage to teach myself how to do some things in it back in the day... but that was years ago now. I'll be looking at YouTube tutorials in the near future. All tools to get my creativity flowing again. Malice trying to get his groove back.

I have come to hate Facebook in new and ugly ways. It is a torture device, showing you the most victorious snapshots of other people's lives. PEOPLE YOU KNOW. PEOPLE YOU USED TO KNOW. PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW. "This is what I'm doing -- what the fuck have YOU done?" None of this is new. Except it's heightened when you're in the dark and obsessed with searching for clues to your fate. It is pointless exercise in self-harm.


Month's almost over. All of this is going to get easier soon.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Infinite Malice

I am writing this blog entry from a computer that I built from parts.

That's not entirely true. I mostly watched and lightly assisted as my friend built the machine for me and set it up over the course of 11 hours, Saturday afternoon into night.

As of right now, I'm still wrestling with the black monolith (which is entirely too big for my cramped desk space). To facilitate transferring files (like my iTunes library), I attempted to install my old hard drive in my new machine -- after my friend left. Naturally, this did not work and I'm dealing with the aftermath while I wait for my friend to wake up and respond to my text.

I know this will all get worked out eventually. This thing is fast as hell -- spent enough on parts that it ought to be -- and staying indoors and building it during a day with the nicest weather we've seen all year... it was a good distraction.

It's weird. I was feeling much better about my situation last week and now I'm feeling a lot of uncertainty again. I can't help but feel a sense of dread. It's hard to enjoy anything with this feeling.

In a week, I leave for Florida for five days. I don't know what I'm leaving behind and I don't know what I'm returning to.

Taking a break from this computer business right now. Gonna treat myself to a brunch with as many vodka sodas as I can drink in 90 minutes.