Discipline

If I could get through 4 index cards a day, I could finish my script by Friday. A script I've been working on since January. A script I should've had a completed draft of months ago. A script that my reps probably doubt even exists at this point...

4 index cards a day.

Tuesday's score: half an index card. It's one of the bigger cards, though.

Reclusive

There are some times when I just need to retreat from the world.

Life is just a Hayride (and Hayrides weren't meant to last)

Hullo, Hallo. I suppose some of you are expecting some account of this mysterious trip I went on last week. Alas, no. Not here. Not now. This blog survives upon my whims, after all, and that's not what I'm compelled to write about right now...

No. Today, we're taking a detour and I'm going to write about what I normally don't write about here: the script I'm currently writing.

HAYRIDE.

Completely original. Not suggested by any producer, nor based on any play, book, foreign film, 80s horror film, YA or graphic novel.

I've been kicking this one around for far too long but I am finally making some real progress on it. I'm talking point-of-no-return progress. (That elusive point at which you've moved beyond the exciting opening moments of CREATIVE IMPULSE, and you begin to dig deeper into the soil.)

Let me preface this by answering that YES, I've been drinking—how do you expect me to possibly keep up with this blog if I weren't drinking?!—but that said...

"HAYRIDE" is the script that's going to kill "THE BUTCHERHOUSE CHRONICLES".

Or rather, it needs to be. It's what my goal is. And I don't think it's necessarily a difficult goal.

I wrote "The Butcherhouse Chronicles" as a stage play, and it honestly was only supposed to be a stage play (despite what the cynics may think, I didn't write it as bait for a screenwriting career). I adapted it into a screenplay for Paramount and I don't even know what it looks like anymore because they eventually hired a produced-screenwriter to do a rewrite on it, but that's neither here nor there.

"Hayride" is an original screenplay. Starting life as a screenplay, not an adaptation. I've done all my prep work: sketched out an outline and major character bios and the deeper meaning and all that shite.

The process of writing it (on spec) is always its own journey. Filled, variously, with hope, excitement, setbacks, self-doubt, self-aggrandizing... and ultimately sheer pig-headed determination...

But I am cautiously excited about it right now.

The trick is having an outline but not being afraid to stray from it. This may sound completely pretentious but the story begins to take on its own life and tells you what needs to happen. This script has genuinely surprised me as I've progressed in carving it out. Seeing where it goes and what the characters have chosen to do. I know that might sound completely batty to some of you—worthy of parody and ridicule—but these character take on a life of their own if you give them the allowance.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

You are just going to have to trust me. This MEANS something to me.

Lest We Forget: Ice-T's Dick Tracy Track

Everyone loves when scary gangsta rappers cross over into mainstream pop culture fare, right? (Witness the ubiquitous Snoop Dogg and his latest love letter to HBO's TRUE BLOOD.)

Time to take a look back at slightly more forgettable summer blockbuster fare... today we remember Warren Beatty's heavily-hyped DICK TRACY motion picture.

It featured a score by Danny Elfman, several musical numbers written by Stephen Sondheim and sung by Madonna and Mandy Patinkin. Oh, and somewhere along the way, Ice-T contributed his own ode to one of the most forgotten summer blockbuster event movies in recent memory...



Makes me wistful for Prince's BATMAN album...



(Or not.)

The Tale of Pigboy and the Masters of the Universe

In the mid-80s, Mattel ran a contest where the winner would get a role in the upcoming HE-MAN movie.

The movie would be called MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (MOTU). Produced by purveyors of quality GOLAN-GLOBUS, the movie strays dramatically from the narrative of the original cartoon with most of the action taking place in modern day (mid-80s) Earth as opposed to the mystical Eternia. Not unlike the TRANSFORMERS movies, the Masters of the Universe gang ends up hanging out with some young American teens, giving us the perfect way into the story. (In MOTU, Courtney Cox plays Shia LaBeouf.)

The original idea was actually to have the film set on Eternia throughout and be much more faithful to the cartoon... but, as mentioned, this was a Golan-Globus production. For budgetary reasons the script was changed to have it set on Earth and reduce the amount of sets and strange characters they would need to create.

The production ended up being a rushed affair and yet director Gary Goddard was required to squeeze in the winner of Mattel's contest...

And thus the winner—third grader Richard Szponder—ended up appearing in heavy makeup as the character of "Pigboy". In his one brief shining moment of glory, he gets to hand Skeletor his staff when he returns from Earth.


An interview with Szponder about his experience HERE.

History of Improv in Cinema

I think that someone should write an article about the history of improv in cinema. Not me, necessarily. I'd just like to read it. Or, you know, skim it.

All right, I'll write just a little.

Improv in movies is theoretically the enemy of screenwriters. Actors straying from the written words during takes: embellishing, riffing, rewriting entirely. Sometimes actors (or their people) like to wrest even more from the screenwriter(s) by publicly taking credit for whatever excellent, quotable line they improved in a particular scene. (I came up with the idea to say "Fuck you!" right on the spot. It totally wasn't in the script.)

But that's small-scale improv. Judd Apatow has built an empire out of assembling casts that can riff really well on the spot.

Then there's the larger-scale improv where it's more of the meat of the body.

Wiki excerpt:

The director Mike Leigh uses lengthy improvisations developed over a period of weeks to build characters and story lines for his films. He starts with some sketch ideas of how he thinks things might develop but does not reveal all his intentions with the cast who discover their fate and act out their responses as their destinies are gradually revealed, including significant aspects of their lives which will not subsequently be shown onscreen. The final filming draws on dialogue and actions that have been recorded during the improvisation period.

The old school method of incorporating improv into film is by conducting improvisations with actors during a rehearsal period and putting that material into a shooting script. Saves time and film during the production.

But these days, shooting digitally has significantly cut down on the basic cost of "film". Filmmakers are freer to burn more raw footage which enables them to shoot more "live improv". I think this is one of the reasons we're seeing more improv heavy films in recent years. Indie film CYRUS has been getting some great notices and it's largely improv.

(I did not much care for the Duplass brothers' mumblecore deconstruction of the slasher in BAGHEAD but I'm interested in what they do.)

In television, of course, you've got CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. That show is entirely improvised and yet very sharply plotted. Larry David writes a very detailed outline which maps out what needs to get said and done in each scene. When they're shooting, the actors can say whatever they want as long as they hit upon their key plot points.

Obviously, comedy improv has deep roots in awful live theater. The theoretical charm is seeing something remarkably spontaneous and surprising—comic performers being inventive with some very challenging, incongruous "prompts" from the audience. More often than not, it's resembles watching people committing suicide.

Okay, I don't want to write this article. If someone else could do it, please chronicle the history of improv in drama, from live theater to radio/tv/film. The different ways it's been used in comedy and drama. And there should be a section that talks about how technology has affected the implementation of improv over the years. There might even be enough information for a book. (Maybe someone's already written it...?)

Maria Ozawa Admiration Society

I share a birthday with Maria Ozawa. She is precisely 10 years younger than me (born January 8, 1986) and about my height.

Her mother is Japanese and her father is French-Canadian.

Her first language is Japanese but she attended an international school from primary school to high school and claims that her English reading and writing ability is better than her Japanese.

She prefers to date Asian men.

She enjoys cooking, and playing videogames, and watching movies at home.

Superficially, she looks like she'd be the ideal trophy girlfriend or wife.

She looks like she should be hosting TOP CHEF ASIA or some Travel Channel program.

Maria Ozawa is what I would call "too pretty for porn". And yet, porn is her trade.

Hardcore pornography.

Debasing pornography, the likes of which top American pornstars would probably shy away from.

The phrase "too pretty for porn" is probably outdated by now because the porn industry has come a long way from the early days of "Deep Throat" and "Debbie Does Dallas". In those early days of the porn industry, it was harder to get really pretty girls to participate in stag films. These days, there's no line and there's no limit.

Like Sasha Grey, there is something unique girlfriendable about Maria Ozawa. Even after I've seen her perform in some of the most depraved acts, I still find something uniquely sweet about her.

The arrow goes straight through my heart. Without her everything just falls apart.

And I want one...


Some of these pictures were culled from here.

Some bio info culled from here.

Sons of Litigation

Chuck Zito, former OZ star and (self-proclaimed) former president of New York chapter of the Hells Angels, is suing FX claiming that "Sons of Anarchy" is based on an idea he pitched to the cable network 6 years ago.

"Sons of Anarchy" creator Kurt Sutter lashed back on his blog:

Here's the problem with his plan. When it comes to parting with cash, there's one badass outlaw that makes Zita look like a pussy -- his name is Rupert, and Rupe don't sway. Trust me, Chucky could firebomb our lot and Fox wouldn't fork over a fucking dime to this guy. That's why I love them... my parent company is as stubborn and aggressive as I am.

So here's my bi-monthly reminder to every delusional bitch who thinks that they've come up with the idea for SOA --

HAVING THE FUCKING IDEA IS NOT THE SHOW. THERE HAVE BEEN DOZENS OF OUTLAW MOTORCYCLE TV DRAMAS PITCHED IN THE LAST TEN YEARS. NONE OF THEM HAS MADE IT TO SERIES, EXCEPT SOA. BECAUSE THEY SUCKED. The same way there were dozens of mob family pitches before the Sopranos and crime scene pitches before CSI.

Found through Deadline Hollywood.

The Obnoxious Backlash Against Obama

The BP oil spill is the worst environmental disaster this country's ever suffered. And the talking heads on the 24-hour news cycle have been harshly criticizing President Obama—before and after his presidential address last week. And these are the liberal talking heads.

He's not emotional enough. He's not angry enough. He should be getting his picture taken at the site of the spill, personally tending to the clean-up.

What level of public theater does this country really fucking need?

Excerpt from this SLATE article titled "Presidential Anger Management":

While no one has yet discovered a way to plug the BP oil leak, each day does bring the discovery of yet another fundamental character defect that explains President Obama's helplessness. He's not emotional enough. He lacks crisis experience. He is insufficiently creative. With the leak likely to last into the summer, before long it will be blamed on Obama's bad penmanship or his skinny legs.

The one question we'll always be able to ask, fortunately, is whether the president is sufficiently angry. In the daily temperature reading that has become the White House press briefing, spokesman Robert Gibbs once again addressed the president's temper. "Our point is not to feign, through method acting, anger at what environmental and economic damage has been wrought by this disaster. That wasn't going to fill a hole. That wasn't going to put money in the bank account of a shrimper that's not fishing. That's not going to help a hotel worker or a hotel owner on a beach in Florida."

It's really discouraging to me how much hand-holding the general public seems to demand.

Excerpt from a GAWKER article posted after the presidential address:

But what of today's White House agreement with BP for it to set up a $20 billion, independent escrow fund to pay claims, cancel its dividends for at least the rest of 2010, and set up another fund compensating oil workers for lost wages? (And that $20 billion is not a cap, either — it can, and probably will, go up.) Those seem like pretty strong results and displays of leadership! BP probably wouldn't have conceded its hand like this, either, if it thought the White House wouldn't try more aggressive legal ways of getting them to pay up were they to refuse.

This fund is going to help many, many people along the Gulf Coast, immediately. That doesn't change the fact that Barack Obama doesn't "act angrily," like a clown, for the personal amusement of pundits, but it's something.

This just in:

Obama To Make Reassuring Eye Contact With Every Last American.

The People Who Care If I Live or Die

Monday through Wednesday, I ought to be away on a trip that I probably shouldn't be going on for any number of reasons.

Will I return from this mysterious trip unscathed?

Thankfully, I'm wasting time preblogging entries for all of you curious rubberneckers, so it should appear that this blog isn't dormant.

Fatherless Day

Just watched John Hillcoat's adaption of THE ROAD. I really didn't plan to watch it on "Father's Day"—I didn't realize it was such a father-son movie. Depressing as hell but I thought it was really moving. Some gorgeous imagery and filmmaking.

My father has no idea who I am. And yet, he loves and misses me. I guess that's something biological. How do you miss someone you barely know?

Well, time to send him a half-assed Father's Day email. I considered calling but I hate these bullshit Hallmark days. It's not like I've got anything to say, either way. If my pop and I were stranded in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, we'd last about 30 seconds.

The Bunny Incident

For those of you not actively following cartoonist James Sturm's chronicle of his self-imposed offline odyssey, his latest entry is a good one.

Excerpt:

There were plenty of people who expressed doubt that I could successfully give up the Web. "Four months is a loooong time—think you can last even half that long?" said a friend. "You will cheat," said another. But after two months of being offline I had no doubt I could go the distance. Shows what I know. Last week, I spent 30 minutes online. It all started with the bunnies...

I highly recommend reading the full entry HERE.

(If Nick Gaffney is reading this on his goddamn iPad, I am talking to you.)

Do You Know What's In Your Tuna?

There may not be any dolphin meat in your canned tuna, but there may be something more toxic...

I don't want to pull a Jeremy Piven on all you people here, but you might want to reconsider how much tuna you and your family consume.

At the risk of being overly-alarmist based upon a documentary I just rented from NetFlix, but The Cove took me by surprise. Not just because of what's happening to dolphins in this tiny cove in Japan but because I didn't realize that there are high levels of mercury present in a lot of the fish you can buy canned in supermarket aisles or prepared in the finest sushi restaurants.

Some excerpts clipped from the EPA:

What is mercury and methylmercury?

Mercury occurs naturally in the environment and can also be released into the air through industrial pollution. Mercury falls from the air and can accumulate in streams and oceans and is turned into methylmercury in the water. It is this type of mercury that can be harmful to your unborn baby and young child. Fish absorb the methylmercury as they feed in these waters and so it builds up in them. It builds up more in some types of fish and shellfish than others, depending on what the fish eat, which is why the levels vary.

Is there methylmercury in all fish and shellfish?

Nearly all fish and shellfish contain traces of methylmercury. However, larger fish that have lived longer have the highest levels of methylmercury because they've had more time to accumulate it. These large fish (swordfish, shark, king mackerel and tilefish) pose the greatest risk. Other types of fish and shellfish may be eaten in the amounts recommended by FDA and EPA.

It's POISON, people!!!

Okay. It led to an epidemic of birth defects in a small village in Japan a while back. The Japanese government orchestrated a massive cover-up. Like so many of these things, it's hard to say what the real long-term effect is if you're consuming a steady stream of mercury over X number of years... but it's worth taking a step back and considering.

I've actually been eating more tuna for the past few weeks because it's high in protein. Looks like I'm going to be cutting back...

I Got Brick Technology

Thursday afternoon, the hand-me-down 30GB 3rd-Gen iPod that I've been using as a replacement since I moronically lost my last iPod back in September bricked out on me right in the middle of a workout. It's done this before but I think this time it's permanently bricked. Apple isn't really known for technology that lasts a long time. No heroic measures. I've got 30 gigs of toast.

So, what have I got to get me through those hour-long slogs on elliptical machines? The planes, trains and automobile rides?

A very slow version of Pandora on my Blackberry and a 4GB 1st-Gen iPod Nano.

I desperately want to get a new iPod but I can't justify the cost right now.

Excerpt from Malice Highload's 2023 autobiography "Breaking Badly: My Life in Crime":

That's when I decided to set up the meth lab in The Tomb...

Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two'

SEATTLE–After a decade of aggressive expansion throughout North America and abroad, Starbucks suddenly and unexpectedly closed its 2,870 worldwide locations Monday to prepare for what company insiders are calling "Phase Two" of the company's long-range plan.

"Starbucks has completed the coffee-distribution and location establishment phase of its operation, and is now ready to move into Phase Two," read a statement from Cynthia Vahlkamp, Starbucks' chief marketing officer. "We have enjoyed furnishing you with coffee-related beverages and are excited about the important role you play in our future plans. Please pardon the inconvenience while we fortify the second wave of our corporate strategy."

Though the coffee chain's specific plans are not known, existing Starbucks franchises across the nation have been locked down with titanium shutters across all windows. In each coffee shop's door hangs the familiar Starbucks logo, slightly altered to present the familiar mermaid figure as a cyclopean mermaid whose all-seeing eye forms the apex of a world-spanning pyramid.

Full article @ THE ONION

Papa Paparazzi

There's a fascinating documentary you can watch on HBO right now called "Smash His Camera", debating the merits of the career of pioneering celebrity photojournalist Ron Galella.

It chronicles the litigious relationship he had with his favorite subject, Jackie Onassis. The curious thing is that his photos of her seem to document his deep affection for her, supported by the way he still talks about her fondly.

What makes the documentary more interesting is that it questions the validity of Ron's art—even further ruminates on the art of photography itself.

I'm going to butcher/paraphrase a quote from the documentary: "Anyone can be a competent photographer... people are only interested in Ron's photographs because of his subjects."

I hate the paparazzi. I dislike the basic idea of people taking pictures of you when you don't want them to. And the lengths some of these people will go to get their shots is stomach-churning.

But I've got to say... Galella's taken some amazing photographs, particularly in the 70s and 80s, documenting a period of time that's fascinating to me. Candid images you couldn't get from a traditional photo shoot.




Roger Ebert on "Smash His Camera"

Breaking Badly

The 3rd season finale of AMC's best-show-on-tv BREAKING BAD aired on Sunday.

I thought it was going to be a two-hour finale but it turns out that the sneaky programming folks @ AMC attached the pilot of their new hope RUBICON to the end. So I was doubly shocked when the finale ended abruptly with 50 minutes left on the DVR'ed program.

Hey, I was gonna give that show a chance anyway, assholes -- you didn't need to TRICK me...

Here's a post-finale interview with showrunner Vince Gilligan, for those interested.

Apple IIe

I used an Apple IIc up through my freshman year in college, 1993-1994. Who says I've got no affection for Apple?

I love how much this old Apple IIe's disk drive screams when it's in use.

Feud Wars!!!

When the Travel Channel's "Food Wars" debuted earlier this year, it appeared to be a way to re-profile regional foodie feuds that the Travel Channel's own "Man vs. Food" had already covered. Albeit with a hottie host in the form of tomboy push-up-champ hardbody Camille Ford. A new hit was born.

Last week, I stumbled upon a new pilot on The Food Network called "Food Feuds", with chef Michael Symon as a host.

"Food Feuds" with Michael Symon
has the EXACT SAME PREMISE as
"Food Wars" with Camille Ford.
What's worse, Symon's Feuds pilot features one rivalry that Wars has already covered (the Chicago Italian-beef sandwich war between Al's #1 Italian Beef and Mr. Beef) and another rivalry that Wars is scheduled to cover (the Detroit hot dog war between American Coney Island and Lafayette Coney Island). [It should also be noted that "Man vs. Food" has already covered both rivalries—exactly how much food pornography do we really need???]

A quick search online yielded very few articles on this peculiar blunder.

Stuart from WannabeTVchef.com wrote about it HERE.

Greg Morabito from Eater.com wrote about it HERE.

The dearth of online coverage and the fact that the Food Network hasn't created a page for the show on their website indicates that Chef Symon's "Food Feuds" may just be a stand-alone pilot that will not progress into a series. (I'm hoping it won't.)

The appeal of the shows, theoretically, is seeing these long-time food rivalries settled "once and for all" by some definitive contest.

In Camille Ford's Wars, it's settled by a blindfolded taste test with a panel of judges representing both sides

In Michael Symon's Feuds, it's settled by Chef Symon himself. He hits TWO rivalries in the pilot:

For the Italian-beef sammich war, he passed his judgment without a blindfold, offering unique praise to each sammich before arbitrarily granting the win to Al's Beef just because it was around longer. (In Ford's Wars, Mr. Beef won. So much for settling things once and for all!) For the hot dog war, Symon passed his judgment based on a blindfolded taste test. (He chose American as the winner.)

MY VERDICT:
Feuds offers the same premise as Wars with a far more dubious judging method and far less eye candy in its host.

I mainly watch these kinds of shows to watch people stuffing their fool faces with food I may never get to try. (The secondary appeal is watching TV crushes eat food.)

That said, "FOOD WARS" with Camille Ford wins.

Camille—sweet, sweet girlfriendable Camille—is like the way hotter younger cousin of Rachael Ray. Her just-one-of-the-guys routine fits well with the sport-rivalry premise of the show. The show's ultimately just another way to re- profile food spots that a growing number of other shows have already thoroughly profiled... but whaddaya gonna do? It's food television. And Chef Symon's not bringing any advantages to the formula here. (Now get back inna kitchen and fry me some brussell sprouts, Symon!!!)

Here are some more pictures of Camille Ford because it's my blog and I do whatever I want with it:









Fun Facts about Camille Ford

Interview with Camille Ford about FOOD WARS

ANOTHER interview with Camille Ford about FOOD WARS

Saturday Morning Versus

Delightful adverts for some Russian snackie thing. No translation required.

SUPER MARIO VS. PAC-MAN!


CONTRA VS. TETRIS!


NEO VS. LUKE SKYWALKER!


ARTIST VS. DEVIL!


Bonus...

"An enterprising individual in Japan spent hours after school for a little over three weeks to do something very important: bring you this clip."
KOTAKU

Jenny Story

Three-year-old Alex Voutsinas rolled down a Disney World sidewalk in his stroller, oblivious to his future wife—the then-5-year-old Donna—posing with Mr. Smee mere yards away. When they found the picture decades later, and "it just blew our minds."

Full story HERE.

"Write the Future"

Nike have stolen my personal mantra as a marketing slogan and hired Oscar-nominated filmmaker Alejandro González Iñárritu to direct this incredibly ambitious commercial to illustrate the point. I personally know nothing of futbol but it's still pretty impressive.

This glowing review of the advert helps to break it down further, with more background information. Excerpt:

Only Nike has the juice to throw together this sort of multi-sphere star power and then buff the production values to such a glitzy sheen. The ad took a year of creative gestation from Nike's genius ad agency, Wieden + Kennedy, followed by three months of camerawork and editing. It was filmed in locations including England, Spain, Italy, and Kenya. While Nike won't disclose its budget, I would not be surprised if the cost to make this three-minute spot was on par with the outlay for at least one or two of Iñárritu's feature-length films.

Football Bat

Just now on CNN—

James Carville, reacting to the news that CNN anchor Fareed Zakaria wrote an editorial suggesting that the administration is *overreacting* to the BP oil spill, said:

"When I read that, I wanted to hit him with a football bat!"

Okay, I don't really know sports too well but I've been trying to learn how the game of football is played and I've never heard of a football bat. Could he be talking about soccer?

[UPDATE]

"football bat":

Army slang, meaning "severely fucked up". Used in the context of comparison.

This Guy Can Speak My Parents' Language Better Than I Ever Will

Pacific Rims - Book reading by author: Rafe Bartholomew from Josephus Tudtud on Vimeo.

Pacific Rims is a journey into the world of Philippine basketball. From street corner games played by flip-flop-clad teenagers, where the losers buy RC Cola and plastic sachets of “Happy” Peanuts for the winners, to the country's professional league, the Philippine Basketball Association, no people in the world love the game like Filipinos. I spent three years following the Philippine game, studying its roots, recording the stories of its former and current greats, and sweating my way through daily pick-up battles. The nation's passion was sometimes irrational, often impressive and always inspiring.

United States of Eurasia

I like Muse's track "United States of Eurasia":

It sounds like a song that Queen might have composed for INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM—with lyrics by George Orwell.

Doesn't get much more batshit than that!

Every Day is Exactly the Same

This is sort of interesting: apparently a lot of shows have been using the exact same prop newspaper over the years.

You can jump directly to screen cap evidence HERE.

Disney World's Bummer in the Summer

My mom–the mother of Malice—is escorting a vanful of our Texas relatives to Disney World this week. Of course, she does not care for rides so she does not intend to go on any if she can help it.

Imagine, for a moment, enduring the worst aspects of Disney World (the heat/humidity, the crowds, the lines, the waiting) without enjoying the saving grace of the actual rides.

I really don't understand anyone in my family.

Aside from that, do you know how difficult it was to find a picture of an unhappy family at Disney World to accompany this entry? I swear, my old childhood family albums must be filled with pictures of my fucking family frowning through vacation shots. (The candid camera at Splash Mountain would capture all of us with folded arms, pouting in different directions.)

I guess people don't like to upload and share their unhappy family pictures. I eventually found the above photo HERE but I think this one's the best of the lot. (If you're looking to waste a bit more time, peruse the paradise at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.)

Someone's got to start a tumblr page with unhappy family pictures at Disney World. Just putting that out there.

Since my blood is down in Disney World without me this week—

If I could instantly ride any 3 rides from the history of Disney World, today they'd be:
1) The Pirate Ride
2) The Great Movie Ride
3) The Everest Ride

Cruel Summer (for House Cats)

It was so hot and humid over the weekend and The Tomb was a virtual oven. The cat was just lying sprawled on the floor for most of it. Every so often, I would prod her to make sure she was still among the living.

It's these moments that remind me that I'm responsible for the life of this creature. I am officially a fucking pet-owner. At least for the stretches when both roommates are away. The accidental pet-owner.

Eventually, I ended up rubbing her down with an ice cube to try to cool her out. Surprisingly, she let me do this without starting a fight. And I think her stinky hair benefited from the ice-wash.

Crisis averted. Next up for me: fatherhood.

Former Coworkers Getting Paid

See the clerk in this commercial? I'm pretty sure he used to work @ Bear Stearns with me. In fact, when he got let go, I think he managed to send out a company-wide email that basically said, "Eff you, everybody!"

(Oh, there were repercussions.)

Now he's in mainstream, nationwide commercials that air during MTV MOVIE AWARDS.

Breaking Bad is Quite Simply the Best Thing Ever Made

It really puts everything else to shame right now. It's bloody embarrassing.

I can't believe I got to it so late.

This isn't a case of a show that asks you to hold out for the big finale. It rewards you with every single episode. Imagine that.

That last episode? The ending? Madonn'...

Vietnam Veterans of America

Need to donate a bunch of old clothes or things of the such? No clear options in your vicinity?

The Vietnam Veterans of America will pick up your shit.

I just got rid of a bunch of things that had been taking up space in The Tomb. Bags of old clothes. Some corpses of former roommates. It's remarkable how it opens up the place.

You can schedule a pick-up online today.

The Slut Crisis

VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill

Ben Linus has always been deceitful

Saturday Morning Videos: Ducktales!

Portrait of How I Waste Time

All right, I wasted too much time on this to throw it all away, so now you have to fucking read it.

I saw this poll on Coming Soon asking people to rate LOST, with a breakdown of how people voted:

Alas, I worked in a presentation center for over 6 years (oh!, the memories!), and I didn't think a simple vertical bar chart was the best graph to illustrate the data.

So, instead of doing something constructive and practical with my time, I opened up Excel and began playing with the numbers. Since this deals with percentages, the most obvious graph would be a pie chart:

A circle represents 100%. Easy for anyone to read and understand at a glance. A pie chart is one of the most simple and elegant graphs there are. If you're looking for a crowd-pleasing graph, you can't get much better than a pie chart. Everybody loves a fucking pie chart, man.

From this chart, you might say, "Well, clearly a majority of people liked LOST as a whole." I took some poetic license with the graph and translated the numbers into terms, where "10"="Loved it!" and "0"="Piece of shit." By this logic, even if we throw out "6"/"OK." as too low, "Pretty good!" to "Loved it!" is still a good majority of the opinion here.

But let's try another graph to see what the same data looks like.

Bubble charts are less often used and can be a bit of a pain in the ass to create, depending on what you want to do with them. The data's a bit more complicated and this one isn't exactly set up properly but you get the general idea: bubble sizes here correlate to the number of votes.

Here, the "Piece of shit" bubble looks like it could nearly burst the "Loved it" bubble.

Yes, I'm spinning and manipulating the data using different graphs and colors.

The ending of LOST sullied the entire series for me. I think I may have made this point.

Beyond that, I just felt compelled to waste some valuable time this afternoon.

Namaste.

Ever After

SHREK is killing your children and you.

Sort of:

McDonald's Corp. is recalling 12 million glasses sold as a promotional tie-in to the latest "Shrek" movie because they contain the toxic metal cadmium.

In other news on mediocrity, LENO's TONIGHT SHOW IS DOING NO BETTER THAN CONAN'S.

In Defense of Piracy

This is old but I've been meaning to post it for a while.

Excerpt from Peter Serafinowicz's article "Why I Steal Movies… Even Ones I'm In":

Like a billion other people, I download things illegally. I'm also an actor, writer and director whose income depends on revenue from DVDs, movies and books. This leads to many conflicts in my head, in my heart, and in bars.

Read full article HERE.

Rue McClanahan Has a Posse

Rue McClanahan
February 21, 1934 – June 3, 2010
Rue McClanahan has a posse.

The triptych is complete. Next round.

It would appear that Betty White is the last Golden Girl standing. How convenient...! Coincidence? (No.)

The truth is out there.