Fuck

I just looked at my pack of cigarettes and it says on the label that smoking causes lung cancer! Um... what the fuck!? Is this new? Could SOMEONE have told me this eight years ago...?

The Truth About Nick Gaffney (Part 1)

Thank god it's Thursday, y'all!

(Though we all know that "god" is just a faerie tale that parents tell to scare the shit out of little kids...)

Guess what I'm doing this weekend?? I'M WRITING!!! Jealous? Well, you shouldn't be, because I'm a terrible writer and I fucking hate doing it! HELLS YEAH!

You know what else I've got lined up for this weekend? FUCKING NOTHING!!! Can I get a "whoop whoop"...?

And yet, with nothing to look forward to, I cannot wait for this day-job work week to be over. It's one of the mysteries of life. Salamy-eggs-and-bacon, my brotha.

Salamy, eggs and bacon.

I call a SHUFFLED 5!!!
1. There Was a Time, "Chinese Democracy", Guns N' Roses
2. Dreaming of the Queen, "Very", Pet Shop Boys
3. I Don't Sleep, I Dream, "Monster", R.E.M.
4. We Float, "Stories From the City, Stories from the Sea", PJ Harvey
5. Luna, "Siamese Dream", Smashing Pumpkins

Practical FX

I'm impressed with "FX". First, it granted me "The Shield" and now it's gifted me with "Thief". I'm an episode behind but I'm really enjoying it and I'd forgotten how good Andre Braugher is. He's my ONE-TO-WATCH of the day!

I think it's so cool that they created a TV channel based on an old Bryan Brown movie. Somewhere, someone is developing the Gotcha! Network... and America is eagerly awaiting to watch... because they just weren't ready for that movie...

I can't wait for FOX's newest station, "F". I think it should feature hardcore sex and violence. And then they can launch "X", which should just be snuff films.

Well, those're my jokes for the day, kiddies!

I know that I spend a disproportionate amount of time writing my blog, but it gets me through my workday mourning. And anything to keep the engine running helps me. And I needs all the helps I can gets.

[Everybody Wants Some!]

Please read about this guy's search for the Camaro from the classic movie BETTER OFF DEAD!

Thanks to J/Goose. (Who hates that movie, but forwarded this to me anyway...)

For the Love of Tuesday

Last night, I looked at a rough play outline I composed a few months ago. A new play. Rather, a play I've been kicking around for 5 years that I've never gotten serious with. I was pretty pleased with this outline a few months ago. Now, it looks like a bit of a lot of crap. Tee hee!

I hate being a lousy writer. Everytime I think I'm okay, I get reminded of what a bad writer I am; a bad writer who tries very hard NOT to be a bad writer. But people can see through it. So I just need to make more of an effort.

Voice in Malice's head:
You're a bad writer and nobody likes you and you're ugly and everybody hates you and you don't know what you're doing and nobody wants to be your friend and you're not fooling anyone and you're going to be alone for the rest of your fucking life if you don't change everything right now... and even then, no promises, you human loser!

I need to sleep more. It'll be much easier on my constitution.

Predictably Monday

So, I'm fuckin tired this Monday mourning, what's new...?

I finished writing my second TV pilot late last night. It's just another spec script, but I'm really proud that I'm actually finishing writing things this year. I can actually complete things that I've started! More than one thing in a year. And it's still only April...

I'll spend some time fine-tuning this TV script before diving back into the playwriting. Gotta keep focused, Malice. Gather momentum. Gotta make up for lost time this year...

Smallboy

Okay, as part of my mission to exploit my HD DVR and watch an ungodly amount of television, I started watching SMALLVILLE. So far, I've seen an episode that was a cheesy knock-off of "Flatliners" and I'm now half-watching an episode that's an unapologetic knock-off of "Saw". It's really annoying. This is supposed to be good? You tell the story of a young Superman and you've got to resort to stealing from all these movies?

That Lana Lang's pretty fucking cute, though.

Ooh, look -- it stopped raining! Should I go outside? Maybe a little later... I don't want to leave my TV alone for too long...

M'Alice and Money

I'm stupid. Just checked a receipt from a grocery store trip I took a few days ago and discovered that I spent $17 on a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. Fucking stupid. No wonder those groceries were so expensive. Coz I'm a fucking sucker.

It's raining ALL DAY TODAY. What in the fuck?

Thank Jesus I've got my television to keep me company. Oh, TV: you'll never leave me, will you...?

The Sun is Eclipsed by the Moon

Now that the moon's bigger, my whole family can join me!

Malice has no life on a Saturday night.

Silent Hill is a Place on Earth

Roger Ebert didn't like "Silent Hill".

I rushed out and saw it on my own this afternoon. I didn't like it either. Yet, I still think Ebert's review is a load of bullshit.

I don't cotton to writing movie reviews on this blog. I'm not sure why, I just don't. Maybe it seems too obvious. Who cares what I think about movies? Anyone who read this regularly is just waiting for me to go batshit. Wind him up and there he goes...!

That said, Ebert's so hung up on disparaging videogames as an artistic medium, and he uses the relatively new genre of "videogame adaptations" as an easy target.

First off, videogames *are* an art. I know it appeals to a narrower demographic, but you cannot argue that it isn't an art form. It is unique because it's interactive; it engages the audience/player in a different way. With the advances in technology over the years, it's become a more visually "cinematic" art. Narratives have become more complex; adult, emotional.

Okay, I don't want to get into a big essay on my thoughts on videogames as an art form, because just thinking about it makes me want to go on and on. I'll save that for another time.

My point is, there have been a lot of lousy movies adapted from videogames. But you can't blame it all on the videogames. Blame it on the adaptations. "Pirates of the Caribbean" was a big critical/box-office success -- it earned Johnny Depp his first Oscar nom -- and it was based on a fucking Disneyland ride.

I had my hopes up for "Silent Hill", because I'd played a few of the games and was really taken aback by the atmosphere of the world. It's a game that genuinely got under my skin. The role of "narrative" in videogames has evolved over time, and it's not as important as good gameplay, but I always thought the narratives in the Silent Hill games were uniquely, emotionally adult. In the realm of videogames.

But a videogame is not a movie. There are things in a videogame that you can forgive because it is a videogame. The protagonist doesn't have to be as clearly defined, because YOU are literally the protagonist. You are an integral part of the narrative. Anyone who's watched someone else play a videogame knows how thunderingly boring it can be. Because you're not playing, and thus you're not engaged in the way you're supposed to be. That's one of the clearest differences between a videogame and a movie.

The narratives of the Silent Hill games I've played have all been fairly convoluted. They start off intriguingly, get stranger and stranger, take a moment toward the very end to bluntly explain the arc of the whole story, and then end in a somber epilogue.

That's basically how Rogery Avary's adaptation is structured. The protagonist isn't clearly defined at the beginning. She quickly starts doing too many things that don't make sense. (These two things are immediately forgivable in a videogame context.) The story gets way more complicated than it should be. It's not explained in the most elegant manner. A lot of spooky nothing happens for an interminable amount of time before it gets REMARKABLY GORY for a good while. (I'm sure all the stupid old people who were watching it with me at the afternoon matinee really appreciated that.) I'm not squeamish and I'm probably more desensitized than is healthy, but I actually got a bit turned off by the gore. And yet the final notes of the film are fairly understated; emotional, melancholic, almost beautiful. Those notes would be great if they were earned.

It's certainly not a typical horror movie. (A genre almost as disparaged as videogame-adaptations.) Reminded me a bit of Clive Barker's Hellraiser. No one sets out to make a bad film and the filmmakers were certainly trying to do something ambitious. This ain't quick-buck filmmaking. This could have been a huge win for both Videogame-Adaptations and Horror Films. Alas, it's not.

There's a lot of raw material in "Silent Hill" that I really like. It's a really evocative world. The creature designs are very disturbing and genuinely conjure up images from a nightmare. (My favorite being "Pyramid-Head".) And like I said, I love the closing notes of the film. But the narrative structure is just too fucked up. The violence and gore aren't earned. None of the characters make any sense. And thus, those final notes don't carry the resonance that they could have.

No, I didn't like it. But I can't dismiss the effort as cavalierly as Ebert does.

Hello to anybody who's still reading this. (Nobody reads Friday night entries, anyhow...) On the subject of my phantom passion for videogames, there's a play I've been tempted to write inspired by videogames. I had the concept a few years ago and it's something I *may* revisit. The general demographics for theater-goers and videogame-players don't intersect much, which is one of the main reasons I'm not racing to write this. But it's a unique idea and the possibilities excite me and I can't be choosing what I write based on venn diagrams. (Oh, and fuck Nick Gaffney.)

Big Fucking Gun

I am a big man, yes I am, and I have a big gun!

Massive thanks to J*Goose n' Merillon for their help in getting me into the Guns N' Roses show on May 17th 2006, here in New York City!

They've got 4 shows @ Hammerstein Ballroom now, and this show is the last of the four. No promises that Axl will actually make it through all four shows... but if he actually shows up to ours, it'll make it a WHOLE lot cooler!

Due to my generous mood, here is a special Friday Shuffled 5:
1. Flowin' Prose, "Hello Nasty", The Beastie Boys
2. Queen's Revenge, "Forbidden Zone: Soundtrack", Miguelito Valdes
3. Born of a Broken Man, "The Battle of Los Angeles", Rage Against the Machine
4. Get Real Paid, "Midnight Vultures", Beck
5. My 36 Favorite Punk Songs, "Shamelessly Exciting", Jason Forrest

Malice Loses

Ticketmaster is the fucking devil.

Not So Shuffled 5:
1. Back Off Bitch, Guns N' Roses
2. There Was A Time (TWAT), Guns N' Roses
3. I Used to Love Her (But I Had to Kill Her), Guns N' Roses
4. You're Crazy, Guns N' Roses
5. One in a Million, Guns N' Roses

Bitches, Leave.

GUNS N' ROSES "pre-sale" in an hour, for two shows @ NYC's own Hammerstein Ballroom. Is the password Malice acquired legit? We shall see. If not, I can fail to get tickets tomorrow as well. Because Ticketmaster is an assfuck of an organization. In fact, I hope it burns in hell, alongside Ogrish.com. (Note: Work-safe not.)

Can websites burn in hell? Do they have T3 lines installed?

Viddy well, O My Brothers. Viddy well...

Feel No Need for Any Interfering

On the way to work this mourn, I listened to The Red Hot Chili Peppers track "Can't Stop" over and over and over again.

The lyrics aren't terribly profound. I find RHCP lyrics in general are particularly adolescent. But if you can overlook that and imagine they're singing in an alien language at times, their music's got some soul. (And some blood, sugar, sex, sometimes magic, etc.)

Anyway, sometimes I get stuck on a track because it evokes something visually for me, and I start imagining the different filmic uses for it. Sometimes, a story will even rise up for me...

And here you have it, ladies: Your Shuffled 5...
1. What's the Difference, "2001", Dr. Dre
2. Whir, "Pisces Iscariot", Smashing Pumpkins
3. Justice Aversion, "Dongs of Sevotion", Smog
4. High and Dry, "The Bends", Radiohead
5. Your Picture, "Underachievers Please Try Harder", Camera Obscura

Personal Death Arsenal

I bought my first PDA yesterday. I feel like I've finally entered the 1990's!

Bought the cheapest one. Don't need anything grand. A calendar and address book. Won't be writing novels on this thing. Still, the sucker's probably more powerful than the first laptop I bought.

Tax deadline tonight. The accountant's late this year; he's filing an extension for us and hopes to git-r-done within the week/month. He'd better get us a good deal...

Juice Nazi

So, Thursday I was knockin on heaven's door. Friday I was still stumbling around half dead. And today, I'm hoping is the tail end of what's ailing me.

Inspired by this bout of sickness, I cracked out the electric juicer that I reluctantly dragged to the Fortress of Solitude 2.0. The one that was a fucking wedding gift in another life.

A trip to the local market to pick up a bunch of fruits and vegetables that I wouldn't normally consume on my own. But in juice-form, a person can consume almost anything!

The juicer is a fucking pain in the arse to clean, and literally sounds like a motherfuckin chainsaw everytime I turn it on... but it's a small price to pay for the illusion of healthfulness.

... now, getcha fuckin shinebox!

Cold Sweat

Holy gazookas! The past 24 hours have been fuckin murder! May have taken my first sick day yesterday, but it sure weren't no party. Spent most of the day in and out of sleep. Couldn't even get myself to sit at the computer, everything just ached. It's an awful sensation when your skin aches. Almost makes me want to quit smoking.

(But I'm sure they're on the cusp of curing cancer... I have faith...)

I think I'm feeling better. Cracked out the old juicer and made myself some juice last night. Might head out and buy some more crap to toss into the juice machine. It might be a bitch to clean, but it's like a fountain of youth! I feel like I'm in my late-20s again...

I feel fuckin threadbare...

What Does a Gay Horse Eat...?

Haaaaaaaaay!

First sick day of the work year. Feel like fucking hell. Been trying to pull myself together enough just to get out the door to pick up some supplies at Duane Reade. I don't know what the fuck hit me.

So ends my streak of wellness...

Neon Angels on the Road to Ruin

What if I died before anything cool happened for me?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Feeling a bit discombobulated lately. My world is eerily quiet. Pedestrian. I don't feel compelled to go out and get plastered. I've liquor and beer at home that hasn't been touched. I used to enjoy getting drunk alone in the Fortress of Solitude 1.0. The FOS 2.0, however, is different. It's my safe house. It's my sanctuary.

I can be really social and I can also disappear from the world for long stretches of time.

I've got a really strange life. Very little seems constant. It can be liberating but it can also be vast and empty...

Happy hump day, 9-5ers.

Shufled 5:
1) Talking Liberties, The Fucking AM, Gold
2) Otherside, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Californication
3) Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun, The Beastie Boys, Paul's Boutique
4) Bad Days, The Flaming Lips, Batman Forever
5) So Fast, So Numb, R.E.M., New Adventures in Hi-Fi

BONUS TRACK:
6) Paradise City, Guns N' Roses, Appetite for Destruction

FOB-o-Rama-Ding-Dong.

Coz this seems to be amusing me and my work buddy, I thought I'd share it with the world.

An excerpt from a conversation I had with a Korean woman at work, who was trying to tell me that she'd seen the South African film "Tsotsi".

[MALICE is about to leave for the weekend. FOB-OP gets his attention.]

FOB-OP
Oh!, I chaw Cho-chee...

MALICE
I'm sorry? What?

FOB-OP
I sayyy, I chaw Cho-Chee!

MALICE
I don't--what are you trying to--?

FOB-OP
CHO-CHEE!!! I CHAW CHO-CHEE!!!

MALICE
"Chachi"...? Wha--? I don't...

FOB-OP
CHOOO-CHEEE!!! CHO-CHEE! I CHA CHO-CHEE!!! I CHA CHO CHEE CHA CHEE CHEE CHA CHEE CHURRO CHI CHOO CHA CHA CHU...

[FOB-OP goes into convulsions. MALICE slowly backs away.]

MALICE
I-I've gotta be somewhere... have a good weekend...

Remembering Migraine Boy

Jesus.
San José.
Red Light.
Wanna see a dead body?
Eye sore.
Magician.
Better Off Dead.
Chinee.
Ninja.

The Upside of Misanthropy

Met my final director yesterday and made my final decision last night. It was a really tough decision because that last director left a very strong impression...

It may go against the nature of Misanthropy Central, but I may have to be more careful with what I write here. Did a little search on my play on GOOGLE and it brought me right here. So there's a chance Misanthropy Central could experience a slight influx of strangers as things heat up. So everyone, put on your pants.

The deadline for taxes approaches and I've got to go about my yearly ritual of chasing after my accountant to get mine done. He's a good guy but he likes to save my shit for the 11th hour. And his secretary tends to lose her marbles around this time of year.

Monday mourning. I'm tired. Meant to mail my rent check this mourn but it slipped my mind. Gotta get that thing in the mail tomorrow. It'd be nice if I didn't have pay it every month, but that's how they getcha. If I'd realized that growing up, I'd've hit the books more and gone to med school. In a parallel universe, Dr. Malice is scrubbing up for heart surgery right now.

In this universe, emerging playwright Malice is updating his stupid blog at work...

Ghost of the Future Productions

A bonus entry today, to make up for the absence of one yesterday...

Had to order up some business cards in preparation for the networking opportunities I'll have leading up to the Summer Play Festival. Debated whether or not it would look too doofy to put "Ghost of the Future Productions" on it, seeing as how it isn't a real legal entity or anything. Just this thing I stamp on all the creative work I shit out.

So, I took the time to consult the all-knowing Internets (sic) for some advice, and discovered that you can establish "common law" trademark rights just by putting the branding out there:

How to Register a Trademark

[I erred on the conservative and just put the url for the Ghost of the Future website on the card.]

Then I stumbled on this little article about starting a production company.

How to Start a Production Company

Of course, I'd need to find out what "Ghost of the Future Productions" would produce beyond my own work. I'm thinking penis-enlargers.

Kids Show, Kids Show

Hey, it's not easy writing a blog entry every day, even when half of them are crap.

Yesterday was weird. I was in a "graphics brainstorming" meeting all day. I only needed to come in for the meeting, so I was in from 9:45am till about 3:30pm. But I needed to meet with a director @ 5:30pm, so I had to kill time dicking around mid-town like some kind of asshole. I ended up buying a videogame because the only way I know how to kill time is by buying crap.

What's worse is that the director ended up being half an hour late because of his temp job. But the meeting went well. The guy didn't sway me from my first choice, but it was a good meeting and he seemed real decent-like. Three more directors to meet with this weekend, should have a decision by Sunday afternoon.

So, I was at work but I wasn't working -- just "brainstorming". And then I had my little power meeting. And then I took a contemplative walk home and watched another crappy new episode of Lost on DVR. Envious?

This mourning, as my alarm was going off, I was dreaming that I was in bed and I couldn't shut off my alarm clock.

ZOOM!

You Think I Have a God Complex...?

I feel it coming together...
People will see me and cry...

I'm gonna make it to heaven...
Light up the sky like a flame...

I'm gonna live forever...
Baby, remember my name...

Really good meeting with a director last night. I've got a bunch of other meetings with directors lined up, I plan to honor them, but I've got a good feeling about this guy.

Got an invite to Arielle Tepper's Park Avenue apartment for a launch party on May 8th.

God called me last week to tell me that He exists. Couldn't talk though, coz Satan was buying me shots. (And Beelzebub promised me a hummer.)

Begin backlash..... now.

No Rest for the Wicked

At a certain point in the night, if I'm not falling asleep, I just stay up till dawn. Because if I do end up falling asleep around 3 or 4am, chances are good that I'll sleep right through the alarm. And then I'm late for work and there are repercussions and it's a whole big thing I just don't want to deal with.

Suffice it to say, I barely got a blink of sleep last night. Too many thoughts scrolling through my head. Too many cigarettes this weekend. And perhaps because I'm so close to Central Park now, the hayfever hit me like a ton of hayfever.

Ergo, today I am a space cadet. And after work, I've got to interview the first potential director for my show. And if I'm feeling particularly abusive, hike it to Williamsburg afterwards to honor a concert ticket I bought a while ago. (That's feeling iffy right about now...)

Send help. Stop.