listless

where the fuck have i been?

tuesday i was so busy at work, i didn't even get to check my regular websites. working at work has GOT to stop.

been having fun authoring DVDs. THE BUTCHERHOUSE CHRONICLES dvd is burned and complete. traveling through the postal system, looking for redemption. My DVD authoring's getting better. Got another thing I'm going to try to author/burn this evening...

but tonight's dedicated to creating a list of "issues" i've got to bring with me to marriage counseling tomorrow. didn't want to procrastinate on starting it, but here i am, doing it all the night before. i've been "writing" it in my head for the past two weeks. i've just got to figure out how to commit it to paper.

tomorrow night could be... less than fun.

why'd ya sing Hallelujah if it means nothin to ya...?

i feel like i've been run over by a freight train this mourning. got what i wanted to get done this weekend, but i completely fucked up my sleep pattern. barely slept thursday and friday. slept a bit more saturday into sunday. got my standard 5 hours last night. still, i am in daze today...

feels like autumn in new york city. sunny and cool/cold on the way to work. i suspect something has gone horribly wrong with the seasons. we had our winter. skipped spring for a week of summer. now we're in fall again.

don't you love blog entries about the weather? it's like we're stuck in an elevator together, trying to fill the void of awkwardness.

fewer official social responsibilities this week/weekend. i look forward to this. i can take a vacation in my head.

burnt offerings

Dear Blog,

I had dinner with "burno" last night. He continued making hurtful, disparaging remarks about the good Filipino community. I'd repeat some of the ugly things he said but they're just too painful to recount. If this continues, I may have to draft a letter to NaFFAA to schedule some sort of pre-emptive intervention. I'm just afraid of what burno's anti-Filipino agenda may develop into if it goes unchecked. (This is not to mention what he has to say about other so-called "mongrel races"...)

Stay strong, my Filipino brothers and sisters. We will overcome...!

Salamat!

let's get retarded!

quarter past 6am. been up for 23.5 hours. finished editing my Project. just need to get some sleep and then finish the end creds. it's been over a fucking year. i can't see straight no more. i think i'm legally retarded right now. perhaps i've always been so.

"2"

you getting excited, kids??

2 more scenes. Dos. Due. Deux. Dois. Zwei. Two more scenes and i'm done editing my Project (that nobody really cares about seeing).

i'm ruthlessly avoiding social entanglements this evening in order to push forth into the land of milk and honey. (Cheerios-land.) i know nobody cares but i'll be so jazzed to finish this off. just to be able to watch it. whole. full size. it's a flawed work, to be sure, but i've done the best i could to "airbrush" over some of the problems and make it something better than it was.

am i being vague enough?? blame GOOGLE.

seven more hours and then straight home to finish this thing. i might be able to finish it before the dawn...

(fuck, i lead an empty existence.)

surrender your dreams

it's been over a year, toiling in obscurity in my fortress of solitude, but i am finally nearing completion of my Project. this is officially the most elaborate video of a reading of a play... ever.

i have 3 more scenes to finish editing. 2 scenes + 1 epilogue.

gonna try to hunker down and make big headway tonight and tomorrow night. might mean being a bit antisocial the next 48 hours. what's the world coming to?!

Pope Benedict XVI

my "spiritual leader" comes in a bottle with a black label, motherfuckers...

no love, no glory

eff mondays some more. eff 'em till it hurts. eff 'em till it bleeds.

i feel like i've been sleepwalking for weeks. i'm getting work done. just 4 more scenes to finish editing with my video project. been having fun getting my hands slightly dirty with After Effects, after ignoring its presence on my HD for years. gettin closer and closer to doing more writing. but the world just seems so quiet. a world on the verge. my therapist/marriage counselor said i work too much in isolation but the only way for me to get this shit done is in isolation. it's this pattern of having to go way underground before i can enjoy any glory.

don't know if i expressed myself thoroughly/clearly enough in my last entry. seems every so often i post some rant on feeling trapped by the confines of what i call 'the ghetto'. it's true, 95% of what's out there doesn't interest me. but i think i gave up on the struggle to "represent" years ago. i'm reduced to waving a generic flag of "asian-america" as i try to both break big in the ghetto and break out of the ghetto. what the fuck is 'the asian-american experience' anyway? a lot of people in the community get all self-important when they start crowing about it, but it's kinda horseshit. it's a big popularity contest--and i'm not excluding myself from that. most people see your work coz they're friends of yours, or they feel obligated in some way.

the only way i try to combat this is by trying to create work that *i'd* want to see. if people are gonna plunk down some bills and clear out a few hours of a night to see something of mine, i want to earn that. it's surprising how many people feel entitled to it.

jesus, i sooo need a fuckin vacation...

eff fridays (eff them *sweetly*)

taxes are IN, suckas! take that, USA! eat it and puke!

woke up 'round a quarter to 11 today. out to the local postal by 11:30. barely a line at all. $9 and some change for certified mail. dropped by the gym for some "me time". treated myself to one of those chair massages at the park on the way back home. (tried to get a "happy ending" but the dude didn't seem to understand what i wanted...) what a perfectly fruity day!


hippo critical
i was thinking about the whole "asian american artistic community" today. how it seems cool at first, until you realize it's all fucked up. hypersensitive and hyper-insensitive at the same time, so everyone ends up fucking each other up. fighting for silly causes, then wearing racist epithets as ironic badges as they march around with chips on their shoulders. oh, and they put up some pretty shitty theater along the way...

i was having drinks with burno and the meowking last night. burno gets a few beers in him and starts trying to get a rise outta me by making some cracks about filipinos speaking spanish and being colonized. (when burno gets a little booze in him, he turns into a regular don rickles...)

the thing is, i know he was just trying to provoke a reaction out of me, but i wasn't provoked or offended. i was trying to think why, and i think it's because i have so little personal connection to my cultural/ethnic background. my connection to my immediate family is shockingly thin. i rarely see them and i certainly never see any extended family. i harbor a remarkable ignorance and disinterest in my roots. you get treated like shit by enough idiots and assholes over the years, it doesn't exactly instill a desire to get closer.

i don't mean to imply that burno represents "The Community". (i do mean to imply that burno represents don rickles.) i just think this is the biggest reason i have difficulty integrating into this community. a community that promises "representation". what if i don't feel compelled or qualified to speak for "my people"? i certainly doubt they'd want me to speak for 'em. it's certainly not what interests me.

i've got to get out of the fucking ghetto... there's no future in it...

eff thursdays

good mourning, fucklords!

as mentioned in yesterday's update, i gotta try to pick up taxes again this afternoon. hope it's ready. hope we don't get royally, anally raped. i hate getting it in under the wire, but i've got until midnight tomorrow to mail it out. PLENTY OF TIME...

my weekend is 7 hours within my grasp. do not fuck with me.

eff wednesdays

sorry the updates are slipping. i know the world depends on my updates.

what's malice thinking today??! i cannot function without reading his bitchy, surly, whiny little updates...!

today, i finally finish sorting out my taxes. and i've got a marriage counseling session this evening, after work. today, malice has to play "grown-up". when did i become a schnook like everybody else?

last night, i laid out a hunk of money (i don't have) for a higher-end dvd-authoring program. it's an investment. i've got the damn burner, i may as well not limit my ability to exploit it by just dicking around with the rinky-dink micky mouse apps.

dining with burno & the meowking tomorrow night. a little reunion after meowk's barthelona interlude. i miss that fucking cat...

here's a good article for fans of GOODFELLAS who're interested in reading about the real details of the lufthansa heist; the movie only really deals with the aftermath.

UPDATE
screw-up @ the accountant's. taxes not ready today. pick 'em up tomorrow. their office looks like a fuckin tornado hit it. woman who took my papers two and a half weeks ago didn't remember me and didn't remember taking my envelope; gave me a scare. but they've got it and it's being worked on, so they say. i just hope it works out tomorrow.

if marriage counseling gets cancelled tonight, today will be completely fruitless. better not to have lived it at all!

eff tuesdays

i didn't actually write this on tuesday, but i felt like i should have a complete set of "effs"...

eff tuesdays anyway.

eff mondays

couldn't deal with adulthood today, so i've called in. everyone else calls in sick -- i gotta cover for 'em -- fuggit today. i'd been hording my "sick days", but whatever. these things happen.

dirty stylus composed an original score for an animated short i submitted to a short film contest; i'll send up flares when it's up and ready for votes. it's really cool, i promise.

countdown to taxes deadline this week. will i make it this year? the suspense is destroying me...

transitions

i'm not sure what it's been with this week that's made it feel like a fucking eternity. all the rain of last weekend, followed by the abrupt shock of warm spring weather. the meowking off in barthelona, and me taking care of his cat "bob" @ my fortress of solitude. the week's just felt spacey and long and strange.

time of shifting. my weekend's a scant 5 & 1/2 hours away. we shall see what the world has in store for us...

fear and confusion

didn't feel inspired to say anything today but i thought i should create an entry to succeed the previous "gender reassignment surgery" entry -- which i'm sure alienated a reader or two...

but since we're discussing the misconceptions of gender reassignment surgery, that previous article i posted a link to mainly concerned male-to-female surgery (MtFs). turning the male anatomy into the female anatomy. perusing it, it seems 'vaginoplasty' has gotten pretty advanced over the years. however, what i was curious about was FtMs. it seems there are... greater limitations on turning the female anatomy into the male anatomy...

i looked it up last night. i saw some pictures i can't unsee. seems you can cut something off but it's harder to make something out of nothing... have i said enough...? i think i've said more than enough...

dude looks like a lady!

sex ed. stop snickering, class!

this is a little unorthodox for 'misanthropy central', but that's why i'm offering this warning. there are some graphic images at this link, so be careful if you're at work (like i am).

i don't remember what prompted me to look this up except that sometimes i have a LOT of time to kill at work and i like to look shit up and read about it. and for one reason or another, i was curious how "gender reassignment surgery" worked. how do they a) make one thing look like the other, and b) make one thing WORK like the other...

answers here.

preemptive statements, for the comment box:

1) no, i'm not interested in this surgery for myself.
2) no, i'm not interested in *dating* people who've had this surgery.
3) i was just curious, ok?!

lost hours

i... hate...daylight saving time...

i'd rather we work toward preserving the night time. more pointedly, malice's hours of sleep.

got up super late this mourning, despite the resetting of all my clocks.

I’m so tired, I’m feeling so upset
Although I’m so tired I’ll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh.
He was such a stupid git!

closer

"have you ever seen a human heart -- ?!
"it looks like a fist wrapped in blood...!"