no love, no glory

eff mondays some more. eff 'em till it hurts. eff 'em till it bleeds.

i feel like i've been sleepwalking for weeks. i'm getting work done. just 4 more scenes to finish editing with my video project. been having fun getting my hands slightly dirty with After Effects, after ignoring its presence on my HD for years. gettin closer and closer to doing more writing. but the world just seems so quiet. a world on the verge. my therapist/marriage counselor said i work too much in isolation but the only way for me to get this shit done is in isolation. it's this pattern of having to go way underground before i can enjoy any glory.

don't know if i expressed myself thoroughly/clearly enough in my last entry. seems every so often i post some rant on feeling trapped by the confines of what i call 'the ghetto'. it's true, 95% of what's out there doesn't interest me. but i think i gave up on the struggle to "represent" years ago. i'm reduced to waving a generic flag of "asian-america" as i try to both break big in the ghetto and break out of the ghetto. what the fuck is 'the asian-american experience' anyway? a lot of people in the community get all self-important when they start crowing about it, but it's kinda horseshit. it's a big popularity contest--and i'm not excluding myself from that. most people see your work coz they're friends of yours, or they feel obligated in some way.

the only way i try to combat this is by trying to create work that *i'd* want to see. if people are gonna plunk down some bills and clear out a few hours of a night to see something of mine, i want to earn that. it's surprising how many people feel entitled to it.

jesus, i sooo need a fuckin vacation...