the action is elsewhere

had a nightmare last night. (i think it was from that "subliminal message" flash that el meowking turned me to.) as i was thinking about it this morning, i started to imagine i could turn it into a script if i could just remember the details.

alas, i did not write it down. and i've forgotten the twist of the knife. but it involved a bunch of people participating in some program held in a small building. the building had two sides divided by a common staircase, but the participants were forbidden to cross over to the other side... until something happened.

sub zero wind chill. i did not want to make the trek to work today. but i did. in fact, i've made it through the entire week, littered with other people calling out sick. i deserve a reward. where's my prize? there's gotta be a prize...

everybody's got the right to be happy...

sorry doesn't quite say it

sorry i didn't get to post yesterday. people have been calling out sick like it's going out of style, and i'm the man they call to stanch the bleeding. (yes, i use the term "man" loosely... *gollum*...)

as the nyc-ers ought know, a homeless man started a fire in a subway station (chamber's street) over the weekend -- to keep warm -- and the damage that blossomed from this act rendered the C train inoperable and hobbled the A train.

the absurd part is, the mta claimed that the C line would be down for THREE TO FIVE YEARS!

i was going to blog this yesterday, but since then the mta has revised its estimate. so my outrage must be tempered.

however, i've got to vent. the mta has kicked their rates up a lot over the past few years and are expected to raise the rates again soon. to add insult to injury, they claim that the rate hike will only serve to maintain the status quo and will not assist in the further repair of their brokedown little system. this subway system that serves as the arteries and veins of this wicked little town. ineffectual organizations like "straphangers" seem to barely make a dent in the machine.

yep, we're fucked.

the good news is, i treated myself to a bottle of single barrel jack daniels last night... and it was good. someone out there... please put me out of my misery...

i was so close to calling in sick today

i ended up taking a cab to work. i heard the F line was a little fuckled and i didn't want to bother. i justified the expense by figuring the amount of the cab ride versus the amount i would lose by not working at all.

it was BUSY today. this explains the late posting. i stole the above picture from burn-o's blog, because i couldn't be bothered finding an appropriate image today, and i enjoy stealing things from burnsy. (this does not exclude money from his wallet.)

a bunch of people were ballsier and actually called out sick today, which is why i've been so busy. karma is a cocksucker. they will pay for what they have done to me. they will pay meaningfully...

the marriage counselor finally called back this morn. we have a session tomorrow night. i am the portrait of relief. we need help.

yesterday, burno wrote: "I don't trust anyone" on his blog. well, burno, old pal... if you're reading this let me tell you... you can trust my fucking fist!

sometimes it seems every day is worse than the last.

lost in the garden of eden

holed up in the fortress. it certainly looks cold outside. inside, it's just cold in my heart.

people see me smile, they think i'm "happy". i don't get this. it happened twice at my birthday the other week. rest assured, if you witness me smiling, it indicates i'm stunningly depressed.

i didn't have cake or blow out any candles on my birthday. as silly as it sounds, i don't think i've ever gone without blowing out candles on my birthday. i hear if you don't blow out candles on your birthday, it's 17 years bad luck. at least, that's what my parents always warned me.

life just gets worse and worse as it goes on, doesn't it?

fuck & run

well, about 40 minutes to kill off on this day. made it here without dying. now i can go home and die.

DIE DIE DEAD DEAD KILL ALL THE FEELING AWAY

nearly out of liquors. i think i have enough to get me through the weekend, but i'd better stock up. would not want to be trapped in my fortress of solitude completely dry.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

midnight radio

toyed with calling in sick today. just didn't feel like going in.

instead, i'm here. early.

passed out around 9:45 last night. woke up around 2:30a. couldn't get back to sleep. finished that book i was reading.

it's different being at work in the morning when you've been up for a few hours, instead of just a few minutes.

but i knew i'd feel better if i made it through the day at work. it's like a war. another notch in the belt. gotta horde those sick days. the year's just begun. and if i feel like it, maybe i can whip up some tears later and leave early. if i feel like it.

i'm so glad so many of my lonely guy friends have hooked up and found girlfriends/soulmates. i could not be happier for them. really. i wish them all the happiness i would wish upon the children i will never have.

it's such a perfect day. i'm glad i spent it with you. oh, such a perfect day. you just keep me hanging on...

(you're gonna reap just what you sow...)

live and let die

late entry in my world of nothingness. for a person with such an empty, meaningless life, i sure do blog a lot.

nothing to say or report today. i have been reading this book that dr. craig gave me for my b-day. i'm about mid-way through it and need to find out what happens. unfortunately, in the process of posting that link i just posted, i found out what happens. (my suspicions confirmed.) oh fucking well.

the chair i'm sitting in at work today squeaks like a motherfucker. (and you know how motherfuckers can squeak.) anyway, it's better than the chair i was sitting in yesterday which is breaking my back. i cannot stress enough the importance of a comfortable chair when you're on your fucking ass for 10 hours. (maybe 8 hours, with lunch and breaks and goofing off.)

i thought about doing something tonight but i think i'll just bugger home and die another day.

alone in the dark

when i was a child, i was afraid of the dark.

now i prefer it.

the world seems less empty in the dark. during the day, even filtered through curtains, the sunlight illuminates the vast and barren wasteland of my apartment. during the night, all i see is what's illuminated by the glow of the computer screen. the absence of life is less pronounced. the emptiness of the world is shaded black. it almost seems warmer, cloaked in darkness. my sunless heaven.

+

it's her birthday today. happy birthday to her. wherever she may be...

it's only the end of the world

well, it's the death of the week. i should celebrate, but i've still got the bulk of the day to suffer through, so i'm not going to bank on my survival till it's over.

nothing concrete orchestrated for this long weekend. maybe i can paint the windows black. have a howard hughes/axl rose party. i feel like being a shut-in. that thing that lives down the hall. malice razorbladehands.

guy at work got mugged last night, around columbus circle. this big mountain of a guy--looks like he'd be a bouncer--and he got mugged. i've never been mugged in this city. i think it's because of my invisibility cloak. (well, if someone pulls a gun on me this weekend, they're gonna have to use it.)

the readership of this hovel of a page comes and goes. what a strange concept, to broadcast whatever you want out to the world, whenever you want. millions of people with their own broadcast stations. how futuristic.

the future is full of doom.

burned out eyes

i don't like my last several posts. obviously, neither did my readership, judging from the dearth of comments. were there too few specifics? did i merely fail to capture people's imagination? (erwin mentioned how surprised he was at how "open" i was on this page; but if i were truly open here, i'd be put in a hospital.) regardless of the reason, i'll endeavor, at least, to create an entry that satisfies my dark heart.

i was chatting with a friend last night. we spoke about doing a project together. perhaps it would be good for me to work on something constructive/creative during my soberer hours. (we'll see if he reminds me of this discussion.)

i've been beating around a screenplay for a good clip of time now. there's a complete draft, it just needs a severe overhaul. the thing is, i can be a really terrific writer and i can be a profoundly appalling writer. each time i go in, it's a battle between the two. and the appalling writer has grown intimidating muscles over the past number of months. i know i can overcome this. (the writer's block; not my life problems, which are fucking insurmountable.) i just need to dig myself out from under this mountain of defecation.

why does everyone despise me so? is it that i remind them of death and utter failure? is it the stench of rot that permeates my horrible thoughts? is it merely because i am the all-american antichrist?

somebody end this walking nightmare...

p.s. my life sucks.

why malice drinks

"... It is worst if you don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing which is going to happen."
- The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, by Mark Haddon

there is nothing left to say

courtesy of the strange mind of nick-o, i received a phone call from lou ferrigno yesterday. on my cell phone. at work.

of course, the phone reception was bad and i did not know that i was talking to lou ferrigno. all i heard was a guy with a really low voice. i thought it was collection agency guy, coming to break my knees.

malice
hello?

lou ferrigno
hi, can i speak to [malice]?

malice
speaking.

lou ferrigno
(static) is [malice] there?

malice
yeah, it's me.

lou ferrigno
[malice]?

malice
yeah, it [malice]!

lou ferrigno
i just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday and a very great day today, from [garbled] courtesy of [garbled] dot com...

malice
okay. thanks.

lou ferrigno
you're welcome. bye.

CLICK.

nicko only revealed who i was talking to this morning. along with the website where he ordered it. (click lou, above.)

tears for fear

it's funny how my mood can go from merely "unhappy" to "severely unhappy" with little provocation. december and january have abruptly become my least favorite months of the year.

take the happiest memories you have and negate them. turn them into grim reminders. that is a portrait of my life.

i feel doomed. utterly doomed.

the gods have conspired against me.

everything is blue in this world

marriage counseling canceled tonight. marriage counselor's sister died yesterday. mourning begins.

i didn't get drunk enough on my birthday. maybe tonight's the night.

attended a talk with Quentin Tarantino & Uma Thurman at the MOMA yesterday, courtesy of jgoose. The RZA was in the audience. it was an evening full of stars.

me, i'm a black hole. light cannot escape.

girlfight

i think i managed to piss off "p" with my last entry. i'm trying to get her to assassinate me.

for the record, though i suffered no bruises, i am still vaguely sore from the arm punches i suffered from p. she's got pointy knuckles and only fights bare-fisted.

i've got a severe case of the mondays. i didn't sleep much this weekend. i was dead tired this mourn. unfortunately, i have social obligations tonight, tomorrow night and wednesday night, so i shall be unable to run home and hide till thursday night. thankfully, we've got a long weekend coming up. i really must do something besides russian roullette.

i'm only happy when it rains

it's the mourning after and i'm still very much alive. big fucking deal.

i was pleasantly surprised by the turnout. i would argue more people were there to see ME than nicko, but i think the circus freak component had a lot to do with that. i am proud to say i took EVERY DRINK people bought me and i was still standing without assistance at the end of the night. that's practice, kiddies. that's months of methodical work paid off.

i think i did an admirable job of distributing face-time with the disparate factions. it's always tough and never quite sufficient at something like this, but i did my best.

i lost track of how many 'birthday punches' p landed on me, but clearly it wasn't enough because i've got no bruises nor am i bleeding this mourning. that girl's got some moxie. i tried to get her to start hitting me in the face, but she wouldn't go for it. what a bitch...

the sun is shining. i find sunny days the most depressing. i wish it were dark and raining right now. one day a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the face of this city. i just wish it were today.

heartbreak hotel

happy birthday to elvis presley, david bowie, michelle forbes, sarah polley...

january 8, 1976
... and yes, yours truly, malice highload.

of these people, i am not the deadest (elvis) nor am i the youngest (sarah, 1979 -- also the prettiest of our lot). however, i am arguably the most unwanted. ouch.

light a candle for the sinners. set the world on fire.

lost

there's no reason to be happy. we're stranded on an island. no one's coming to get us.

20 (rhetorical) questions

1. i know i'm late in posting an entry today (it was horridly busy at work) -- but have people just not visited this page or are folks that disinterested in my last post about mst3k???

2. why is there so much pain and suffering in my life?

3. how'd it get so hard?

4. how'd it get so long?

5. why does god let bad things happen to good people who think bad things?

6. when did it all go so wrong?

7. why does blood taste like copper?

8. why doesn't everyone realize what a brilliant fucking visionary i am?

9. why can't i write?

10. why can't i focus?

11. where is my mind?

12. what have i become?

13. how far does the hole go?

14. when's it gonna end?

15. why does scotch hurt so good?

16. why can't i ever remember the night before?

17. why is the whole world against me?

18. how will this story end?

19. who's reading this page aside from 6mx, burn-o, nick-o, merillon, jgoose, the meowking and the assorted spontaneous/silent lurkers (m.u.i., dr. c, christofa, erwin, mark, roger, paco, ken, high street, mike2, ben the proofer, kami)?

20. why are you running away?

robot roll call!

it's 5pm and i just got back from my "lunch break". it can be really dead here but when they work you, they work you like a 13-year-old venezuelan prostitute.

i've got 2 (TWO!) "mystery science theater 3000" dvds on their way to my mailbox from planet netflix. i used to love that show. the opening song is fucking infectious. i understand the younger folks in our audience may not even know what mst3k was...! or at least wouldn't be familiar with the original host/creator, the great mr. joel hodgson. it is a shame...

(i've also got a bunch of kurosawa movies i keep bumping to the bottom of my netflix queue... i think i just keep 'em on there so i can feel better about myself...)

extra points for anyone who can quote the opening mst3k song in the comment box...

i can't believe i'm turning 29 on saturday. in such an inauspicious manner. why is my life so hateful? why, satan? why???

the giving tree

this isn't one of those photo-blogs, but i saw a great photo op walking to work this mourning. if i'd only had a digital camera on me...

they were in the process of cutting down the massive corporate christmas tree that had been erected in the corporate promenade that i walk through to get to the subway. they had cut off most of the branches and were piling them in a big truck, and there was just this huge bare trunk spotted with branch stumps -- with a little conical "hat" yet to be severed. i don't know if that paints the picture well enough (i'm a lousy writer), but it looked cool. methodical and sad. i tried searching for a picture on the web that would approximate the image, but the image you see above is the closest i was able to come to the feel of it.

me? i am methodical and sad.

sufff oh kay shunnnnnn

fuck, i'm fucking soused. off of one drink, no less! granted, it was a very strong drink, on a fairly empty stomach. i like getting drunk because it enables me to cry and feel sadness more immediately. i love god because god hate Me. iffin i can make it through the work day tomorrow, i'll be able to hang out with burno. are you not envious? well, you should be... you should be, badly...

high anxiety

one last blog for the day, to keep my mind off tonight. i'm freaking out. i hope i don't pass out before the session begins. (from anxiety, not from alcohol, thankyouverymuch...)

i've been living off of my netflix subscription the past number of months. when you've got nothing else you're looking forward to in your life, at least you can look forward to a few dvd movies in the mailbox. how... horrifyingly depressing.

anyway, i've hit one of those dead spots where i've just sent back all 3 dvd rentals and the netflix warehouse hasn't received them yet, so i probably won't get the next 3 dvds in my queue until... friday or saturday?! SONUVABITCH!

i guess i could always watch a few of the billion dvds that i actually own until then... but it's not as much fun as getting a dvd in the mail...

I NEED TO SCREAM!!!

melancholy, infinite sadness

[i was going to wish nicko a happy (30th!?) birthday today, but he has an unauthorized photograph on his blog and i don't want to support traffic to his site.]

my first day back at work, in this new year. survived N.Y.E. relatively unscathed. hid from the world a little bit this weekend, but i was out and about enough. i just can't stand the paparazzi...

hopefully, the work won't be heavy this first week of the new year.

got the 2nd "counseling" session this evening... need to remember to breathe...

can't believe it's my birthday on saturday. is it this bad every year? i swear, the onslaught of 'special occasions' is unrelenting...

war is over (if you want it)

i lived through it. 2004. over 500 years ago, nostradamus predicted i wouldn't make it, and it was a close call but i proved him wrong.

i'm in the process of mastering the fine art of getting really drunk without passing out and coloring the street with vomit. i've been trying to master this for the better part of 29 years now. most of it is pacing but the critical part is being very aware of your own level of inebriation, and when you need to slow down the ride. factors that make this more challenging: loud places with lots of strangers, loud places with lots of people you know, an innate death wish.

how much worse can 2005 possibly get...?