Wednesday, April 22, 2015


Humpday. Three days before I hop a plane for Florida to visit family. Feeling fragmented. In some ways, feeling a little easier that this month-long "time-out" is almost over. But then there is the endless uncertainty of what comes next. Still don't know when I get to see her again. This has been a month in limbo and it's been exhausting. And not nearly as fun or productive as I'd planned or hoped.

I have managed to set up my computer further. Photoshop, Premiere, After Effects. It has been years since I've used AE. I recall, that was the most difficult one to learn. But I did manage to teach myself how to do some things in it back in the day... but that was years ago now. I'll be looking at YouTube tutorials in the near future. All tools to get my creativity flowing again. Malice trying to get his groove back.

I have come to hate Facebook in new and ugly ways. It is a torture device, showing you the most victorious snapshots of other people's lives. PEOPLE YOU KNOW. PEOPLE YOU USED TO KNOW. PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW. "This is what I'm doing -- what the fuck have YOU done?" None of this is new. Except it's heightened when you're in the dark and obsessed with searching for clues to your fate. It is pointless exercise in self-harm.


Month's almost over. All of this is going to get easier soon.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Infinite Malice

I am writing this blog entry from a computer that I built from parts.

That's not entirely true. I mostly watched and lightly assisted as my friend built the machine for me and set it up over the course of 11 hours, Saturday afternoon into night.

As of right now, I'm still wrestling with the black monolith (which is entirely too big for my cramped desk space). To facilitate transferring files (like my iTunes library), I attempted to install my old hard drive in my new machine -- after my friend left. Naturally, this did not work and I'm dealing with the aftermath while I wait for my friend to wake up and respond to my text.

I know this will all get worked out eventually. This thing is fast as hell -- spent enough on parts that it ought to be -- and staying indoors and building it during a day with the nicest weather we've seen all year... it was a good distraction.

It's weird. I was feeling much better about my situation last week and now I'm feeling a lot of uncertainty again. I can't help but feel a sense of dread. It's hard to enjoy anything with this feeling.

In a week, I leave for Florida for five days. I don't know what I'm leaving behind and I don't know what I'm returning to.

Taking a break from this computer business right now. Gonna treat myself to a brunch with as many vodka sodas as I can drink in 90 minutes.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Everybody loves reading about other people's dreams, right?

Drinking leads me to terrible sleep patterns and strange dreams. But dreams are inherently strange.

Like most dream sessions, this morning was more of a floating series of vignettes. Like an episode of LOUIE. Not really funny, sometimes insightful, sometimes moving, often times excruciating. There was one sequence that's hard to describe because the narrative thread is so fractured. You know those dreams that start to disintegrate from memory almost as soon as you wake, and all you're left with are moments and emotions. This one involved someone's large, luxurious apartment. A box of Japanese prepackaged snacks that included all these little rice ball things and seaweed. Some sort of street fair/parade where a woman embraced me from behind and held onto me for a while, which was comforting. And then I met another woman who I felt similarly warm toward. Those are the main parts that remain of that sequence.

Another sequence had a much clearer action...

I'm in a car with my current work crew. The boss is driving, I'm shotgun, and we are going way too fast down a snow-covered road. Car catches air as we bump over a small hill and we are not letting up. Soon after, the car starts to drift and we lose control. We skid off the road and onto a partially frozen lake. There are people all around this lake and they scatter as our car careens off the edge of frozen surface and plunges into the water. We are now SINKING... and almost immediately, hammerhead sharks are swarming around our slowly drowning vehicle.

We all get out and swim toward the shore -- which is now some sort of resort where people are sunning themselves.

What does any of it mean? Loss of control. Career uncertainties. Fear of sharks. I can pick it apart and interpret it to pieces but it all comes down to a bunch of stuff that's been on your mind for a while. It's all just a bunch of stuff, isn't it?

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Greenpoint Signs

These signs popped up around Greenpoint at some time in the past week.

I wanted to know if you are ok. (Denise from November)

Is this some lo-fi version of Missed Connections?

Who's "Benny"? Who's "Denise from November"? Has she really not seen him since November? What happened?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Death Tax

Tax deadline day. I'm all sorted out in advance but there's still something liberating about moving beyond this deadline.

Bad dreams last night. Need to keep my head better fastened. All in all, in the grand scheme, we are in a good place. Things are going well and we are not going to sabotage that with imaginary arguments.

Emotional Intelligence. This is key.

We'll get through this month in better shape.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Anger. Frustration.

Remember when I used to vent on this blog?

I've been holding back.

For. A while.

On so many fronts because I've been so cautious. Because I sincerely believe this blog has directly ruined things for me.


Even now, I'm being somewhat oblique because I do not want this to be a thing.

I... hate... right now... I am so unhappy with a lot of what's happening in my life right now, and I am biting on it because I am trying to be patient.

It's mid-April. The year is still young. We will see what we will see. It's going to be okay.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Week Three

This is the start of WEEK THREE.

Today was my last day on antibiotics. Just about healed up here. My tongue is still a little numb but it's pretty in pink once more.

Today was fucking gorgeous and I had nothing to do and no one to do it with.

That said, communication lines are open once again with the girl and we're in a good place again. Still don't know when I'll get to see her again but I'm less panicked about it ending abruptly. I've got a trip to visit my mom and sis down in Florida in about two weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it.

I watched the fucking entirety of DAREDEVIL Season 1 on Netflix yesterday. This is the glory of not having responsibilities.

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

April is the Cruelest

Week two, technically. I don't know what happens when the month-long purgatory is up. She broke radio silence briefly after the one week mark, which ought to be encouraging, but I'm still plunged in darkness. My original intention was to have as much fun as possible this month, reconnecting with people and focusing on stuff that I enjoy. Then I ran into a wall of sickness during the first week that I'm just now starting to recover from...

Only just now starting to be able to eat again. This is Day 6 of antibiotics and the strep is pretty much gone but my mouth is taking a little longer to heal. For the record, a first degree burn to the tongue should take just a few days to a week to heal. This was more like a third degree burn, which can take up to two weeks to completely heal. That'll teach me to eat hot soup too quickly.

I've spent the better part of this month so far starving, probably averaging 500 calories or less in nutrition shakes. Involuntary crash diets really take a toll.

And we're still just in Week Two.

I know I need to be thinking positively about this whole thing. I should expect a positive outcome at the end of this month.

But it's so hard to stay positive sometimes...

Saturday, April 04, 2015

Face of Death

Friday morning, I woke up feeling no better than the three previous days. Swollen, tender glands. Painful to swallow. Body aches. I decided to try to use my new health insurance while I had it.

I almost didn't go. I figured this was probably a viral thing that would go away on its own. That would have been dangerous.

First let me point out the walk-in clinic I used... Check out these two urls...

Same address, different suites, different online portals, different doctors. The first one is the one I ultimately went with, and it's the one I'd recommend.

Made my appointment online. 3:45pm on Friday. Filled out my paperwork in advance online.

Receptionist informed me that I hadn't paid enough of my insurance deductible so I had to pay by credit card. $139.

Didn't have to wait long before I was seen. Doc took my temperature: over 102. Looked at my throat, shook his head, bathed his hands in sanitizer.

Strep throat. Severe. He suggested if I hadn't tended to it earlier, I could have ended up in the emergency room.

A scrip for 10 days of antibiotics.

Saturday mourning. All plans for this long weekend have been canceled, and I'm contemplating taking Monday off to get another day's worth of antibiotics in me before reentering genpop.

The entire inside of my mouth is still recovering from getting burned by the hot soup I chugged in the middle of the week. I don't think I have ever burned my mouth as thoroughly as this. All I've been able to eat is applesauce because it hurts to chew and swallow anything. My face is swollen and misshapen. I'm suddenly relieved I've got a month to recuperate because I would not want her to see me in this state.

Week one and I have completely fallen apart. I have got a month to put myself back together.

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Rye Playland

Shouldn't be drinking but I'm nursing a glass of (my roommate's) Rye tonight. I feel like hell. My immune system is shot. My body ached all day at work today and I wanted to pass out. My throat hurts. The glands in my jaws are swollen. Perhaps it's a blessing to be so infirm at the very beginning of this month. Gives me a goal to get better.



The gym was a bitch this mourning. I've been focusing all on cardio this week, just as a way to meditate. I was just so tired and aching this mourn, part of me just wanted to sleep in. But a good sweat for 45 to 60 is helful (sic) for the head.

I've got a month to go. It's supposed to be just a month, at least. Who knows. All I know is, I'm not caving.


April 1st, 2015. I am fucking exhausted. I'm going to try to build a new computer this month, as a side project. And develop my new play. Spend some quality time with some peeps I haven't seen in a spell. I will endeavor to have as good a time as I can during this month, because torturing myself will NOT be productive.

Easier. Said.

April. Fool.

Perfect timing for my immune system to betray me. Swollen glands, body aches. I've got a whole month to get stronger.

Week one. The ups and downs are dizzying. Need to get my head straight.

Short work week this week. More time on my own, to ruminate. Need to be better than this.

Bad night, last night. Immune system breakdown affects everything. Need to stop torturing myself with thoughts.

Everything is going to be all right.

Everything is going to be all right.

Everything is going to be all right.