How to Get a Security Guard Fired

A preemptive disclaimer: if you've stumbled upon this page while trying to get tips on how to get a security guard fired, I don't have answers to that (yet). Though I recently did a few searches on this subject.

The current temporary gig is in an old building in the financial district that's seen better days. The elevators are small and antiquated and lurch and stall and, regularly, freefall. But that's not the best bit.

Recently, they ramped up security in the building for some unknown reason. That means everyone gets picture ID badges that they have to flash when they enter, and they've got to sign out of a sign-out book if they make the fatal mistake of leaving the building after 7pm.

The badge flash on entry was not universally enforced, which would have been one thing. It seems the security guard on the morning shift just randomly selects guys to harass every day.

This morning, I got in line to wait for the next death-trap elevator and the security guard approached me. I expected him to make a simple gesture with his hand, indicating the rectangular shape of an ID badge; or maybe use words to articulate some semblance of the phrase, "Would you show me your building ID, sir?"

No. This fucking monkey-suited security guard steps right up to me and just edges closer and closer, as if he were about to initiate some kind of fight. I'm ready to show him my ID. I'm waiting for him to give me a basic prompt. But he gives me nothing except this slow, brainless, stink-eyed fighter stance. As if he were trained as a fucking junkyard dog. Though he gives me ZERO prompt, I take out my ID and flash it to him, and he immediately backs away... but WTF? Who hired this animal? And how can I get him fired? Or at least contribute to a pile of complaints filed against him. I've got a few months of this dickbaggery to deal with, after all.

So I do some rudimentary searches on the building and immediately come across a crime case from just a few years ago.

Excerpt from NYT article, July 18, 2009:

An elevator operator was ordered held without bail on Saturday in the killing of a cleaning woman whose body was found bound and gagged in an air-conditioning duct in the Lower Manhattan office building where they both worked.

Who fucking vets the employees at this fucking building?

10,313 Steps

My iPod has a pedometer. I walked to my gig in the financial district this morning, from my mid-town apartment.

10,313 steps.
410 calories.

Walked home from work.

Total steps today:
21,445.
862 calories.

That's with taking a slight detour on the way home.

What an obscene luxury, to walk to work and back. I could make better time on a bike but there's something great about a leisurely walk down Manhattan. You really get a better sense of the island as a whole.

H.R. Giger Has a Posse

Hans Rudolf "Ruedi" Giger
February 5, 1940 – May 12, 2014H.R. Giger has a posse.

Photoshop Battles

My preferred procrastination subreddit has been /r/photoshopbattles for the past several months. Wednesday night, I spent way too much time making this Taylor Swift as "Michonne" picture; had to look up her ex-boyfriends, had to rip off their lower jaws and arms, wrap them in chains.


My "LOOPER" pics. I don't think there's a premise that's more perfect for Photoshop. The LOOPER premise is why Photoshop exists.

And this one's just a cheap gag. TGIF, lurkers. Say hello to your mother for me.

New York State Office of Unclaimed Funds

Nick Gaffney told me about this site, so credit/blame can go toward him.

Search for Lost Money

Nick managed to get some money through this. My experience is TBD. If they find some unclaimed money for you, they don't tell you how much you're getting; you just have to wait for it.

Worth checking out. It's endorsed by Nick Gaffney so it's gotta be legit!

First Look: Adam Driver's Costume for Star Wars Episode VII

Looks sensational. I can't wait!