How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love L.A.

Long overdue trip to Los Angeles and, after many delays, it came together so suddenly I wasn't quite ready.

I rented a car. There, I said it.

Three years ago, I was in L.A. under very different circumstances. Paramount footed the entire bill. First class flight, car service from the airports, posh hotel suite. I was only there for a few days, I was only taking meetings at Paramount and Platinum Dunes for a project I was already hired on. The executive at Paramount was insistent on not letting me rent a car. "How many years has it been since you've driven...? There's no way you're driving here. Take taxis, you'll get reimbursed: you're a New Yorker, we all get it."

This trip was different. I was gonna be there for over a week. My round-trip (coach) ticket was paid for by a producer, but I was gonna be crashing on couches and footing my own expenses. I was there to pitch a new project (CADAVERS), so I had to be in salesman mode. I'd just read this Slate article about Hollywood's perception of non-drivers as losers. So, I was all like fuck it. Fuck all the people who make fun of me for not knowing how to drive. The last time I was behind the wheel of a car might have been 2003, for a very short journey, but I drove around the suburbs growing up. I've got a valid driver's license. Drooling idiots drive all over the place, EVERYONE drives in L.A., I could suck it up and get it done. I'd get a GPS so it'd be just like Grand Theft Auto, following the arrows. I'd been meaning to take a driving refresher class beforehand, but the trip just came together before I could schedule one.  I'd just drive very carefully.

The night before my trip, I was pretty anxious about the whole affair: flying to L.A., driving, pitching, the whole magilla. So I had a few drinks to help me sleep and calm my nerves.

I ended up sleeping through my alarm. Woke up a LOT later than I wanted. Grabbed my shit, hopped a subway to JFK. Being hungover on a long cross-country flight is singularly unpleasant. I was flying Delta, which charges for everything, so all I'd had to eat was a free bag of peanuts. Wheels down at LAX, shuttle to the car rental place...

Driving off the Enterprise lot in my white Hyundai, I quickly realized how unprepared I was for this. Started the car parked in a garage, so the GPS didn't get to sync properly. I thought it would eventually just sync on its own, so I just started driving. The brakes were really sensitive so it took me a while to get acclimated to it... but I had to get acclimated to EVERY aspect of this...

Driving... in Los Angeles... with a GPS that was NOT giving me any proper directions...

I just kept driving blind because it took me a while to find an easy place to pull over and park for a spell. I drove further and further toward God Knows Where, trapped on the road.

Eventually, I found a CVS with a nice suburb-like parking lot. Parked and took a good spell appreciating the sensation of walking on steady pavement.

When I started the car again, the GPS rebooted and synced like it should have. I didn't know you had to restart the fucking Garmin in order to get it to sync.

With the GPS online, I drove to my friends' place in West Hollywood with far less drama. Found a parking space nearby. And made the decision to use the car as little as possible in the week ahead...