How many calories does Santa consume on Christmas Eve?

I was going to do a rough calculation myself but I found this article:

There are about 80 million children under the age of 18 living in the US, according to the Census Bureau. So that means there are about 43 million homes that Santa has to visit.

What is Santa’s calorie intake at each home? The US Department of Agriculture says that a 2-inch diameter chocolate chip cookie has, on average, 50 calories, and a cup of 2% milk contains 120 calories. Assuming Santa consumes 2 cookies and a cup of milk at each stop, that’s 220 calories a pop.

Multiply that by the number of households with kids, that’s about 9.5 billion calories Santa eats in just one night of delivering toys in the United States. To put that in perspective, this would be the same as a normal 2500-calorie-a-day diet for over 10 thousand years!

Hell, let's say just 1% of those families with children leave out milk and cookies: that's about 95 million calories in a night.

Do you know what that means, boys and girls?

That's right. DEATH. Surefire, inescapable cessation of life. Just because "Santa" felt compelled to be polite and sample your little fucking courtesy snack. Honestly, children: for shame.

The alternative logic being that he doesn't actually exist. So, who would be eating the cookies and milk you leave out on Christmas Eve...?

That's easy: MONSTERS.

Horrifying, unknowable monsters that will now associate little children with "food".

Sweet dreams!