(((oregon interlude)))

wednesday. another week and i'll be back in nyc, worrying over bills and everything else that matters.

there are times on this trip when it seems to come together. hanging out with mom and sis, finding the right frequency for everyone. portland's a grand place with a lot of fun things to do... if you're with the right people...

i like trying out neat food finds when i travel. my mom prefers to cook meals at home. or go to places where she can order bland meals because she has digestive problems. this is killing me because i'm stuck here for FAR TOO LONG and yet i may have trouble fitting in everything i want to try (which isn't even a lot) because my mother would rather us eat toasted pita bread at home.

the days are long and absurd. this morning, i sneaked out to the little apartment complex gym while everyone else was getting themselves together. later in the day, my mother completely misunderstood instructions my sister had given her and she started feeding unopened mail into the auto-shredder. this led to one of the disconcertingly more frequent moments when my sister and i started seeing our mother as a little child rather than... our mother.

i started helping mom cook dinner tonight and at a certain point she asked me to cook the entire thing because she liked what i was doing. this should have been a nice moment but it just made me feel worse. cooking is the one thing she should be able to do without effort.

moments ago, i was getting ready to sleep when mom dropped by. she started speculating on what else we could prepare for dinner during this trip. she actually started telling me a recipe for some dish she made once and... god help me, i just couldn't care less...

who is this woman? how am i a product of her?

i should let go and give up on this trip. fucking surrender to the hope of doing anything i really would like to do while i'm out here. i am trying to keep it together but i am feeling restless and ill-tempered.

today, my mother asked my sister if her husband minds that we're staying this long... and i nearly lost it.

"you're just thinking about that NOW??!" i exclaimed. "we're here for TWELVE DAYS!! that's SUCH a long time!!!"

i'm losing it. can't you tell?

being with family makes me feel even more alone than when i'm actually alone.