World without Malice

Where did July go?

This blog has been overrun with a lot of frivolous entries lately. They're easier to publish and they keep the tone nice and frothy but here's a straight entry to mix things up.

Pennies are being placed on the eyelids of July and I'm left contemplating what 2009 has become for me. Spin-machine powered down, 2009 has been a bizarre, blind-folded race. I really hoped I'd have more accomplished by this point and, to be honest, it kills me that I'm about to head to Oregon for almost two weeks because it's just about THE WORST time for it. Way too much goddamn time to be away. Way too much goddamn time to be spending with family. My mother's moving down in Florida in October and she wants to spend some time with her kids and I am ONLY doing it to make her feel better...

... and yet I'm afraid I'm going to be fucking pissed off the entire time.

I'm going in negative and I'm trying to fight that. I just can't pretend to be the sweet son that my mother wants. My mother gets on my nerves really easily, and I can fight that for a few hours, or maybe for a few days with careful planning... but TWELVE FUCKING DAYS?! In a small apartment filled with cats??? I'm going crazy just thinking about this...

PURE DREAD.

I'm annoyed and pissed off and this is probably the last time I'm gonna see my mom and sis for a really long time. It's a completely pointless trip, entirely too long, I need to be writing and trying to hustle for jobs because I CAN'T AFFORD to do a whole lot of nothing for two weeks in Portland...

Okay. All right.

Fuck it. FUCK IT ALL.

I hate it. I'm annoyed at my mom for guilting me into this bullshit. I'll be in a worse place when I return on the 12th. But I will move past all of this stupid fucking shit because that's what I do.

Wow! This inadvertently turned into a rage-filled rambler! So much ANGER on Misanthropy Central!

Light a candle for me.