i fucked up

sunday was simply awful.

felt like i was improving. the black thoughts seemed like they were starting to lift. they'd been less paralytic over a succession of days.

and then sunday. hated sunday.

all the poison came rushing back.

i do not like writing these blog entries knowing that most people who read them aren't going to get it. some might write me off as cracked, pathetic, or crying out for some kind of pity party.

but sometimes, this blog is only for me and what i need to vent about.

i am sick. i hate being here. i hate thinking these thoughts. i hate beating myself up. i hate destroying myself. i know this wasn't my fault. i just can't stop the war in me...