peace of mind

i haven't been well.

i wept in front of my mother yesterday. she came to the city to have lunch with me. she noted that i had barely eaten anything at lunch. i told her my appetite has been low. and then i broke down and cried.

i didn't cry in front of her when my wife walked out on me. i don't remember the last time i wept in front of my mother. i've always tried to shield her from my pain.

i was too weak and tired to put on the act. i couldn't pretend that i was fine.

i feel gutted. physically and emotionally. trying to get on my feet again. trying to take care of myself.

the weather is not good for me right now. the cold and the gray and the wet messy streets. it pains me. it just makes things worse.

i need to get stronger. i need to hit the ground running in the new year. i need to find some success in the new year.

i just need some peace of mind. just a good stretch of peace. i'm falling apart too much. 2008 was such a troublesome year for me, in hindsight. for all the promise and promises, nothing paid off. year's closing and i'm heartbroken and demoralized. i stumble back and forth between a sense of stability and a sense of overwhelming chaos.

help