you can have whatever you like

progress made. progress lost. stumble through the week in a slurred stupor. no one understands how painful this is for me; the pain makes people uncomfortable, which is more isolating. if i could just get over it, i would.

everyone doesn't go through this. everyone hasn't felt what i'm feeling right now. it's a fact.

thursday night, dinner and drinks for one at the pub. been having a hard time eating but it's a lot easier when i'm being served. and drinking. brought a book with me that my therapist recommended, called "letting go" (wanderer/cabot).

started seeing this therapist last week, to help me through this. older woman, which gave me some pause up front, but she's been good to talk to. got excited when she gave me the name of this book that's supposed to assist you in "letting go" after a breakup.

dove into it. problem being, the book was written/published in the late-70s. terribly dated. no cell phones, no internet, no home computers. it assumes you live in a house with multiple rooms. that women stay at home and men have careers. i started reading in earnest and then i started bookmarking the crazier passages.

pg. 64,

"a glass of wine or even recreational drugs like marijuana can help you relax. don't use drugs or booze if you feel depressed, only if you're horny."

this is real.

"if it seems as if every time you have a dream, it's about your ex, don't worry too much. everyone who ever gives up addiction has dreams about it. the alcoholic dreams of booze, the drug addict of heroin, fatties of hot fudge sundaes."

i'm not making this up.

pg. 97,

"aversion treatment is good when unexpected sad thoughts occur...

"actually put a raw egg out in the sun for a day. it'll rot and stink, and the odor will be nauseating. take out the contents of either a benzedrine inhaler or a zippo lighter and refill either one with cotton that's been soaked in the juice of the rotten egg...

"... if you have a sad thought or nostalgic wish, pull out your inhaler and take a sniff... imagine! you'll get nauseous at the thought of your missing lover."

did johnny knoxville and steve-o write this bit?

on meeting up with your ex post-breakup:

pg. 106,

"even if your ex responds favorably to you, it may not mean that he loves you, only that he just closed a big deal and feels generous, warm and loving toward the whole world. or if she is sweet and passive, it could be because she just finished making love with someone else."

fucking hell.

on using and verbalizing fantasies:

pg. 150,

"don't go all over town saying you're going to kill your ex. what if they fall out of a window? you might be an immediate suspect."

well, that's one to grow on.

despite how absurdly out-of-date the book is, i keep plowing through, trying to take what good advice remains. when you're this desperate and lost... well, i'll take anything.