Spider-Man 3 is Just Fucking Awful

Last weekend, I was having a discussion with a friend who was adamant that "Spider-Man 3" isn't that bad.

Not wanting to get too into it, I tried to get him to at least concede that "Spider-Man 3" had a decidedly more MIXED critical reception than the first two "Spider-Man" movies.

Alas, Dave— er, I mean this friend of mine REFUSED TO CONCEDE that it had a more mixed reception than the other movies.

Well, here's an overview of the series, courtesy of review-roundup website Rotten Tomatoes:

Now... I ain't no fancy numbers expert, but it looks like the average scores for the series took a sharp dive from "Spider-Man 2" to "Spider-Man 3". Could it be that my unnamed friend might have been wrong?

For the record, I think the first one's the strongest overall. The second one's overrated, but still works.

I hated the third one when I saw it in the theater. And I hated it even more when I watched it again on Blu-Ray. A few neat sequences don't make it good if those sequences weren't earned. And they ain't.

Peter Parker cries too much in it, and looks like a fucking pussy when he does. (The audience I saw it with kept LAUGHING AT HIM, and deservedly so.) Sandman has a cool origin scene, but what the fuck is his character's motivation? His little girl is sick... so he has to rob banks? So he's a reluctant enemy, right? But then he joins forces with Venom in a jarringly tacked-on scene. And then he's remorseful for killing Peter's uncle? I've got a good idea: why don't we have Sandman cry before he leaves so that everyone gets to be a bit of a pussy in this one?

What about the scenes of Mary Jane in the most boring Broadway musical ever? Peter showing how evil he is by dancing jazz? How about the riveting scene where Mary Jane and Harry Osborne cook an omelet? (I've seen more drama and sexual tension on the fucking FOOD NETWORK!)

How should we end it? Jazz club dance sequence. Yep, that's Spider-Man.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's the superhero movie that just doesn't give a shit!

I HATED HATED HATED HATED HATED THIS MOVIE.

(And I am not alone in this.)