That Zooey Entry

A while back, I decided to finally get around to watching WEEDS and I really started to—


Oh.

Oh, hello, Zooey. I didn't realize that YOU were going to be on WEEDS.

I'm sorry, what was that...?

You want us to be boyfriend-girlfriend? And hold hands? And share all our hopes and dreams? And do super-cool stuff together?

And the only thing I need to do... is kill innocent people in your name?

Those hypnotic eyes...

That mischievous smile...

That luscious, milky complexion...

I would bludgeon baby seals for you, baby...

I'm prepared to do whatever I need to do to prove my obsession to you.

How many has Jason Schwartzman killed for you?

What? You say he hasn't even offered...??

Yes, I agree. It's unacceptable.

Let's face it: it's downright despicable.

Just tell me who needs to die.

Do you want me to kill Jason Schwartzman?

Tell me how many I need to slaughter.

I'd chainsaw-massacre all of Texas, just for one of your creamsicle-flavored kisses.

Why must all my celebrity crushes end in spree-killings?! In the name of God, WHY!!!

xxx
It's Misanthropy Central. I'm Malice Highload.

This week on our blog:

Loneliness in Five Acts.