trent reznor says how i feel

appy-polly-gees for the neglect in entry-making here. i haven't even been super-busy @ work this week, i've just been in a class. (geography.)

i suppose i should mention that somebody dropped some toy grenades filled with gunpowder at the UK consulate on 3rd avenue around 3:35am. heard it on the mourning news. it's not too far from where i work; thought it might fuck up my commute. it didn't.

now, my blog is "timely".

my last entry implied things i don't think are completely accurate. i was originally going to write a long entry but i didn't get to finish and i just wanted to post something. my life's in the shitter now, true. my life's been in the shitter before. (usually when i eat cheap indian food.) thing is, it's a long journey. and i got shit to get done before they feed me to the pigs.

i don't talk about my own work on this site much, but last night i was watching the DVD of the reading i had last year. of what was essentially my first full-length play. "The Butcherhouse Chronicles." the reading itself had loads of problems, which i became intimately familiar with by poring over the footage this past year -- but i worked hard to polish it up as much as i could. it's still flawed and rough around the edges... but with all the dust cleared away, i could see that it says something. it's raw and personal in a way i probably couldn't have acheived if i tried to write straight autobiography. i'm really bad at selling myself because i wince when i see other people pat themselves on the back, but there's some good work in there. i'm proud of the work i put into it. i'm proud i got it up and managed (with help) to get asses in the seats. and that many people actually seemed to like it.

point is, i'm hard on myself. hard on my own work. i've been writing since i was a little kid. as early as the second grade. this has been a lifelong focus of mine. i may not have been one of those slick kids who catapulted themselves into hollywood right after snatching their college diplomas, but there are many roads to glory. i'm not saying "hollywood" would make me happy.

i'm saying MONEY would make me happy. very fucking happy.

seriously, you need to find out what you want to do in life. doesn't matter if it's just "having a good time" or if it's trying to leave something behind after your bones turn to dust. i don't want this to sound egotistical, but i'd like to leave behind something more than a rotted corpse. a few plays that mean something. a few films that means something. maybe to someone who isn't even born yet.