man on fire

the other day, i made a passing comment about not being able to cry anymore. the first month or two, if the wind blew the wrong way i could cry like a little girl. now, it's harder. like building up an immunity to something. it's like i'm on the verge. i can get myself right there, but it's not so easy to push myself over. this deep, swallowing unhappiness has become a status quo. a baseline. it's hard to go much lower than where i am right now.

just the one drink last night. a little jack on ice, to sand down the rough edges of a wasted life. drifted off to the sounds of U2 of all things...

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass right through you like a ghost
They look for you but your spirit is in the air
Baby...you're nowhere

You say in love there are no rules
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

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Sunrise like a nosebleed
Your head hurts and you can't breathe
You been tryin' to throw your arms around the world
How far you gonna go
Before you lose your way back home?
You've been trying to throw your arms around the world

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There is a silence that comes to a house
Where no one can sleep
I guess it's the price of love
I know it's not cheap

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A little death
Without mourning
No call
And no warning...

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is it only 10am...? can this day be mercy-killed any sooner...?
i cannot wait to end the worst year of my life...