don't try to find me, don't try to pull me out

the apartment is still in a state of tragedy, but i think i'll be able to get it into a serviceable state by the time mother visits tomorrow. provided she doesn't cancel due to the weather.

thanksgiving was harder to get through than i expected. choked back tears at the dinner table.

"so, you have a girlfriend, malice?"

sad, sheepish, shamed smile. "no."

hard to not hear from her. i can only hope/assume she was with people who care about her.

i had the best 2 nights of sleep i've had in a while, sleeping in the guest bed. i don't know why. maybe because there were no distractions. no reminders. big comfortable bed. the quiet of jersey.

feel all rotten inside today. smoked too much, drank too much last night. need to be gentle on my system today. mustn't be too strung out for mom's visit tomorrow. have to pull myself together so my mom doesn't end up worrying as much as she should.