And I didn't. But in a way, I never stopped chasing her.
Years later, I met a girl who reminded me of that earlier girl. She directly resembled her. But now, I was a lot more experienced and I hooked up with her. It felt like getting another chance at that wasted year. Reliving it but learning from my mistakes.
When that relationship petered out, I wasn't looking to replicate it.
I did, of course. I never actively sought to replicate it but it happened.
There are certain women I find myself drawn to, despite knowing they may be toxic to me. It speaks to some profound issues and being aware of them is half the battle, I suppose. I never thought I ever had a specific "type"... but I realize, at this later stage, that I do have a weakness. Hard to define precisely (or perhaps I just don't want to publish it here), but there is a certain type that makes me physically weak. Not any one race or physical type... but when she's in front of me, I know it. I can smell it. I can feel it. It feels like a knife wrenching in my stomach.
I imagine most (or many) have, perhaps, an unconscious weakness. An Achilles Mate they end up pursuing again and again, defined by certain traumas from childhood. A pattern that develops because they are unconsciously seeking to replicate a negative scenario... with the hope of changing the outcome.