Saturday, March 30, 2013


I can't seem to escape delays. I am perennially playing the waiting game with career news and even these money gigs I've been doing for the past year: every one of them has suffered delays. Start dates pushed — one week, two weeks, two more weeks, two more weeks. In some ways, I don't mind the money gigs getting pushed. I miss not being tethered to a 9-5 gig. That's always been the dream. A dream I maintained for a few precious years. Close to my soul and yet so far away; I'm going to go back there someday.

I've sacrificed a lot in the pursuit of this career. Been forced to downsize my living situation, not going out as often, not eating hot meals as regularly. I haven't traveled in ages. There are a lot of basic things that regular people enjoy — things I see evidence of on Facebook every day! — that I... just... don't... do. Not anymore. Not in a while, in any case. And the only way i think i get through it is by believing, "This is all temporary." I'm trying to accomplish something that I dreamed of as a child. And I was sooo close to having it all a few years ago. But whatever I've sacrificed, whatever I'm currently sacrificing: it's only for now. Like going hungry for a night or not sleeping. It's not like you're never going eat again or sleep again. You do what you have to do to survive. A better life is simply... deferred for a little while.

These days, these years, they'll keep me grounded. I will look back in awe at what I lived through, what I lived with, what I lived without. I will tell anecdotes that will make friends shake their heads and laugh; and I'll be able to laugh because it'll be so far away from where I will be.

Right now, though, I'm not laughing. These are the days I clench my jaws and try to map out short term and long term goals. It's a war campaign.


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