Drunk Texting

Drunk text messaging is a technological progression from "drunk dialing"—which itself was a phenomenon that exploded with the ubiquity of cell phones. (It existed before then, obviously: at one of my first jobs out of college, this inebriated closeted coworker called me at home—feeling compelled to inform me of how great my ass was—and tried to get me to guess who he was and how he got my number. It was Bruce, by the way.)

With mobile phones, you get drunk at a bar and you've got this device in your pocket that gives you access to everyone you know in the world. Including exes and crushes. (It usually seems to involve matters of the heart.)

What's so charming about drunk texting is that it requires additional dexterity and thought. Drunk communication in any form is an expression of deeper feelings that most people are too restrained to express when sober. One of the many magical properties of alcohol is that it can temporarily block out FEAR: of rejection, of judgment, of failure. Thus freeing you to say things that you've been wanting to say. Maybe even things you didn't know you wanted to say. Texting forces you to type these thoughts on a cramped keyboard, which necessitates more focus and consideration. And it leaves some damning evidence for you to reckon with while you're honoring your hangover the morning after.

I somehow manage to NEVER text exes/crushes. (Like I don't negotiate with terrorists: it's just my policy.) I'll text friends and write some truly goofy shit... but somehow, even when I'm plastered out of my gourd, I maintain enough mental wherewithal to avoid texting anyone I might have "a thing for". We're talking about a Jedi Master Level of drinking conduct that's taken years to attain through trial and error.

Of course, it helps to periodically clear your phone of numbers you shouldn't be holding onto. Preemptively saves you from that lonely point in the alcohol binge when you're scrolling through your contact list just looking for trouble...