I Hate "New York"

New York magazine is crap. This is not an endorsement for it.

But I admit to being amused by their "New York Diet" series, where they get celebs to discuss their NYC eating habits over a stretch of time.

Because if you know me, there is nothing I like better than to pore over the molecular routines of people with more friends than me...

David Cross
Andrew W.K.
Michael Showalter
Leonard Lopate?! (You can eat shit for all I care...!)

And then, there is Novelist Gary Shteyngart and his pretty Asian girlfriend...

I don't wanna go on a rant here—I know a lot of Asian girls prefer to date white guys because they like fulfilling stereotypes and hate their fathers—I get it. We ALL get it. But could they be a little more selective?

I mean, really. Don't date Asian guys. I'm cool with that. Clearly, we're all a bunch of ticking time-bombs. Why risk it—am I right, ladies?

But do your standards for white men have to be so pitiably low? You're doling out some absurd handicap points to a lot of cracker-ass dorks.

They don't deserve it. And you deserve better.

(Except for those of you who don't—you know who you fucking are.)

There, I said it. You made me say it.

xXxXx

And for those who care...

... the latest draft of my script was very well-received. "A huge leap forward", says The Man.

The exec's flying to NYC and I'm meeting with him Wednesday morn, to go through fine-tuning.

And then what happens...?

I dust off my shit-list and start striking off names...

GAME ON, BITCHES.

xXxXx

Click here for the reason never to have children...