dark regions

this has been a black weekend. i don't know what happened. nothing happened. perhaps that is what happened. i wrote a blog entry two days ago that i didn't post. yesterday, i used a discount ticket ($7.50) to watch two movies -- "Assault on Precinct 13" and "Million Dollar Baby". I saw them at the movie theater at Battery Park. I had never been there before. It was okay and it was perfect for sneaking. I liked both movies. I liked Million Dollar Baby because I could cry in the dark and nobody thought it was strange. i probably will not buy million dollar baby on dvd because i think it's stupid. at the end, i was left with the feeling of, "well what was that for?" but it gave me an excuse to cry, and i liked it up to a point, and so that is okay. i hope martin scorsese kills it with "the aviator". if "the aviator" wins its oskars, then there is still hope in the world. if "million dollar baby" wins, there is no hope. this is called 'magical thinking'.

didn't have anybody to talk to this weekend. i cycled through my cell phone and couldn't find anyone. thought about calling steph, but thought she might call 911 and i didn't feel like freaking her out. i think being put in a hospital would be the worst thing for me right now. the health care system in this country is fucking fucked. it's all wrong. i am broken and there is no where to be repaired.

people will read this and think, well, he's gone off the deep end, it's malice being malice, i don't get it, he's nuts. but consider, for a moment, that he's not. that he's fighting for his life. that this is the biggest fight of his life thus far. that this isn't petty. that this isn't just 'his problem'. that this really does not make sense. that he is in great physical and spiritual pain. that 'letting this go' might be a death in itself.

well, i'm still standing. i wonder if she reads this. wonder if she takes it as me guilting her. wonder if she takes it as me being selfish. wonder if she understands how much i've fought to come this far. wonder if she appreciates how much she left behind. wonder if she appreciates how much i did for her.

five months. coming on six. running out of places to turn. i'm fighting. no matter what anyone thinks or doesn't understand. come what may, i'm fighting.