Dear Fellow Americans,

So, we officially have a crack-smoking squatter in our apartment building. He's set himself up on the landing between the 4th floor (where we live) and the rooftop. I guess he's been here a while -- one of our roommates actually went up there a few weeks ago, had a talk with him about how he can't stay there, even fixed him some coffee and an egg sandwich...

Well, i guess it's the same reason you're not supposed to feed alligators in the wild: they come to associate PEOPLE with FOOD...

I walked up there today and saw that the guy had apparently gotten himself more comfortable. I found a big pillow cushion, a bunch of newspapers, cigarette butts, backpack, a folded-up sidewalk scooter and literally about a dozen soda and liquor bottles filled with urine (or what I am going to assume is urine...). I did NOT see any crack pipes, though someone else has seen one up there before.

Our super apparently KNOWS this guy from way back, and is sympathetic. Supposedly, the guy actually has an apartment around the corner from here, even has a daughter -- he may have been kicked out. Anyway, the story's complicated and stupid and we're just trying to figure out how to get this resolved because our landlord's being as unhelpful as possible. (This squatter guy may or may not be the fucker responsible for stealing everyone's mail in the building, but that is another story.)

In any case, I e-mailed FOX NEWS Problem Solvers, about our mail theft issue. Though, from the looks of it, there may actually be material for at least 3 different news segments for the problems in this building.

And I'm still recovering from my cold...