Hart to Hart of Darkness
Remember how obnoxious it was when I posted all 200 questions of a Scientology Personality Test a few years ago...?
This is all the dialogue from one episode of "Hart to Hart", with no stage directions or context:
No... That's not bad. That one. Men are so difficult to buy things for sometimes. A pipe is such a personal thing -- darling, which one do you think? Huh? Uh... I don't think so. Oh... THAT. Perfect. Perfect. Great. All right, George, we'll have this one. Can't go wrong, Mrs. Hart, this is our finest model. Your father will be very happy. I hope so. Is he still at Briarwood in Maryland? Yes. Now, you just fill this in, I'll see that that pipe gets mailed off to him right away! Thank you. George, do you have any cigars? I didn't know you were into cigars! Oh, it's not for me, it's for Max. I thought we'd get him a bon voyage smoke for his vacation. Ah yes. That is a nice pipe, darling. These are from the Negril area of Jamaica. The finest. All right. We'll take those. And do you have something else that's maybe, uh... very special? I think I have just the thing. Perhaps the finest cigars in the world. A friend sent them from Canada. Canada... I didn't know they made cigars in Canada. Hm... they're Cuban pleasures. They're what you might call the Lafite of cigars. Ahh, that sounds good! Take a sniff of that. Mm, nice! Why do they smell so bad when they're burning? Actually, you'll find that a cigar of this quality has a reather pleasant aroma. Oh. How come these don't come in one of those metal tubes? Interestingly enough, the really good ones don't. But I'll fix this one up for traveling. Unless, of course, you'd like the whole box? Ah, I don't think we want to contribute to Max's bad habits. Just one, George. Three coffees, coming up. Cafe a la Max! Oh that's wonderful! Great, Max. Look at that! I thought I'd give ya a surprise. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Darling. Mm, that is really good. And now... WE... have a surprise. Now? Now. Max, that is a round-trip first-class ticket to Las Vegas, plus five days at the presidential suite at Caesars Palace Hotel. Gee. Thanks. And also... Oh, and also... we have a very special surprise for you from the smoke shop. You like it? Mm, this is great: a Cuban special! I haven't had one of these since Carmen and I cha-cha'ed the Caribbean! NO. I'm not going to use this until after my killing. When I light up this victory cigar, everyone will know the game is over and I've won. Well, in that case, Max, we wish you a lotta luck! How'd you know I was going to Vegas? I didn't say nuttin. You always go to Vegas this time of year. Monday morning you leave at exactly 8:30. And you stay precisely five days. Your life is like an open book, Max. You're predictable, don't you know that? Me predictable? Just like the sunrise. Monday night you'll call and ask about Freeway. Tuesday night you'll call and ask about Freeway and me. And Wednesday you'll call and ask about Freeway, Jennifer and me. Yeah, I do that, don't I? You certainly do. But that's only three nights! What about the last night? The last night. The last night, you always call and ask about an advance on your paycheck. You're very set in your ways. Yeah? What about yesterday when you and I went shopping and I got that mad craving for ice cream? Ah. You want me to guess? Mm hm. You asked for... pistachio covered with chocolate sauce and peanuts... right? Well I'm gonna pack! Well, I supposed I didn't have to tell you that -- you knew that, too! Do you think we overdid it? I think he's a little upset. I think he'll be all right, he'll cool down when he gets to Vegas. "Predictable", huh? Sure, I'm predictable! Where would we be without routine? Nowhere, right? I can't see anything wrong with a well-ordered life. Do you? "Predictable." All that time, I thought my life was in a groove. Now it turns out it's just a RUT! Max, it's time you took charge of your life! Hello? This is Max. Put Freddy on the phone. Ahh, the smell of pancakes wafting in the air. Uh, darling, go easy on me, will ya? I'm trying to cut down. How about cutting out altogether? Cutting out altogether? No, no. Monday is my day to have pancakes. I always have pancakes on Monday morning. I know, I know, Max left me all the menus but I cannot find the pancake mix. You don't think that Max might have hidden the mix to get back at us for ribbing him, do you? For telling him that he was predictable? Yeah. Nahh. He wouldn't do that! He knows how important your pancake fix is to you on Monday mourning. Yeah, you're right. Why would I think something like that? That's... Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we take a spin down to Larry's and have a little breakfast? They have wonderful pancakes! Well, not as good as Max's but one has to be adaptable. I think I'll have blueberry. Mm, blueberry! Milton Charles here, United States Health Department. It's imperative I see Jonathan Hart right away. Mr. Hart? Right. Uh, Milton Charles, Health Department. How do you do? What can I do for you? I'm afraid it's rather serious. This is my wife Jennifer. How do you do? This Mr. Charles. Oh, Mr. Charles, would you sit down? Please. I'm afraid your life is at stake. My life is at stake? How? You were in George Weisenkopf's tobacco store on Saturday? Yes, we were. Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, Mr. Weisenkopf died last night. How terrible. What happened? He smoked a lethal cigar. A lethal cigar? A portion of the crop of tobacco used to make that cigar was sprayed with a lethal pesticide. Unfortunately, in some instances we arrive too late. For your apparent good health, I've gotten here in time. Jonathan. For my apparent good health but, uh... I bought that as a present for the man who works for us and, uh... he has the cigar. Where is he? He's in Las Vegas. He must have checked in by now. I think we're fairly safe because, uh... he was gonna use it for a special kind of a... celebration -- he was gonna treat himself to this cigar if he won, he likes to... turn a card. As long as you understand the seriousness -- this stuff is ruthless. Drowsiness, coma. The chemical attacks the central nervous system, once that's underway-- Can we call him? Yes. Right now. Is there an antidote? If we catch them in time. Look what I found on the desk. "Play me." Hiya, Mr. and Mrs. H. I been thinking it over and you two were right! I AM in a rut!! So I decided I am going to Vegas this year. I'm going to give up the desert for the sheltering palms. Thanks to you, I'm going to experience something unpredictable! Oh yeah, Mr. H: thanks again for the cigar. It's verrry classy! I gotta hunch it's really gonna change my luck! Oh my god. I'm afraid your friend is going to need all the luck he can get. Right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, thank you very much, I'd appreciate it. Well, the police are going to put an all points bulletin out for him but they're not very encouraging. Well, maybe someone in Max's phone book will be able to help us. You know something interesting, almost everyone in here is a woman. Well, Max likes to live dangerously. Oh, the automechanic called: he said Max took the stationwagon in for a tune-up before he left. He said he always takes it in before he goes to Las Vegas. That means he didn't take the car so he must've flown. Which means he could be anywhere. AND smoking that cigar. Not before breakfast, darling. What's that? Oopsa Daisy Florist. Yesterday. That's worth a shot, what's the number? "555-2842". Four dozen roses. Hello. This is Jonathan Hart. Yeah, that's right, Max works for us. Yesterday, he sent some flowers. It's very important that I know where he sent them. Thank you -- she's looking it up in the book. Yes. A Miss Mayerling. 140 La Mesa. Santa Barbara. Right, thanks-- what's that? How is Max enjoying Vegas? You know that he goes there this time of year. Right, thank very much. Everybody knows he went to Vegas but Max. "Mayerling." Do you recall Max ever having a friend called Mayerling? Never. How much farther? About an hour, I think. Hey! You wanna kill yourself?! Put that damn thing out. I'm sorry. Blow us ALL up. Lucky this is one of my regular smokes and not my lucky cigar! You'd be even luckier if you gave those things up. I didn't know this was an office visit, doctor. Mind filling it up? Sure. Which way is the nursery? Half mile up the road. On your left. You know, I can't says I'd peg you for the gardening type. You got something to do with that flower show next week? You could say that. I'm planning to come out smelling like a rose. Uh hunh. Where's your, uh...? Where's my what? OH, it's around the corner. Cain't miss it. Hi there. Hiya. Fill it up, will ya? Sure thang. Want me to check under that hood? Oh, that's okay just the gas. Sure. All right, there ya go, mister. That'll be $15.40. Here you are. All right. Wha-- what, yer-yer change! S'okay, keep it. Well, hey, THANK YOU! All set? Yep, that'll cost ya $8.10. There's... eight dollars... and ten cents exactly. Thanks. Whaddaya want? I came to see the Pace Board exhibit. Good luck. Hey Max! Over here! All right! Glad ya could make it, Max. You're lookin' good! Lookin' good. Here we go. I think you know some of the guys. Roarin' Tommy Ferrell. Hi, Max! Hiya, Tommy! You and I played together in Atlantic City a few years back. That's right, yeah. Howya doin', Tommy? Not so good, I've been getting hands that look like FEET! Heheheh. This is Mickey. Hiya, Mickey. How are ya, Max? Gary. Long time, Max. Haven't seen you since Vegas back in '75. That's right. This is Arthur. Hiya, Max. Hi, Arthur, nice to meet you. Nice meeting you. And this here... this here is Big Sam. Charmed to make your acquaintance. Well, thank you, I hope you feel the same after the game. Hahaha. Gary here's the one who organized this little party. Watching the nursery for my brother-in-law. Lucky my bookie gave me Dave's number. Hey Max, you just caught me walking out the door. I rode up last night with Roarin' Tommy. I wanna tell you, that's TWO HOURS of "Irish Eyes Are Smiling" -- off-key! HAHAHA! Hey, what is this, a tea party? Come on, come on, ya gonna deal or not? We better not keep Mickey waiting; after all, his poker-playing is gonna put my kids through college. Ho ho! No more, buddy, no more! We got fresh blood in the game now! Yeah, there he is! Real transfusion! Let me have five hundred bucks worth of chips. Lemme see how long THAT lasts. Your luck's runnin' like mine, about five minutes. Hehehehehehe. That a look at that heater, willya? This guy must be real flush! I've heard about these. That hadda set you back a sawbuck. At least! This is my victory heater. I don't light this up til I cleaned all you guys out. Including the lady. HAHAHAHA. I don't see anything that looks like a dance studio. This is La Mesa. There it is. One Four Oh Ariska Mayerling Dance Studio. Now I remember when I heard that name. She used to dance with the Russian ballet. Preparation One, Two, Three, Four! Battement! Battement fondu. Stretch! Feet, feet, feet, point feet! Fondu. Stretch arms. Stretch! And arabesque. Hold, hold. Terribly sorry to disturb your class. I'm Jennifer Hart, this is my husband Jonathan. Oh! Jonathan Hart, yes. Max has spoken of you both so often. How is dear Max? We were hoping you could tell us. Has he run away? Uh... not really. You might say we've misplaced him. Ah. Yes, I think oft-times myself the same thing, excuse me. Girls--please--stretch! Misplaced him, I mean. Oh, yes. He's very special. He is to us, too. And he may be in terrible danger. How may I be of help to you? The flowers that he sent to you. Oh, Max is always sending me flowers, but I have been away--in Europe. Next week, I have a birthday. Few days, we have performance. All kinds of reasons why Max would send flowers. He is very dear. I'm sorry, I don't know where he might be. We'll go back into town and check on some of his regular stops. Thanks very much. Please, Mr. Hart. Find him. He trusts you with his life, you know? I know. Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Hart. What?! I understand. Is Max dead? Oh--! As far as we can tell, Mr. Hart, your friend fell asleep at the wheel just before the car crashed. Police couldn't find his wallet. Well, they traced your name and address through the rental forms in the car. If it's any consolation to you, from my years of experience, he didn't suffer any pain. Death was... well, he probably never even woke up. Uh, Mr. Hart, only one person is required to identify the body... if you'd like-- Thanks. Sure. Darling, you wait here, I'll be right back. No, no, I'll go with you. That's not Max. It could be a straight flush. And it could be a flush. Or a straight. And it could be nothin'. Come on, come on! Are we gonna play cards or are we gonna play cards? I don't think she's bluffin', Max. I'm out. I think she's bluffing, I'm in. So bet already! Look, Sam, I been waiting all night to smoke my victory heater, I think I got a chance now so gimme some time to think it over. Too bad about Dave tappin' out so early. Hope he makes it okay in the fog. Well, it's nice he could drive Max's car down and turn it in for him. You know, he's a nice guy. Doing me a favor, he saved me a week's rental. Money you could be betting even as we speak. All right. I'll see your fifty... and I'll bump ya a hundred. I call yer hundred... and BUMP YOU A HUNDRED. I was afraid of that. Okay, I'll see, I got a straight to the ace. Sorry it had to be you, Max, but I really have it. A gorgeous, blushing flush. I almost had a royal flush. Maybe I'll smoke ya after the next hand. Come on, mix em up and deal! Mr. Hart, Mrs. Hart, sorry to keep you waiting so long but we just had a positive ID on the body. Who is he? Name's Dave Rider. Name ring a bell? Lived alone. No family, no relatives. It's all we have to go on. We're no closer to Max than we were this morning. Sorry, we're doing everything we can. Well, thanks again, Lieutenant. And again, I'm sorry. Maybe I should make us some omelets. Oh, no thanks, darling. You know that Max made me my first omelet? He did? He even taught me how to hold my fork right. Wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here. I know. You remember how I told you when we first met -- when he dragged me outta that bar when the police were coming in the front? Yeah. He helped me open up my first bank account. He knocked my ears back when I made a withdrawal to bet on a horse. You shoulda seen the expression on his face... when I bought that bank. Aw, that was something. He took me to my first ballet. I didn't know that. He said, "Hey, listen kid, you gotta experience everything. And besides, those dames got legs that won't quit!" Ohhh. What a man. What a man. Well, as Max would say, don't play all your cards until the bets are made. And if we hadn't kidded him so much about being predictable, he'd still be safe. That's it. What? "Predictable." Predictable! Why didn't I see that? See what? We're not thinking like Max. He's not off doing something else. He's off doing the same thing SOMEWHERE else! Of course! He even said so on the tape! Something about the cigar bringing him luck. He still intends to gamble. Reno. Tahoe. No. Doesn't like the snow, too cold. Atlantic City. Too far. A local game. It could be anywhere. We'll just have to narrow the odds. How? Freddy. His bookie, Freddy. He'll know where the action is. You know him? No, I don't, I mean Freddy's always been like a telephone to me. But one day, Max took me by his place because he had to pick up some harvest. I think I can remember where that is. Let's try it. Right. King high. Bet. Fifty. I'm out. I'll see. Pair of kings! Hah, I knew it! Lousy jacks. I don't know about you guys but I'm really beat. Yeah, me too. Hey, let's call it a night, huh? You mean a morning. How bout a mercy round for the losers? We've already had five of those. I'm with Tommy. I haven't had a decent hand all night. One more, hunh? Seven card stud, no limit, everybody got a chance. No limit? No limit. Max, you're my kinda player. DEAL. Gimme a fresh deck. Freddy. Francussi? Freddy Francussi, please. Mr. and Mrs. Hart! You know who we are? It's good for business. Won't you sit down? Thank you. You're Freddy Francussi? Yes. Somehow, I expected a guy. That was dad. He retired to Florida and left me the business. I'm Freddy Junior. So, not what you expected? No. Computers and data links do most of the work. It's just like art industries. Uh, now were you interested in a particular bet? Football, tennis? The ponies? Polo ponies, of course. We're not interested in making a bet, what we need is some information. We're looking for Max. Well, isn't he at home? He called me late last night looking for some action in the area. I thought he usually went to Vegas this time of year. So did we. Poof-- poker's not my action but I put him onto a guy I know. Who was that? Um... if I give you his number, would you promise me not to tell him where you got it? You have our word. I'd hate to lose his account. His name is Dave Rider. Well, this won't be necessary because... Mr. Rider is dead. Max, if you're in love with those cards you can marry em tomorrow, but for now: BET, hm? You sure know how to get a guy. It's what my Alfie always used to say, may he rest in peace. Well, my pair of fours are high, but I'll check to the possible flush. I'll check. Possible flush bets a hundred. I'm in. You in? Too rich for my blood. I'm in. Well, I don't believe you. I'll see that hundred... and raise it a hundred. That's two hundred to you. I'll see the two hundred. And raise two hundred. That's three hundred to you. I'll see it. You in? I'm in. Three hundred to you. I'm in. I'll see ya. All right, now down and dirty. Yeah, make mine dirty. Whatsa matter, Max, you got heartburn? Not only I got heartburn, I got club-burn, diamond-burn and spade-burn. Oh. Well, my pair of fours are still high. I'll bet a hundred. I'll call your hundred and raise two hundred. That's three hundred to you. I know it. I can count. You? I came to play. I'm in, like two hundred. I'll see it. Pot's ripe. Full boat, aces over queens. HAH. Wow. Thank you, gentlemen and ladies. Just a second. Four little drawers. Ah hah. Wow. Now the heater? Now. You've earned it, Max. Allow me, Max. A big smoke for a big winner. Get a whiff of that, lady and gentlemen. That is known as the sweet smell of success. That's our only link to Max. I hope the mileage can tell us something. Hope so, too. Twenty three thousand one fifty six. That's about 40 miles. Well, we're about 20 miles from L.A. so that leaves 20 miles in another direction. One way or another. That's too big an area. Look at this. The Blue Lagoon Motel. It's a longshot. Even longshots have got a chance. Cheers, Max. Here's to ya, ya lucky bum. Cheers. Ho ho ho, you're lucky. You were right about that cigar. $3500, count em. Eh, that's okay. Whoa -- you all right, Max? Me? Sure. A lil sleepy. S'past my bedtime. It's past yesterday's bedtime, hehe. Hey listen, before we break up, you want some breakfast? Nah, thanks, Mickey, I'll take a pass. I'm headed straight for my motel. Listen, why'n't you take my car, huh? I'll get a ride from one of the guys. Be careful, though, it's not paid for, yet. Heheh. Look, Mickey, we got the rest of the week. Tonight you get lucky and win yourself a Rolls Royce. Oh, sure, HAHAHA. Well, see you fellas later in the afternoon. Hey! You almost forgot your cigar. Your lucky cigar. That's right, I can't leave without that! This baby made my night! Take it easy, Max. So long, Max. Here it is. He checked in. Then he called back, maybe four, five hours. Said "Save my room" and he was definitely good for the booking. Did he say where he was? Nope. Was there anything about the call that sounded unusual? Like what? Something that might indicate where he is. Just who are you people? He works for us, he's a friend of ours and he's in a lot of trouble. Did he say anything to you or give you any idea of what-- Well, he did say that he was having a good run and if everything worked out, maybe he'd buy the motel. Either he's robbing a bank or he's feeling his beer. Thank you very much. He's obviously tied up in a private game. And winning. Maybe we should try a hotel in town. Why would he play at a hotel in town and stay in a motel out of town? That's reasonable. STOP. Did you see that sign back there? No, I didn't. It said, "The Sheltering Palms Nursery". Max's tape. What did he say? He said, "I'm giving up the desert for the sheltering palms". It's up that road. Hey! COPS! Wait a minute, you don't understand. I understand you're trespassing! Hey look, we got serious business here. You got NO business here! Where's Max? Who? Max! Where is he? You mean you're not the cops? No, we're the Harts. Max works for us, now where is he? Well, he just left as a matter of fact. I loaned him my car. He suddenly got very tired. Did he smoke that cigar? Cigar? Yeah, I gave him a cigar, a special one: did he smoke it? Oh yes, when he went big he lit it up, just like he said he was gonna do. Well, where'd he go? He went to the motel, up on highway 92. 92? What kind of a car was it? Uh, blue Chrysler, four door. We're blocked. Let's borrow that truck. Isn't that Max? Looks like the car. He's swerving all over the road. He doesn't recognize us. HEY MAX! MAX!! MAX!! MAX!! MAX!! Max, pull over! Hang on. What are you gonna do? I'm gonna try one last shot. Pull over, Max! Max! Go easy! Hang on. Max! Oh Max! It's all right, Max, we're here now! Max? Here's that cigar. He couldn't have smoked much of it. We'll get you to a hospital very soon, Max. Everything's going to be fine! Hiya, Mr. and Mrs. H. I won. Some luck, uh? Yeah. We're all really lucky today. Max! Are you sure you should be out of bed? It's only been a week! I'm fine, Mrs. H. I was going crazy doing nothing. Beside, you two guys are spoiling me rotten. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm feeling great. Sit down. Breakfast will be right up. What is today? Today? It's Tuesday. Why? Well, Monday is pancakes. If it's Tuesday, it must be eggs benedict. Ahh. Right, Max? Nah, you know what I think? I think you two guys are in a rut. So today, I'm givin' ya English muffins, poached eggs with a little hollandaise, and some Canadian bacon. Max! That IS eggs benedict. Heheh. Max, you're right. I think that Mrs. H and I should be more adventurous, don't you, darling? Of course. Yeah, you should be more like ME. Unpredictable.