Monday, April 08, 2013


Willie Wolfe was a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army, the group who kidnapped Patty Hearst. He was reported to be Hearst's lover. Wolfe's nickname was "Kahjoh", but the media reported it as "Cujo".

"Cujo" is a 1981 horror novel written by Stephen King, about a St. Bernard named Cujo who gets rabies from a bat bite and goes fucking apeshit.

There was a movie adaptation released in 1983, featuring a dog slathered in corn syrup. (A sequel was released in 1992, called BEETHOVEN.)

Here's the problem with making a CUJO movie: nobody wants to see a dog get killed. I don't care how much you bathe that doggy in food coloring and syrup, how many people he rips apart in the movie — no matter how much of an asshole he is, no matter how badly he's got it coming to him, NOBODY wants to see a fucking dog get iced in a movie! And if you're making a CUJO movie, you're going to have to kill that dog in the end. Probably twice because you KNOW he's not REALLY dead... he is the titular monster in a monster movie and "good" has to overcome "evil", if only superficially. And guess what? The math leaves you with a dead dog and a fade to black when you're making a fucking CUJO movie!

Oh no, one might protest, Cujo was a *good* dog! It's the bat-rabies that made him sick. Like in a zombie movie where a good person gets bitten and turned into a crazy zombie. So it's really like you're dealing with a zombie dog.

Well, America loves its goddamn zombie dogs just as much as its regular dogs. I don't think you could make a CUJO movie again. In the early 80s, sure. But now, too many people would be up in arms.

This past weekend, a remake of another 80s horror movie won the top spot at the box office — with a hard R-rating, no less. The EVIL DEAD remake is one of the bloodiest films I have ever seen. It may very well be THE bloodiest. It certainly has the most cringe-inducing bloodshed and gore I've seen in ages. Did I mention it was rated R and snagged the top spot at the box office? This is what horror should be. Rated R and #1 at the box office.


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