Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Flirting with Disaster

I've been living on the edge for so long, it's hard to remember an extended period of time when I wasn't courting ruin. Even now, as I'm in the midst of another Wait-Mode, when everything has the potential to change for the better... there is also, inevitably, the chance that nothing could change. That those specters of doom may choose to swoop down and decimate me.

I start playing these mental games. Somewhere between superstition and magical thinking. Bracing myself for the worst never seems to help. Thinking positive doesn't seem to have an effect, either. (Maybe because magic doesn't exist?)

I guess when you've no control over something, it's common to try to make these unspoken negotiations with The Universe. To manufacture arbitrary rules for things you have to do (not step on cracks), so that if you don't get what you want you've got this scapegoat (I broke that one rule). It offers the illusion of control.

And then there's what I'm trying to do right now. Which is to not dwell on it excessively.

There is the clear patching of ground right in front of me and I just try to keep moving forward.


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