The Last Kid Standing Up Against The Wall

I marvel at how painfully shy I can be. Most friends do not understand how much effort it takes for me to overcome this. Some might see in me an embarrassment of self-confidence. A sense of arrogance, even. But all of that can go away in a split-second. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with insecurities that it's a struggle just to step out the door. Sometimes I force myself to socialize with people -- when I'm much more inclined to hide from the world.

A lot of people don't get that. They don't see it because I'm the one who deals with it in private. All the doubt and fear and self-criticism.

One of the reasons I broadcast this personal blog out to the great wide unknown public is to maintain a sense of honesty. I don't work hard to be the life of the party. I work hard not to be the DEATH of the party. Talk to anyone I went to high school with and they'll tell you that I barely said a word. It has taken me many years to craft competent social skills and it's a fucking ongoing process. Many nights, I fail. And I'm not above grading myself.

I've been going out a bit more. Some nights, I am on fire. I am untouchable. I am funny, charismatic, I know when to start and I know when to stop. I am a rockstar from Mars. This past Wednesday night: got a girl's number, slayed at a screenwriter's workshop, then went karaoke bar-hopping till everyone else fell apart. I owned this past Wednesday night.

But I've been finding, more recently, that these highs are met with equivalent lows.

Thursday, I was the portrait of self-doubt.

Friday. July. 2011. We start over.

<3