Cryptogram Central

It was easier to write this blog when I knew that nobody read it.

Sunday was F-Day.

Went to the Central Park Zoo and had a picnic with some college friends and their growing broods. Then I had a whole hell of a lot of time to myself.

Didn't call my dad. So sue me. Ended up sending him a brief email in the late afternoon. I don't like talking to him when I don't have some good/promising news to share. He doesn't understand most of my career stuff anyway. Few people understand this peculiar relationship I've got with my old man. You might get it if you spent some time with him.

In any case, that guilt weighed on me. And then I was trying to refocus on pushing forth on this last draft of the script I've been working on.

And then there was ONE MORE THING I intended to do Sunday night...

... and I couldn't do it. I choked. I got lost in my head. I built it up too much and then I lost my spine as I tried to build it down.

I hate this.

There are times when I have complete confidence. And there are other times when I can't even look at the mirror. I have worked so hard to rebuild myself over the years. But some days it still feels like it's not good enough. I marvel at how cruel I can be toward myself. The inner monologue that motivates me to improve myself can twist into something that simply cuts me down. That's when I don't even want to be seen. Days I just want to slip on an invisibility cloak.

One day, I'll be better.