About the Worst Spider-Man Musical Ever

I wasn't going to write about SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK. It's still indefinitely in previews as the official "opening" gets continually pushed back. And I'm a writer and I know that eventually *something* I write will be viewed by a lot of people, and even if it comes out really well there are going to be a lot of faceless people trashing it online. THIS is why I don't actually write a lot of reviews on here. And you never want to write reviews of a show in previews because they're still tinkering with it: it's a professional courtesy! I don't want to contribute to the noise.

But this is Julie Taymor, Bono and The Edge. They've had enough success to weather the shit maelstrom that this epic failure deserves.

I really like Taymor. I've a longtime fondness for U2. Spider-Man is one of the best comic book properties. This seemed like one of the strangest collaborations ever, and I love whacko stuff like that. Stuff that sounds too crazy to work. While everybody was making cheap jokes about it, I was looking forward to seeing what this thing was gonna look like.

Then previews started. And actors started getting crippled. Even after some detailed, negative reviews were posted online, I was rooting for this deliriously absurd-sounding project.

Well, after two aborted attempts, I finally got to see it this past Thursday.

Let me start with the positives...

1) I thought the opening tableau was really cool and exciting-looking. Spider-Man! Live on the stage! This is gonna be awesome!

2) I thought that the first time that Spider-Man "flies" into the audience was totally thrilling. Just on a visceral level.

3) Our show only had to be stopped ONCE and no one got hurt.

Beyond that? The show is utterly, utterly unsalvageable.

The book is an incredible, unimaginable mess. The writing is so unconscionably bad throughout. On every fucking level. I'm about to spoil the structure here, so watch out, True Believers...

There are essentially three narratives that are interwoven to make THE SHITTIEST SPIDER-MAN STORY EVER TOLD:

I. THE GEEK CHORUS
We follow a bunch of modern-day geeks talking about their love of the Spider-Man comics. They comment on the story, praise it, pick it apart. This narrative is absolutely obnoxious. And it serves as the most naked evidence of how Taymor and company view comic books and comic book readers: it's clear that she believes she is slumming through disposable adolescent pop-culture that is beneath her.

II. TAYMOR TRIES TO ELEVATE THE MATERIAL
This is tied to a character in the Geek Chorus -- a side narrative about "Arachne", the female precursor to "Spider-Man". Taymor's ill-conceived attempt to make a comic-book story (that she clearly doesn't care about) more profound.

III. ACTUAL SPIDER-MAN STORY
Taken from the comic books. And rendered so carelessly and dispassionately, it insults the source material.

Watching this dreck—this extremely expensive and lengthy dreck—I started to think that maybe this whole "Spider-Man" story has been done to death already.

But no. This is just the most offensively poor adaptation of Spider-Man ever. Ill-conceived and outright LAZY for extended stretches.

THREE WORST MOMENTS IN "SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK"
All right, obviously there be *spoilers* here. And I've got to say that there are so many bad moments in the overlong show, everyone who sees it should have their own unique "three worst moments" list. [DISCLAIMER: While I personally view my "three worst moments" as apoplectically bad, I don't mean to imply that everything else surrounding these moments are markedly better.]

1. Spider-Man's fight with the wrestler Bonesaw McGraw—the grand public debut of Peter Parker's alter-ego and a first taste of glory for Parker—is handled like a scene out of an Ed Wood movie under Taymor's direction.

2. Wonder how they crammed all those Super Villains into this one musical? [Green Goblin, Kraven the Hunter, Swarm, Electro, Carnage, Lizard and new villain Swiss Miss.] Beauty Pageant. Nay, "Ugly Pageant". Yes, that's what they call it. At the top of Act II. They literally just parade these goofy-looking costumes out. It made me think of those costumed-character live touring shows that they have, for the kids:







3. Also in Act II. A musical number that I can't even properly convey to you out of context. But trust me when I tell you that there is a musical number about high-heel shoes. I'm talking about something that might seem appropriate in a SEX IN THE CITY musical. How does that fit into a Spider-Man narrative? Well, if the point hasn't been made already, this is the gayest Spider-Man story ever told.

And that pains me because it shows a rank lack of understanding of the appeal of the source material.

I haven't even commented on the actual music. Which probably speaks for itself. I did find it amusing that Spider-Man is suddenly set in some parallel universe where the only band that ANYONE listens to in 2011 is U2.

This is a fucking awful show. Pretentious and infantile. I admit, I'm curious how much it could possibly be *improved* as they continually delay the official opening. I can't imagine anyone truly liking it except for idiots like Glenn Beck and possibly some former friends of mine. It is offensively, inexcusably bad. More so because some empirically talented people conspired to make it, IMHO. Buyers beware.