Random Elementary School Memories

So much of writing requires an ability to remember. It's interesting, the things I can remember without effort and the things that fade away. Just trying to recall elementary school...

FIRST GRADE
Mrs. Zoom. (Pronounced "Zome", rhymed with "home".)
PS 346 in Brooklyn.
Class "1-7". Filled with bad kids.
There was a mentally-disabled kid ("David") in the class that I inadvertently befriended, before I knew what "retarded kids" were. In the cafeteria one day, I spit a mouthful of hot dog into a napkin; David turned to me and asked if he could borrow my napkin. I informed him that my napkin was dirty. Not understanding, he asked me again, "Can I borrow your napkin?"

Another day, I played a dirty trick on David. I noticed he kept alternating between standing up and sitting down on his chair while he was doing some work at his desk. When he was standing, I walked up behind him and pulled his chair away. When he tried to sit again, he fell on his ass and started crying. I immediately felt guilty and ran to his rescue, playing the innocent good guy, trying to calm him down. I also didn't want to get in trouble.

Another time, this girl was standing in front of the class, waiting to give some presentation. She looked nervous, her legs crossed as she stood. Mrs. Zoom was having a hard time quieting the class, so the girl kept waiting. And then without warning, a wet stain blossomed down the girl's pant leg and she broke out in tears.

Mrs. Zoom was old and beat-up looking. She was a smoker. One day, she wheeled a TV into the classroom and told us we were going to watch "E.T." because she thought it was going to be broadcast. This was sometime around 1982, when the movie was breaking box office records. There was no way "E.T." was going to be broadcast on TV in the middle of a weekday. But we didn't know any better, and clearly Mrs. Zoom didn't know any better. And we were all properly disappointed.

I remember having trouble learning how to read.

I've got a slew of memories of 1st grade...

SECOND GRADE
Mrs. Santana.
PS 346 in Brooklyn.
Class "2-2". Filled with kids not quite smart enough to be in "2-1".
We started getting spelling tests. I didn't know how to study and I started failing these tests until I discovered the art of cheating. I started getting perfect spelling test grades until my system fell apart and I almost got caught. (This Korean kid, "Young Chae Cho", threatened to rat me out, but didn't.) After my scare, I tried studying for the tests and started acing the tests again and that's why come I spel so gud now.

Mrs. Santana was a husky, mean teacher. One day, she dumped my desk out onto the floor in the middle of class and made me put it back together while everyone watched. This big, black boy tried to help me but Mrs. Santana wouldn't let him.

Mrs. Santana eventually took positive notice of my writing ability. For one creative writing assignment, I wrote an advert for something I made up called "Popcorn Pickles". For another, I wrote a scary story called "Arms", about a bunch of arms that rise up out of the ground and kill a guy sitting on a park bench.

THIRD GRADE
Mrs. Schwartz.
PS 346 in Brooklyn.
Class "3-2". The runner-up class.
I had a crush on Mrs. Schwartz. It's hard to remember her face now but I think she may have looked a little like a young Sigourney Weaver. She could be mean but she was capable of being nurturing. She insisted that she had "ESP" and could read our minds. One time, she told us about taking her kids to Disney World and I was jealous. (I'm not sure if I'd been yet.)

I think this girl named "Randy" had a crush on me. I remember thinking she was cute—but what the fuck do you do with that in the 3rd grade?!

This other girl blackmailed me for a while. I'd gotten upset that I'd bombed on a test one day and I tore up my test paper—this girl saw me and was all like, "Oooh, I'm gonna telll!" This school was filled with rats. To get her to NOT to rat on me, I had to do things for her... I don't even remember what she made me do, but I remember feeling like I had no choice because I didn't want to get into trouble. She kept threatening to rat me out and I kept trying to keep her happy until enough time had passed that I figured it wouldn't matter if she ratted me out. (A few weeks? A month?) Statute of limitations expired, we settled out of court.

I remember learning multiplication and division that year.

FOURTH GRADE
Mr. Sockoloff.
PS 346 in Brooklyn.
Class "4-1". My promotion to first class. (Thanks to a recommendation from Mrs. Schwartz.)
First male teacher. He had a beard. He was generally a lot nicer than any of the female teachers I'd had.

One day in class, I was wearing these gloves that I thought looked cool on my hands. Mr. Sock made some dumb joke about me being a race car driver. No one laughed. Then he asked me to take the gloves off.

Started having some troubles with bullies. This one kid's name was "Roger Gruchalski", I think. He was a dick to me in class but I saw him in the supermarket with his mom once and he was acting like we were all cool.

Everyone was increasingly a dick in school. This was the last year we lived in the city.

FIFTH GRADE
Mrs. Martini.
Grandview Elementary in Rockland.
First year in the suburbs. All the kids were way too nice.

Mrs. Martini was an old, plump, white-haired lady. She sent me to the school shrink because she thought I was too quiet. She took notice of my writing ability.

SIXTH GRADE
Mr. ???
Lime Kiln Elementary in Rockland.
I can never remember this guy's name. He was a bit uptight. When he'd get angry, his face would turn bright red.

First time befriending another Filipino kid who I wasn't related to.

My memory from here forth gets notably spotty. Why are my memories of 1st grade so much more vivid than my memories of 6th? What was I smoking?



Neutral Milk Hotel, live at The Knitting Factory, NYC
March 7, 1998