Standup Raccoon on Bathroom Reading

"... but you know what I love? Entertainment Weekly. Any fans of EW here...? Great, isn't it? It's the perfect bathroom reading material. Loads of pictures, a nice range of articles—nothing too long or involving that you can't put it down. Everything's just interesting enough to keep you distracted for a few minutes at a time...

"Wow, this is a really interesting interview with Tina Fey and Steve Carell: I'm really looking forward to finishing it during my next act of defecation! '5 Reasons We Love Edie Falco': this seems like the precise investment of time I can afford for this bowel movement. Ooh, the SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW, DOUBLE ISSUE... I'll save 'JULY' for when I'm really backed up...

"Seriously, they should give away free toilet paper to long-time subscribers, as a thank you gift. I wouldn't be surprised if the editors assembled each issue while on the toilet. 'Hey Dalton, you've gotta cut down this article on SURVIVOR, wayyy too many words, man! What are we, THE NEW YORKER here? Cut this down to half a page WITH art. This is a 1-dump article. We've already got a 2-dump article on the new TWILIGHT movie in here and the Tiger Woods story is pushing 3-dumps!! I want a good week's worth of dumps in this issue before people are sticking it in the recycling bin. Any more and we alienate the readers. And get some Charmin in here, we're running low...'

"Toilet jokes, I know. I'm a friggin raccoon, whaddaya expect from me, POLITICAL HUMOR? So anyway, I'm talking to my mom the other day..."