Standup Raccoon on Dating

"Dating again. Dating's a crazy thing in this city, isn't it? Read an article about how the gender numbers in this city are roughly even but they favor heterosexual men because there's such a large gay population. I think that logic's faulty, though, because it doesn't account for the number of women who think they're too good for me.

"Went on a blind date with this raccoon girl. It's great when friends set you up because they just assume that two single raccoons would get along together. I call it the Noah's Ark Theory. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against dating other raccoons but we're not necessarily going to be compatible because we happen to be of the same species. It's like those panda bears in China who refuse to fuck: maybe they're just not into each other! What if they stuck a Megan Fox panda in with a Danny DeVito panda? And she's looking at him from the far end of the cage and saying, 'I don't care if you're the last panda on earth, YOU'RE NOT STICKING THAT THING IN ME.'

"So, this raccoon girl I go on this blind date with, she says that she doesn't usually date other raccoons because she doesn't want to be seen as 'That Raccoon Couple'. People see two raccoons holding hands down the street and think, 'Oh, that's That Raccoon Couple.' She didn't want to be marginalized like that. Plus, she figured that most raccoon guys just didn't have any options. Which is why she only dated tall white guys. So then I suggested to her that white guys are only interested in her because she's a dirty little raccoon whore.

"First thing you should know about raccoon girls: NO SENSE OF HUMOR. Second thing you should know about raccoon girls: RABIES..."