Ghost of Disaster

Watched a documentary called "The Tragic Side of Comedy" on the Biography Channel on Sunday, chronicling the dark struggles of several comedians. Co-stars, friends and family recalling these men's lives. The warning signs that led to their endings.

"Things were just starting to take off for him..."

"We didn't know he was in so much pain..."

"He could drink a lot but he was fun when he was drinking..."

I imagine people talking about me in the past-tense.

We enter September and I'm struggling to find some work while keeping the writing career on track. I'm having a hard time doing this.

Seeing friends helps my spirits somewhat, but it also brings the risk of having to spend money I don't have. Every swipe of my MetroCard is precious. I'm literally tightening the belt because I'm afraid to spend money. I make for poor company, on several levels. Like hanging out with the Ghost of Disaster.

My lease is up in November and I am contemplating a big change. I am trying not to feel overwhelmed by everything, but I can't go on like this.

I try to ease my nerves by thinking about the bigger picture and how I will get out of this eventually. I know things will get better for me. Not knowing when is difficult.

I'd like to be able to just go with the flow. Not worry myself sick over things I can't help.

I slept a lot this weekend, in patches. Sleep is great when you're depressed because it's free and it's a way to escape for a spell. Little stretches of peace. I take whatever peace and oblivion I can afford.

How many calories are you getting in a typical slice of pizza?