The Hate Spiral

Been lethargically, reluctantly emptying out all the things I've DVR-ed over the past x weeks. All the shit I've dragged my feet on watching.

Silent Running: watched it. Heartbeeps: watched it.

But what's the worst thing I've subjected myself to...?

Picture DANE COOK *and* BRETT RATNER on JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE. Not bad enough? For some reason, the picture was fucked up and the screen was horizontally-shifted, so the right side of the frame was on the left and the left on the right, with a big black bar smack down the middle. It was like the perfect storm of pop/hack hatred.

Why did I watch this? Because I want to understand. Some tastes are acquired. So many people love Dane Cook -- they can't ALL be fucking idiots, can they...?

I'm sorry. I know some of you may *like* Dane Cook, and I'll begrudgingly give you a pass. But this schmuck is painfully un-fucking-funny. Dane Cook is anti-funny. He kills comedy dead. He's like a comedy fumigator; his presence fills up a room and destroys anything that might be funny. Dane Cook is the death of laughter.

It's frat boy comedy. He calls his fans his "friends" and the audience shits its collective pants. Jimmy Kimmel (bless his heart) calls him on it and says that he just calls them that because they signed up to be his "friend" on MYSPACE. However, this just turns out to be a setup for a lame bit where Cook runs up to the crowd and spouts out horribly unfunny factoids about various members of the audience.

Well, Malice, he doesn't really have traditional jokes, it's kind of the way he says things that's funny...

I'm sorry. I really am. It's just not funny. Not in the faintest way. Chris Rock is fucking funny. Dane Cook -- from everything I've seen -- is fucking garbage. He can high-five me, take me out for drinks, make me the best man at his wedding: I'm still not laughing. I'm not looking for a friend in a comedian. I'm looking for someone who can make me laugh. Call me old-school.

Herewith, I extend a Misanthropy Central middle-finger to Dane Cook. (Because one finger is all you deserve.) Go ahead and date rape your fans; maybe they're asking for it.