Monday, November 28, 2011

The Importance of Being Hungry

The popular notion is that it's good to be hungry. In life, in careers. When you're hungry, you really want it. You really need it. Being hungry means you're determined to do whatever you need to do to eat.

I would humbly suggest that the danger is when hunger crosses over to famine and resignation. Desperation doesn't always yield the best work or results. Sometimes, hunger is just another obstacle to overcome.

The old man called on Thanksgiving, wanted me to come visit him in Maine for Christmas. Some of you know, I haven't seen him since 2003. And he's invited me up there just about every year and I have not taken him up on it. I've done the trip maybe twice before and it's just completely fucking unpleasant. It's crazy awkward. I don't enjoy it. I guess he enjoys it on some father level but even he has got to understand that it is super fucking awkward... but no, he doesn't. He doesn't get it in the slightest. He doesn't get that we don't have a relationship. He doesn't get how different I am from the person he failed to raise. I've become what I am in spite of him.

People will say, "Oh, but it's your father..." These people don't get it. And I feel pity for him now but I feel less pity when I reflect upon all the shit I dealt with growing up in that household. With those people. And yes, I'll include the lot of them. The entire dysfunctional family circus.

If the career were on a firmer stretch of road right now, I might consider seeing the old man again. That's the thing: I don't want to see him if I haven't got my shit together. He does not offer comfort. If you've got problems, he will make you feel worse. If you're doing well, he will still make you feel worse. What is the fucking point aside from some guilty sense of filial duty?

Sometimes I feel completely cold-blooded. I've become what I've needed to become. This did not happen overnight.


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