Standup Raccoon on Dating

"Dating again. Dating's a crazy thing in this city, isn't it? Read an article about how the gender numbers in this city are roughly even but they favor heterosexual men because there's such a large gay population. I think that logic's faulty, though, because it doesn't account for the number of women who think they're too good for me.

"Went on a blind date with this raccoon girl. It's great when friends set you up because they just assume that two single raccoons would get along together. I call it the Noah's Ark Theory. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against dating other raccoons but we're not necessarily going to be compatible because we happen to be of the same species. It's like those panda bears in China who refuse to fuck: maybe they're just not into each other! What if they stuck a Megan Fox panda in with a Danny DeVito panda? And she's looking at him from the far end of the cage and saying, 'I don't care if you're the last panda on earth, YOU'RE NOT STICKING THAT THING IN ME.'

"So, this raccoon girl I go on this blind date with, she says that she doesn't usually date other raccoons because she doesn't want to be seen as 'That Raccoon Couple'. People see two raccoons holding hands down the street and think, 'Oh, that's That Raccoon Couple.' She didn't want to be marginalized like that. Plus, she figured that most raccoon guys just didn't have any options. Which is why she only dated tall white guys. So then I suggested to her that white guys are only interested in her because she's a dirty little raccoon whore.

"First thing you should know about raccoon girls: NO SENSE OF HUMOR. Second thing you should know about raccoon girls: RABIES..."

Standup Raccoon on Bathroom Reading

"... but you know what I love? Entertainment Weekly. Any fans of EW here...? Great, isn't it? It's the perfect bathroom reading material. Loads of pictures, a nice range of articles—nothing too long or involving that you can't put it down. Everything's just interesting enough to keep you distracted for a few minutes at a time...

"Wow, this is a really interesting interview with Tina Fey and Steve Carell: I'm really looking forward to finishing it during my next act of defecation! '5 Reasons We Love Edie Falco': this seems like the precise investment of time I can afford for this bowel movement. Ooh, the SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW, DOUBLE ISSUE... I'll save 'JULY' for when I'm really backed up...

"Seriously, they should give away free toilet paper to long-time subscribers, as a thank you gift. I wouldn't be surprised if the editors assembled each issue while on the toilet. 'Hey Dalton, you've gotta cut down this article on SURVIVOR, wayyy too many words, man! What are we, THE NEW YORKER here? Cut this down to half a page WITH art. This is a 1-dump article. We've already got a 2-dump article on the new TWILIGHT movie in here and the Tiger Woods story is pushing 3-dumps!! I want a good week's worth of dumps in this issue before people are sticking it in the recycling bin. Any more and we alienate the readers. And get some Charmin in here, we're running low...'

"Toilet jokes, I know. I'm a friggin raccoon, whaddaya expect from me, POLITICAL HUMOR? So anyway, I'm talking to my mom the other day..."