Hal Sparks Kinda Sucks

All right, a few years ago I got sucked into those VH1 I Love the 80s/90s nostalgia shows that featured a bunch of talking heads riffing on old pop culture. That's how I first became familiar with Hal Sparks. I thought he was kinda funny on those shows. (Not a particularly high bar for being funny on those shows, but still...) I never watched Queer as Folk, but I knew he was on that show which seemed to separate him from the collection of comedians on the VH1 programs—this was a dramatic actor who happened to be funny.

The next time he appeared on my radar, he was competing in this thing called "Celebrity Duets", which was a celebrity singing competition. I didn't really watch that show, but it seemed he was taking it pretty seriously. Not so funny.

Thing is, I'd never really seen his stand-up routine... until this past weekend. It was a cable special and I was too weak from illness to change the channel.

I had no idea that Hal Sparks went to the Dane Cook school for comedy.

Maybe that's too harsh. But like Dane Cook, Hal Sparks has never had a drink of alcohol, never smoked once, never tried any drugs. I've met Mormons who party harder than this douche-nozzle. And a good portion of his comedy routine involves him ridiculing people who smoke, drink, do drugs.

It was with great horror that I realized that this guy who I once thought was kinda funny—parceled out in little clips of VH1 nostalgia shows—was actually not funny at all. He was, in fact, fairly obnoxious. I can imagine how his routine might be popular amidst some Jesus-freak college circuit, but he just comes across as a fucking asshole who treats his body as a sacred temple of worship and who can't understand why other people would possibly want to actually experience life.

Is it common knowledge that Hal Sparks is completely lame? Am I the last one to realize this fact?