O, December, Where Did We Go Wrong?

Here we are. The final month of 2011. Really ending on a high note, aren't we? (The royal we.)

I don't really feel like venting about all that was and all that could-have-been with this year. The only question that matters -- the one that keeps banging on the door -- is, "Where do we go now?"

Sort of makes me miss last December. Whatever dramas I was dealing with back then seem almost a luxury now. And there was so much hope for what THIS year would yield...!

The promises you held, 2011. How you said we'd make it through. Didn't quite. Fell apart. Where the fuck were you?

Tonight I was brushing my teeth with a new tube of toothpaste and it occurred to me, strangely, that the last time I used this particular brand of toothpaste was when I was dating some girl a few years ago. I remembered the peculiar twist of the cap and the peculiar way the paste froths. This fucking tube of toothpaste took me back to memories of living on the Upper West Side, and the fleeting excitement of dating this new girl, and the general feeling of promise in the world and with my blossoming career.

Funny.

Over a longer arc of time, this particular period of my life will make more sense. I will look back upon this period and laugh at where my head was at. I will think, "If I could only send him a note from the future, just to let him know how much better it all gets..."

I'm not really venting. I'm just admitting that I don't really know what I'm doing. I am trying hard to correct this.