Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Widow Forever

need to slow down the drinking. i'm not working so i have the luxury of being a disgusting mess right now but i need to normalize.

cleaned up my roommate's cat's litter box this morn, which i'd been meaning to do since he left on a trip over a week ago. washed her crusty food dish. i'm usually the one who takes the better care of her but i've been shit.

can't stop thinking about the girl. ex-fiancee. ex-girlfriend. ex-friend. i hate her. i miss her. i think about texting her and apologizing for all the mean shit i sent to her on monday. she fucking deserved it but i can't help but hurt at the thought that i hurt someone i loved so much. i have these flashbacks to all the good times.

and all the bad times.

post traumatic stress. the laundry list of shit that reminds me of her. flowers. Adventure Time. the fucking Schreiber boys. hospital scrubs. bonding with her son.

i've known for weeks. maybe months. that this relationship couldn't be sustained. it's frustrating to me that i can't just bounce back from this.

i just want my headspace back.

it's before 8am. nursing a drink. need to slow down the drinking but it does calm me for little while.

i'm angry. i'm sad.

i've texted and emailed so many people about my emotional state over the past week. it helps and it doesn't.

it's wednesday. i need to stretch my legs today.


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