Saturday, June 27, 2015

The Long Dark

Thursday morning, I had an argument over text message with my significant other and there's been radio silence ever since. Didn't even seem like the worst argument but... who knows. This relationship was complicated from the beginning and I'm hoping and praying it doesn't end here. But there are the things you can control and the things you can't.

Forced myself to take a long walk today, through Central Park. It was overcast and drizzly. I listened to the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, featuring a woman whose 18 year old daughter committed suicide. In the aftermath, she wrote a book of letters to her daughter. It was a harsh episode to listen to in my mood but helped me in a way.

I am fighting the darkness. Trying to eat healthier this weekend, treat myself a little kinder. "Self-medicating" really messed me up Friday night. It's great and numbing and can really improve my mood in the moment, but the aftermath is just harder. Saturday was all about taking better care of myself. Harming myself is not going to make getting through this any easier.

Went for a walk, got some decent sustenance and thought I'd try to write a little and maybe play some video games to take my mind off things. Playing video games has helped distract me in the past.

I played THE LONG DARK off of Steam. It did not feel good.

THE LONG DARK drops your nameless character in the middle of a wintry wasteland and the point of the game is to try to survive as long as you can, managing your resources and needs. It is an inherently lonely game, though. When you're feeling alone, the desolation of the game doesn't really help. Bad game choice for today.

I did watch Clint Eastwood's JERSEY BOYS this afternoon which was perfect. I mean, it's a perfectly mediocre movie, but it's simple enough and you get to hear the songs and none of it triggered any bad memories for me... so it was a perfect movie for today. Sometimes you don't need a great movie, just something that doesn't upset your stomach. Also watched the pilot episode of MR. ROBOT which was very good, though it did play on my heightened anxiety.

I'm tired. Trying to stay positive and have faith.


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