Tuesday, July 31, 2012

All Night Arcade

Hey look, kids, I started a new tumblr!

All right, full disclosure, I was spurred by this Calvin and Hobbes GIFS tumblr. Because I make shitloads of animated GIFs like that and suddenly someone ELSE is getting mad hits off of that racket? Madonn'...

Anyway. My new animated GIF tumblr is called "All Night Arcade". Featuring old school video game characters tearing up NYC.

The GIFs that are posted on there right now represent what I've hastily assembled over the past 12 hours, just to establish the premise. They'll get better. And worse.

Yes, I realize that "Pixels" did something like this. And as a full-fledged short film:

But WTF are you going to do at the end of the day...? Everyone's done everything.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

KRS Bane

Tom Hardy. Bronson of yesterday, Bane of today and Mad Max of tomorrow-morrow land.

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Most Important Album of the Past 25 Years

Appetite for Destruction.

According to L.A. Weekly, at least.

Also, Defending Axl Rose. Glad I'm not the only one.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I Don't Care About Your New Babies

A childhood friend recently posted hospital pics of his newborn on FACEBOOK. I remember us hanging out as kids. Talking for hours on the phone. Going over to his house to play videogames or watch "Tales from the Crypt". Shooting movies on VHS with ketchup for blood.

Haven't actually seen him in a few years and now I'm looking at pics of his first child... and I find that I don't give a shit.

Should it mean something to me? Should it be some profound milestone? Is it callous of me that I see that someone's had a baby and my reaction is, BIG FUCKING DEAL...?

This has no impact on me. I don't care. It doesn't make me yearn to have a child of my own, nor does it make me feel compelled to visit this child. Or even do so little as click "LIKE" on the picture.

I find myself growing colder and colder. It's not even a case of being bitter. It's just. Numbness. Detachment.

There's one thing I want right now. Everything else seems so far away...

Monday, July 23, 2012


This afternoon, I saw THE DARK KNIGHT RISES at the one true IMAX theater in NYC (AMC Loews Lincoln Square 13, 1998 Broadway) and as we were let into the theater we were informed that THERE WOULD BE NO TRAILERS BEFORE THE MOVIE.

The movie runs a hefty 165 minutes and I understand they're just trying to cram in as many showings as they can, but I was looking forward to seeing the MAN OF STEEL teaser on IMAX. Felt a little gypped.

But again -- it's the only place around to see it in large format IMAX. So you have to go there.

Summer Spree-Kill

Remember when you were a kid and it was fun to go see a summer movie?

I've been waiting to see THE DARK KNIGHT RISES for a long while. A big movie you get hyped up for a year in advance. The kind of movie you plan your life around. Less a simple movie and more a milestone -- a reason to live! A few hours of escapism before returning to the bleakness of reality.

And then some wackadoo shoots up a midnight screening and the whole venture gets tainted.

If it were random, that would be one thing. But the guy had dyed his hair red, dressed up like a supervillain and referred to himself as The Joker. Even leaving a booby-trapped apartment for bomb squads to deal with. He tailor-made his massacre for this movie franchise.

And what does that leave us with? A succession of talking heads debating how this could have happened, who's to blame, why he did it, how it could have been prevented. What do we know? Next to nothing. People want to know motivation. I'm sure some more information will come out as he's processed through the system, but it doesn't change anything. Whether he was some tea party nutjob or schizoid freak. He's ultimately some random act of madness that managed to slip through and carry out a senseless spree killing on a summer night at the movies. There's no way to perfectly monitor every person's state-of-mind.

I'm seeing the movie Monday afternoon. Hopefully in a slightly less-crowded theater. I'm still looking forward to it... and I'm not concerned about safety... but I know there will be a point where I will be thinking, "This is the scene where all those people got killed..." Massive spoiler.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

False Positive

I haven't really gotten into web comics but I just discovered my favorite one.


Basically short stories with a high-end Twilight Zone / Tales from the Crypt feel to them. It incorporates sci-fi and fantasy but it all errs toward horror.

There is the mysterious finding at the root of a rotted tooth. The curious contents of a suitcase accidentally picked up from an airport. A serial killer's meticulous process.

Worth reading them all, though my favorite may be a time-travel story called Newton's Apple.

Fantastic stuff here. Highly recommend.

Friday, July 20, 2012

You're too young to remember MR WIZARD, but in case you're not...

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Shit is about to get crazy...

New season of BREAKING BAD tonight. My favorite television show of all time.

The first 8 of the final 16.

Cool GQ interview with Aaron Paul HERE.
... I'll say this: the cold open in the season premiere alone...shit is about to get crazy.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Impractical Jokers

IMPRACTICAL JOKERS should be excruciating... but I caught a marathon of episodes last Sunday on TruTV and LMFAO'ed.

A hidden camera show where four friends force each other to do social challenges in public. They're fed live instructions via earpiece and if they refuse to do something they're told, they lose the challenge.

In Oceans of Lotion, the challenge is who can empty the most lotion onto a stranger:

Here, they play the Roommate from Hell:

Here, they have to get a stadium full of baseball fans to chant something...

This last one, they've got to try to cut the TKTS line and buy discount tickets:

Candid camera meets Jackass. As bold as they can be, they also get nervous and will also refuse to say/do something that they think crosses a line or is too mortifying/mean.

It's on TruTV, check it out.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Everybody loves when I write DirecTV entries, right?

So, I signed up for DirecTV last summer and got their NFL SUNDAY TICKET for free as a promotion. What's NFL SUNDAY TICKET?
That's every out-of-market game every Sunday, all in HD. You also get the Game Mix channel, Player Tracker, and real-time scores and stats.
Normally it costs $200 in addition to what you're paying for satellite services, so getting it for free was quite a deal.

Of course, I don't watch football and I never used it but still -- it's the thought that counts.

Time passes.

That initial free promo of NFL SUNDAY TICKET I got last year? Well, it's set on an automatic renewal, so I'm suddenly getting charged for the new season.

I call up DirecTV this morning.

"Yeah, I'd like to cancel my NFL SUNDAY TICKET."

"Okay, sir, would you mind telling us why you're not happy with the service?"

"I don't watch football."

"Okay, I understand. Well, before I cancel that service for you, I just want to let you know there are cheaper pricing plans for the service that might interest you..."

"I don't watch football."

"Let me just tell you about these plans..."

"Do any of these plans involve someone convincing me that I'd enjoy watching football?"

"No, sir, they're pricing plans..."

"Then I doubt I'm going to change my mind."

To be fair, she ran through her script as she's been instructed and then proceeded to cancel the service and credit me for the extra cost they already charged me this month.

Of course, because of carrier disputes, we currently don't have any Viacom channels like Comedy Central and MTV. Hopefully, that'll be sorted out soon. At least we're not on DISH or we'd be getting screwed out of AMC and the premiere of BREAKING BAD this Sunday...


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Yellow Jacket Wasp

Saturday night, I was in a bit of a panic. In the midst of an oppressive heatwave, I was worrying over career issues and trying NOT to go out and spend any money. I was texting with a friend who suggested we could go up to my rooftop and drink some booze that had been leftover from the July 4th celebration a few days earlier. Take my mind off of things.

I scaled the ladder to my rooftop, Tupperware of ice cubes and half-empty bottles of liquor stuffed in the backpack slung over my shoulder. There'd been some violent thunderstorms earlier in the evening but they seemed to have settled down. As I tried to open the rooftop hatch, I felt a sharp sting against my left arm, as if I'd accidentally touched some kind of live wire. But there were no exposed electrical wires up there. A moment later, I saw what it was.

A yellow jacket wasp. Fussing about the top rung of the ladder.

I dropped down. Cleared my friends out. Retrieved some flying insect spray from the apartment and dispatched with the pest.

We drank inside that night.

+ + +

The next morning, I step outside the apartment door. There is *another* yellow jacket flying about the rooftop ladder. (Looking to avenge its friend?)

I head back into the apartment. Get the spray. Fill the air with it.

TWO YELLOW JACKETS drop to the ground.

They're both still twitching but one is definitely the angrier one.

Its head is thrashing up and down as if it were screaming unperceivable yellow-jacket obscenities at me. Its plump, black and yellow abdomen is thrusting up into the air, its tiny stinger pumping out, trying to kill even as it lay partially paralyzed on the stairs.

I delicately pick it up with a paper towel and stare at it closely. Fascinated by its anatomy and its relentless will to kill.

The yellow jackets don't lose their stingers like bees, so they can just keep on stinging you. The sting from the previous night had hurt like hell. Like I'd been stabbed with an electrified needle. I felt the pain deep in my arm. But I had the ice ready and I'd iced the fuck out of it and although the area was still red and a little sore, it never swelled up like a mosquito bite.

Still... a few hundred more stings and I could dead...

I stared at the paralyzed yellow jacket lying on the paper towel. Refusing to die. Vainly trying to attack me with its thrusting abdomen and the dual swords of its stinger... and I didn't feel compelled to put it out of its misery.

I felt compelled to torture it...



What would happen to it if I lit it on fire...?

Or took a pair of tweezers and tried to pluck out that stinger that kept poking out...?

"Hey, yellow-jacket: this is what it feels like to be a fucking honeybee, bitch!"

Maybe imprison it in an empty soda bottle. See how long it lives; maybe even try to nurse it back to health so I could find more ways to harm it.

And then the mind returned to fire. The classical element. Oh, how I really did want to see what fire would do to it. I imagined its fat abdomen bursting with the application of heat, sending a splatter of toxins into the air.

Live dissection, perhaps? I could pin it down with needles and open it up. As it glared at me and screamed silent Hymenoptera curses at me. At what point would it stop fighting...?

These things had invaded my personal space. Had the audacity to hurt me. Had made me feel just a little less safe in my home. This was a bane in my life that I had control over. And something deep inside of me didn't want to just kill it. I wanted to make it fucking suffer.

Alas... that compulsion wasn't strong enough to make me want to deal with a messy, unknowable aftermath...

And so I took the paralyzed wasps to the bathroom. Pumped some liquid soap onto their struggling bodies. Then flushed them down the toilet.

Monday, July 09, 2012

This is This

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
— Winston Churchill

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Independence Day

Stay safe, America.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Don't Call Me Father

Recent phone conversation:

Do you hab... ehh... what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis, what-do-you-calldis... com-pyoo-terr...


Yes -- LAPTOP!

Sure, I have a laptop.

Now, eh... what ees da dipperence between da Laptop and de Ipad....?

Laptop has a keyboard.

But, de Ipad... it has... I can still type on the...

Sure, you can type on an iPad.

I can do deh Email on de Ipad...

Yes, you can email on an iPad.

So... eh... maybe all I need is de Ipad...!...?

Sure. I'm sure you could probably just get by with an iPad, if all you're doing is emailing.

[Awkward silence.]

[Awkward silence.]

And... scene.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Mickey Mouse Suicide Club

If you haven't already seen this, read about the time that Mickey Mouse attempted to commit suicide.

July. Is it really July?

Sunday, July 01, 2012

One Direction

Mesmerizing, aren't they? I find bullshit-pop utterly fascinating.

Be sure to watch the original video above before watching the parody: